Nick Hogan told Rides Magazine last week that his fleet of cars, including a limited-edition 800hp supercharged Dodge Viper, two 700-plus-horsepowered Toyota Supras and a 550hp Viper, help him snap necks and stab craaazy pussy, yo.  Nick says:

The yellow Supra and yellow Viper are pussy magnets for sure. I mean, the green and the silver appeal more to men, ’cause a guy knows what he’s looking at and will drool over it. But girls see the yellow, and panties start dropping off.

Later he brags about driving fast and never learning his lesson.  One week later, this attitude would nearly kill someone:

In my silver Viper, I was driving from Miami to Tampa. I got pulled over going 107 [mph] and the guy let me off. He’s like, “Hey, I know who you are, just keep going, ya know.” Dude, I got back on the road and two minutes later I get pulled over going 113 [mph]. Another highway patrol from the same county said, “I just heard on the radio that my buddy pulled you over and let you go. I’ma let you go this time. It’s your second warning. You get pulled over again, you’re probably going to go to jail.” Three minutes later, [I was] doing 123 [mph] in a 50 [mph zone]. The guy is like, “Hey, I just heard you got pulled over twice in the last 10 minutes. I got to write you a ticket.”

It just goes to show you that tragedy can find any of us at any time.  I bet Nick didn't do anything wrong and yet he still got into a bad car crash.  This tragedy was senseless, and not 100 percent his fault, at least as far as I can tell.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna climb the fence at the zoo and poke that new bear with a stick.  Poka poka poka.  He's just laying there.  Why won't he do anything?  I said POKA POKA POKA.

Comments Off

Remember when Gwen Stefani looked like this? I guess she decided to stop looking like a homeless person and start looking, well, hot. And didn’t she just have a kid? Look at her stomach. She deserves a medal for looking this good. I don’t want to point any fingers, but sometimes when people have kids they get fat and ugly and forget to wear pants. And are named Britney. Spears. Britney Spears. I’m talking about Britney Spears. Not sure if you got it because I was being so subtle.

Comments Off

Hayden Panettiere and the cast of Heroes are promoting the show in Paris this week. For those of you confusing the large metal structure behind Hayden for the Eiffel Tower, you couldn’t be more wrong. It’s my boner. That’s right. I’m a giant love-robot sent back from the future. What, you couldn’t tell? I thought the giant metal wang would’ve given it away.

Comments Off

Keira Knightley is calling out all the drunken whores in Hollywood who spend more time in rehab than on a movie set, more time posing for paparazzi than in acting class.  Keira says:

"With acting the mystique is what's amazing. I love that it's magic, that's the whole point. The whole celebrity thing is not magic.  They're real people proving they're shittier than everybody else because they don't even wear knickers. I'm not going to get blind drunk and then stumble out and fall over and puke up in front of people. I'm not saying I don't do that on my own in private, but I try not to."

If anyone wasn't just massively turned on by Keira Knightley saying she gets blind drunk and falls over and having her curse and call out people like Lindsay, feel free to write me an email and explain your side. No need to put little hearts and bluebirds at the top, cause the idea that you would like them there is very much assumed. The same applies to attached pictures of you in a pretty blue dress, you stud you.

Comments Off

When I think about electrifying and sexy performers, I picture a tubby mother of two, kinda hopping back and forth, one hand on her wig so it doesn't fall off, and gasping for air because her lungs are covered in nicotine.  So needless to say, I'm pretty excited about Britney's big comeback performance on the MTV Video Awards.  Us magazine says:

Of primary importance: her collaboration with Criss Angel on an opening act for MTV’s Video Music Awards, which she reportedly presented to network reps on August 27.
“She’s planning it to be a big comeback performance,” says a Spears insider, who adds that the goal is to make it “shocking.”
One early idea that was canned?
Performing “My Prerogative” amid a medley of hits, as images of exes Justin Timberlake, 26, and Kevin Federline, 29, and other gossip fodder flashed on a screen behind her.

That would have been a good idea.  Because people like it when rich people brag about how they can endanger their kids and flash their kitty and smash into other people cars and attack people with umbrellas if they want too.  It's their prerogative.  Get it?  Maybe some other clips could show her in blackface eating a watermelon or fishing for sharks with kittens on hooks or maybe selling enriched uranium to al Queda.  Or is her truth too real for you?

Comments Off

Britney Spears met with MTV execs and presented them with an opening act for the upcoming Video Music Awards. Criss Angel helped design the performance that Britney hopes will return her to the forefront of modern pop. US Magazine reports:

“She’s planning it to be a big comeback performance,” says a Spears insider, who adds that the goal is to make it “shocking.” One early idea that was canned? Performing “My Prerogative” amid a medley of hits, as images of exes Justin Timberlake, 26, and Kevin Federline, 29, and other gossip fodder flashed on a screen behind her. As for a report that she’d do a duet with Timberlake? “Totally, patently false,” says a Timberlake source.

You know what would be a really shocking performance? If MTV showed a video of Britney Spears staying at home, tending to her children and basically acting like a human being with normal maternal instincts. Nobody gets dropped or used for an ashtray. Child services doesn’t stop by. And most importantly, no one sees up Britney’s skirt. Will she and Criss Angel go that route? Probably not. She’s going to pull a rabbit out of a hat and gyrate on stage until it dies. Criss Angel will jump out of Britney’s leotard and yell “Abracadabra!” prompting your TV to self-destruct. It might be made out of circuits and metal, but goddammit if it doesn’t have a heart and won’t let you suffer.

Comments Off

In the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Ashton Kutcher writes an advice column for couples struggling with how to dress. If your skull didn’t just explode because you read the phrase “Ashton Kutcher writes,” check out his pearls of wisdom:

On a man’s place in relation to a woman
“Your man should not upstage you. He’s there to highlight you.”

On complementing your man
“Guys don’t like to be told they look nice, pretty, or cute or that they clean up well. We want to feel dirty, rugged, and, most important, that you feel safe when you are in our company. So when your guy finally tries on something that you like, tell him that he looks like James Bond or Tony Montana”

On men’s importance in relation to clothes
“When it comes to getting dressed, men are a little bit more important than handbags but less important than shoes. At any rate, we are merely accessories.”

Look, I’m not a doctor. I do, however, practice non-licensed, amateur gynecology behind a Chinese buffet next to the freeway. It’s something of a hobby. Anyway, after reading his article, my experience qualifies me to make the following statement: Ashton Kutcher has a vagina. A giant, man-hating vagina that threatens our very existence. When it’s not too busy picking out handbags.

Comments Off

God help me I don’t know why, but Jenna Jameson has become my favorite person to look at lately. I can’t even comprehend that she’s a person anymore. She looks like the result of some terrible experiment to mate a human, a duck, and a Saturday morning cartoon. And I knew Tito Ortiz was tough, but tough enough to bring himself to have sex with this thing? He’s like Wolverine and a beer keg smooshed into one.

Comments Off

Lindsay Lohan was reportedly caught taking drugs and having sex in rehab and has been warned she’ll be thrown out if she doesn’t stay clean. She was forced to take a drug test by the staff at Utah’s Cirque Lodge rehab facility and the results came back positive. A source says:

“Lindsay got called into the director’s office on August 15 and was questioned about drugs. When ordered to take a drug test, she reluctantly complied but screamed and cursed at the medical director before storming out the room. She was told that if she couldn’t conform to the programme she’d have to leave.”

According to reports, Lindsay was also said to have been caught having sex in a toilet stall with a male patient. She’s also frequently late to meetings and refuses to do any chores or menial tasks such as washing up. Man, even in rehab this woman is unstoppable. She’s like the Terminator, but instead of being programmed to kill she’s been programmed to party. Earth could get hit by a meteor and Lindsay Lohan would be the only surviving creature, and instead of looking for other survivors or getting help, she’d just drink a beer and try to hump a corpse.

Comments Off

Criss Angel says he doesn’t use magic to land dates with the likes of Cameron Diaz, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. He claims to just live his life and is not a serial dater. Criss elaborated to People Magazine about his recent publicized encounter with Britney Spears:

“She had contacted me regarding some live performances. I’ve designed and created many effects for even Steve Wynn’s hotel and Le Reve show. And that’s what I do. So they brought me on to discuss the possibility of working on some stuff with her.” He adds, “And, being that I’m insanely busy, the only time that I had was in the evening. And she was busy doing stuff, so we met in the evening.” He also says the two of them were anything but alone together. “What you failed to see is, when we meet, there’s a lot of other people around a bunch of the time,” he says.

Criss does this one really awesome trick whenever he’s out on a date. It’s absolutely amazing. What he does is this: He takes a girl out for drinks at some fancy club. They start a conversation then, all of sudden, she wakes up in a hotel room – and Criss Angel is having sex with her! WOW! How does he do that? He truly is the Mindfreak.

Comments Off