Kiefer Sutherland has officially been charged with two misdemeanor counts of DUI as a result of his arrest early Tuesday morning, when he was caught driving with a blood alcohol level that was almost twice the legal limit.  Bad got badder for Keifer with the news that the judge hearing his case will be Judge Michael Sauer, the same judge who sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days for driving on a suspended license.  Sutherland was already on probation for a 2004 DUI arrest.  On that occasion, he had a staggering .22 blood alcohol level.  .08 is the legal limit.  People.com says:

The 24 star, 40, faces up to one year in county jail if convicted and a $1,000 fine, plus an additional six months if a judge deems he violated probation.
Because of his previous DUI conviction, Sutherland faces a mandatory minimum sentence of four days in jail if convicted for this latest incident, which was his fourth DUI-related arrest.
In 1989, he was arrested for DUI and carrying a concealed and loaded weapon. In a deal with prosecutors, he pleaded no contest to alcohol-related reckless driving, and the other charges were dropped.
He was arrested for DUI again in 1993, and pleaded out the same way. He was given the option of serving 12 days in jail or performing 211 hours of community service, and opted for the latter.

Wow, if this judge gave Paris 45 days for driving on a suspended license, Sutherland is fucked.  What he's done over the years is much much worse than what Paris did.  The judge might just throw him in a damn volcano or at the very least sentence him to life on Monster Island.

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I don’t know how, but this site seems to have turned into a tribute page to The Hills. Anyway, everybody’s favorite plastic surgery role model Heidi Montag was spotted frolicking on the beach yesterday wearing a pink bikini and carrying around a red life preserver. What an accomplished life. When she’s 60 and looking back on her life she’ll be able to say she inspired a nation of girls to get breast implants and run on the beach. Somebody should get started on her biography now. It’s such a moving story of determination and the human spirit. She makes that Rosa Parks character look like a total douche.

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Britney Spears went to a party in the valley last night wearing … I have no idea.  Some kind of tribute to cupcakes and history, I guess.  Please note that no one else is wearing anything pirate related.  And there are no mermaids or nurses, so it's not like it was a theme or early Halloween party.  Britney is the only one who bought her outfit at Six Flags, not to mention the only one whose belt is begging for mercy.

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Heidi Montag showed up at the Us Weekly Hot Hollywood event and proudly displayed the issue in which she basically states that she’d rather die than have small breasts. Amazing. This would be like Britney Spears smiling and holding up the issue of Ok! Magazine that details her coke problem and shoddy parenting skills. Though, to be fair, I hear she does walk around with it and shows it to people. And by people I mean the guy at McDonald’s that makes the fries. He understands her.

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Mariah Carey is extremely serious about her bathroom privacy. She had a few too many drinks at VH1’s Music Cares event and took her bodyguards to the bathroom. Here’s what happened, according to NY Daily News:

Two women already there say her security tried to evict them, but they refused to leave. Says one: “One of the bodyguards said to us, ‘If you’re going to stay, you better not watch Mariah pee.’”

Wait, wait, let’s repeat that one more time. “If you’re going to stay, you better not watch Mariah pee.” Hilarious! There’s no way I can follow a line like that. I’m packing this one in. Bam, sealed, run it. That bodyguard should do stand up. He would kill. Who wants to see Mariah Carey pee? No, actually, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know how many of you are out there. I like to think I’m unique.

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Wow, Audrina Partridge is ambitious. First she’s filler, now she’s moved up to flashing her panties to the paparazzi. This is almost making me consider spelling her last name right. Almost. I’m going to wait this one out though. She should stop being famous in about ten minutes, and then I can go back to calling her “That girl from that show who’s not blonde.”

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I’m not sure why Audrina Partridge is famous. People tell me she’s on The Hills so I assume she must be really good at talking on her cell phone. Well, today she gets to be filler. It’s a real honor, I know. Bask in it, Audrina. Oh, I almost forgot a trademark witty comment to make this experience complete. Here we go, so, hey, your last name is Partridge. Did you enjoy riding on the bus with David Cassidy? Ha, get it? Audrina Partridge. Partridge Family. They rode that bus. No? Nothing? Damn. Sorry, Audrina. Could you maybe acquire a drug problem or neglect your kids? You know, something hilarious.

EDIT: Turns out her last name is actually Patridge, not Partridge. Wow, she’s even more useless than I thought. I’m leaving her name misspelled in the post though, because, well, she’s Audrina Partridge. I could’ve spelled it “Pancake” for all anybody cares.

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I almost let this one slip by. Almost. But it is The Daily Mail and they wouldn’t run it if it wasn’t true right? Tom Cruise fears that galactic ruler Xenu is planning a revenge attack against Earth, so he’s building a bunker to keep him and his family safe. The Daily Mail reports:

“Tom is planning to build a US$10 million bunker under his Telluride estate.”
“It’s a self-contained underground shelter with a high tech air purifying shelter.”
The facility is said to have enough room for ten people – including wife Katie Holmes, 17-month-old daughter Suri and his adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12.

I want to believe aliens are the reason Tom built a bunker, but it’s time to face reality: the bunker is for Katie Holmes. He probably feels bad about locking her in the closet so he’s upgrading her living conditions. But, hey, protecting her from Klaatu or whoever? Space aliens? That’s a good reason too.

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OK magazine says today that Katharine McPhee is now engaged to her boyfriend, this handsome devil.  And if you're thinking, "where is the handsome devil?  Behind her dad?  I want to see the handsome devil!"  No, no that's him.  For the record, she is 23, he is 42.  OK says:

Her longtime boyfriend, Nick Cokas, proposed to McPhee recently, but friends insist it wasn’t a big surprise. An insider tells American magazine OK!, “They’ve been talking about it (marriage) for some time.”

I know this page is normally pretty cerebral stuff, but I would absolutely write my initials on Katharine McPhee, so this dude deserves a Blue Ribbon from whoever it is that hands out Blue Ribbons in the category of Nailing Hot Young Ass.  My raw sex appeal is hundreds of something's too high to be measured, but you have to admire some fat nobody who can get into the toaster of a rich superstar who is half his age.  This story is inspiring.  He's like Braveheart and Ron Jeremy, rolled into one.

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The New York Daily News says that Mariah Carey's famous ego is still raging unchecked, up to the point now where she even commandeers public restrooms.  The News says:

Mariah Carey, drinking deeply at VH1's Music Cares event, invaded the ladies' room with two burly bodyguards. Two women already there say her security tried to evict them, but they refused to leave. Says one: "One of the bodyguards said to us, 'If you're going to stay, you better not watch Mariah pee.'"

Wow, you must have read my mind, bodyguard, because more than anything in this world, I want to watch Mariah Carey go to the bathroom.  Ever since I was a little boy, it's been my dream.  I used to build lego versions of Mariah with glasses of water hooked up to strings so I could pretend, but now, look, I'm really doing it, achieving my dreams!!!

(bitch don't flatter yourself)

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