Faith Hill was performing in Lafayette, Louisiana over the weekend when a fan grabbed her husband Tim McGraw’s crotch. Faith scolded the fan, saying:

“Somebody needs to teach you some class, my friend. You don’t go grabbin’ somebody else’s — somebody’s husband’s balls, you understand me? That’s very disrespectful.”

That’s some deeply profound advice right there. Only in Louisiana would you have to tell somebody that grabbing another woman’s husband’s balls is frowned upon. Hey, isn’t Britney Spears from Louisiana? It’s no wonder she turned out the classy princess that she is. I’m surprised she doesn’t speak with a British accent and say things like, “Mahvelous, dear!”

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A source close to Jessica Alba is claiming Jessica broke up with Cash Warren because she was ready for marriage and he wasn’t. The insider says:

“He wasn’t ready for marriage, and Jessica is. It’s simple as that. It’s kind of cold that the press is saying she was just finished with him, because it isn’t like that. Seeing Eva get married made Jessica wistful. That was the reason Jessica seemed to be in a terrible mood in Paris.”

So obviously this “insider” is insane. They actually want me to believe that Jessica Alba broke up with Cash Warren because he wouldn’t marry her? That’s like telling me Rosie O’Donnell turned down a slice of pie because she was full. Why not just claim the Earth is flat? Or that Abraham Lincoln was a woman?

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Usher was set to marry his pregnant girlfriend Tameka Foster over the weekend but the wedding was canceled at the last minute without explanation. The couple apparently only decided to get married two weeks ago and wanted it to take place before Tameka’s baby bump started showing, but now nobody knows what the hell is going on. Guests were invited, tents were set up, all the help was hired, and at the last minute the whole thing was mysteriously called off. Usher’s rep released the following statement:

“It was announced today that the wedding ceremony for Usher Raymond IV and Tameka Foster was canceled. No additional information will be given regarding the circumstances of the cancellation, but we hope the privacy of this matter will be respected.”

I’m guessing somebody finally explained to Usher that after he gets married he won’t be able to have sex with other women anymore. Then he let out a comical, “Say whaaa?” and called the whole thing off.

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61-year-old Steve Martin married his 35-year-old writer girlfriend Anne Stringfield over the weekend. The wedding took place at Steve’s LA home, and Steve was sporting his Inspector Clouseau mustache from the upcoming Pink Panther sequel. When asked what it felt like to marry a woman 26 years younger than him, Martin screamed “Oh, yeaah!!” and gave everybody high fives.

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It sort of defeats the purpose of a bra when your nipples are made from solid diamond. No, wait, not diamond. The stuff they use to cut diamond. And it’s probably not good for Queen Latifah’s self esteem to be running into Victoria Beckham. It’d be like Lindsay Lohan running into Stephen Hawking. Or a NASA scientist. Or a cat pawing at a ball of yarn.

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Britney Spears has fired her latest assistant after just three weeks on the job.  Shannon Funk, the blond in the pictures, replaced Britney’s cousin Alli Sims, who bailed about a month ago. Shannon was let go because, it turns out, she was the reason for all of Britney’s problems.  Turns out it was Shannon who stole almost 16,000 dollars worth of clothes from the OK! magazine shoot last week.  Not according to OK! of course, who says Shannon only took one pair of shorts and one tank top.  They say it was Britney who walked off with a thousand dollar pair of heels, a 750 dollar Vera Wang dress and a 6000 dollar ring, among other things.  But they’re probably lying because they’re real jealous and stuff.  And can't accept love.  Life and Style adds:

"Britney felt a lot of her recent troubles started and stopped with Shannon," an insider close to Britney tells Life & Style. “Britney thought she was talking badly about her. She was very rude and Britney felt she was letting business emails fall by the wayside.”

I knew it had to be something like that.  NOW we're gonna see the good, sexy Britney.  Remember three weeks ago, before Shannon ruined everything, when Britney was Americas Sweetheart and had the world in the palm of her hand.  I sure do.  Seems like Shannon has a lot of growing up to do.

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Moments ago, Nicole Richie was sentenced to four days in a Los Angele’s County Jail for her DUI on December 11th.  TMZ says:

…a pregnant Nicole Richie faced the music for her wrong-way DUI bust in December — her second DUI conviction in 4 years. Just like her "Simple Life" co-star Paris Hilton, a judge sentenced Richie to serve time in County Jail — but only four days — she has been credited for six hours of time served. Richie was also fined $2048 and was ordered back to school for 21 days to an alcohol education course.
Richie must report to serve her time by September 28th.

God our legal system sucks.  She was supposed to get a minimum 5 days.  It's mandatory for a second DUI.  How did she get 4?  What she did was way worse than what Paris did.  Paris' judge would have had Nicole cryogenically frozen for a thousand years.

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I’m not going to say anything mean about these pictures of Dakota Fanning because she’s only 13-years-old and honesty is only reserved for adults. Well that, and I’m actually a little scared of her. If it was dark and I saw her walking towards me on the street I wouldn’t even think, I’d just throw my keys at her and run.

One more shot of Dakota Fanning after the jump.

NOTE: Was that mean? Was what I said mean? I didn’t mean it to be. Oh God, she’s in my closet isn’t she? *Runs out of the room screaming*

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Britney Spears took her kids to Las Vegas yesterday and Kevin Federline is pissed about it because she’s not allowed to bring their kids out of state without his permission. Not only that, while in Vegas, Britney’s bodyguard beat up a photographer outside the Wynn when he accidentally bumped into one of her children. The photographer was shooting Spears when her bodyguard shoved him in the chest and the photographer accidentally hit Sean Preston in the process. The bodyguard then tackled the man to the ground and started punching him. Wynn security asked everybody to leave and the Las Vegas police were brought in to take statements. The police issued the following statement:

“A second Incident Crime Report was also filed by Ms. Spears on behalf of her minor child. In that report it was alleged that prior to the above incident a second photographer, identified as Kyle Henderson, battered both Mr. Camera and Ms. Spears’ child , who was at that time being held by the security officer.”

So basically the bodyguard shoved the photographer into Sean Preston and then beat him up for bumping into him. And then Britney Spears filed battery charges against the guy. I don’t like defending the paparazzi, but come on. Why not break a bat over his head and then sue him for property damage? Or shoot him in the face with a gun and then accuse him of stealing your bullet.

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Nicole Richie pleaded guilty to driving under the influence of drugs and was sentenced to serve four days in her choice of city or county jail. She was credited the fifth day for the six hours she served after being arrested. She was also fined $2,048 and ordered to complete a 21 day alcohol education course, and to serve three years probation.

The sentence sounds fair enough, but that 21 day alcohol education course is a complete waste. This is Nicole Richie we’re talking about. She’d learn just as much if you put on a puppet show for an hour and a half.

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