Larry Rudolph, the former manager of Britney Spears, was subpoenaed Thursday and must now testify in the custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline. Larry had told Ryan Seacrest earlier this week that he was trying to avoid being served for fear of harming Britney’s case. People reports:

Rudolph “was served about 30 minutes ago,” said Erin Tietsort, the assistant manager at the Sunset Tan in West Los Angeles, on Thursday afternoon. “He’s employed here. He’s part-owner.”

Tietsort described the process server as a 5′8″ brunette in black slacks and a buttoned-up shirt.

“We asked her who she was but she just said she had a meeting with [Rudolph]. After he walked in he said, ‘Can I help you?’ and she just handed the papers and left. He had no idea. He then said [to himself], ‘Oh, okay. Yeah. They’ve been looking for me. This is for Britney Spears-Kevin Federline.’ I was like, ‘Really?’ And he just stared out the window. You could tell he wasn’t too happy about it,” said Tietsort.

There is only one plausible explanation for these turn of events: Larry Rudolph is absolutely, 100% retarded. Who publicly says they have damaging information about a high-profile celebrity custody battle, then hides out in a establishment they are part owner of? Larry Rudolph. That’s who. In case you’re not fully convinced of the guy’s stupidity, here’s something to chew on: Larry Rudolph thought it was a good idea for Britney Spears to hang out with Paris Hilton. If his goal was to blind the world, mission accomplished.

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Two new songs from Britney’s next studio album leaked yesterday, and … um … yikes.  The first one is the same one she was playing in her car in this clip (which is down now but take my word for it) and the one after the jump is set to be the first single.  They're both completely fucking awful.  She does this high pitched thing in the first one that is maddening.  I had my speakers pretty high.  I think I'm sterile now.  If I ever heard these songs on my car radio, I would just drive my car right off a cliff.

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Remember when Gwen Stefani looked like this? I guess she decided to stop looking like a homeless person and start looking, well, hot. And didn’t she just have a kid? Look at her stomach. She deserves a medal for looking this good. I don’t want to point any fingers, but sometimes when people have kids they get fat and ugly and forget to wear pants. And are named Britney. Spears. Britney Spears. I’m talking about Britney Spears. Not sure if you got it because I was being so subtle.

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An attorney for Owen Wilson says his client did slit his wrist but did not overdose on any kind of drugs during his alleged suicide attempt early Monday morning.  Access Hollywood says:

While rumors quickly swirled over what sent the actor to the hospital, police call logs confirmed on Tuesday it was an “attempted suicide.”
The attorney also told “Access” that the actor did not have his stomach pumped. The attorney said Wilson had been taking antidepressants, but was not aware of any other drugs in his system at the time of the incident.

It's amazing how things can look in perspective.  Normally slitting your wrists is bad, but in this case, at least he didn't slit his wrists while on heroin and coke.  It's like when they find those kids who accidentally hang themselves while jackin off.  You've never seen parents so eager to tell everyone who will listen that their kid was some depressed loser who committed suicide.

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Hey did you know John Travolta and Kelly Preston are scientologists?  Oh, I know, I hadn't heard about it either.  They live their lives with such a quiet dignity, it's impossible to know what they're up too.  Luckily they were more than happy to bring it up without being asked last night on the red carpet for "Death Sentence".  OK! magazine says:

Kelly steps up for a joint interview and the couple begins preaching a bit about how their controversial religion actually helps their marriage. “We’re both Scientologists and we have similar beliefs in how to raise our kids,” Kelly says. “It keeps us constantly growing spiritually, happy and grounded. We know how to survive in life a whole lot better. It helps you on a daily basis. We apply religious philosophy everywhere that it’s applicable.” John pipes up. “We use the techniques all the time at work, home, with the kids,” he says. “It’s all tools for better survival – tools you need for every day life.”

They sure do know how to survive in life a whole lot better.  When I think of mental and physical health, I think about Tom Cruise and John Travolta and Kirstie Alley.  They've got the answers, my friends.  I wish I was like them.  Instead I'm over here carving “fatty” into my arm right now!  God I'm so fat!

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Lauren Conrad and some other people from The Hills were spotted frolicking on the beach. Which is news, because, you know, one time Lauren totally kissed Jason and then Heidi was all, “I can’t believe she did that” but she did, and then she ordered a latte and got a tan. So see? Famous.

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Ashley Olsen has landed a role in “The Informers” an adaptation of the Bret Easton Ellis novel. The movie also stars Billy Bob Thornton and Kim Basinger, who, up until now, I assumed was dead. Reuters reports on the film’s premise:

Set in 1980s Los Angeles, the script follows seven stories taking course during a week in the life of a movie executive, his wife, his mistress, a rock star, a vampire and a kidnapper. Thornton will play the movie executive, and Basinger his wife. “Superman star Brandon Routh has been cast as the vampire, while Ashley Olsen will play a sexually promiscuous girl.

Okay, so who is Ashley’s character being promiscuous with? Clearly not the vampire because, let’s face it, you can’t suck blood out of a mummy. It has to be a coma patient. A really, really deep into a coma patient. I’m talking this guy will die in about one second. That’s how bad his coma is. But you know, even under those conditions, getting it on with an Olsen twin? I’m just not buying it. Now if Ashley played the vampire, and Brandon Routh played the promiscuous girl, that would be totally believable. I’d think I was watching CNN, that’s how believable it’d be.

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An attorney for Owen Wilson tells Access Hollywood that Owen did slit his wrists, but contrary to reports there was no drug overdose and he didn’t get his stomach pumped. The attorney adds that Owen had been taking antidepressants, but he was not aware of any other drugs in his system at the time of the incident. And if you’re wondering if the 911 tapes will ever be released, the Santa Monica City Attorney’s office says no:

“In reaching this decision the City believes that in many instances no person should have to worry about whether placing a call for emergency assistance will automatically make his or her medical request open to public review,” the City Attorney’s office said in a press release late Wednesday. “In balancing the competing interests, the City agencies outweigh the public interest served by disclosure of the emergency 911 call. In situation such as this, the City concludes that the public is best served if medical attention is promptly sought instead of being delayed because of a concern, real or imagined, of public attention, regardless of whether that publicity is sympathetic or not.”

See, guys? All he did was slit his wrists. It’s not like he overdosed on drugs or anything. I bet all you guys who said he had problems must feel pretty embarrassed right about now.

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Shannon Funk, the former assistant to Britney Spears, is apparently worthy of paparazzi attention. Granted, she’s sort of hot in a slutty, hey-she’s-not-Britney kind of way. But this chick is not a celebrity. Want further proof? She’s hanging out with Jamie Kennedy. The last person seen in public with Jamie was an Egg McMuffin. But at least the McMuffin wasn’t dishing out free lap dances. Not that Jamie Kennedy would turn one down. I heard he once got an erotic massage from a bagel. I have no evidence to back that up, but this is the gossip biz, so what I say goes. Now on to my next story: “Jamie Kennedy impregnates Whopper with cheese.”

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Gwen Stefani looks hot lately, especially yesterday in Hawaii, walking around town in a bikini top.  Her abs are insane, but I don't think it would kill her to get some huge implants.  Or a damn tan.  She looks like a ghost you'd see in an opera.  Oh great, now I'm scared.  Eeeeee!

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