I don’t know where or when these were taken, but they feature Jennifer Love Hewitt topless with rocks on her back. And also Jennifer trying to put her leg over her head. Or something. I don’t know. The only thing I do know is that these might be the most important photographs of our generation. Well, except for that one I took of a doggie wearing a funny hat. That thing won like three Pulitzers.

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Lindsay:  Hi, I’m Lindsay Lohan.  I'm fat now, but I'm healthy and off drugs.  Peace!
wwtdd:  Wow you got really fat.  Fuck you tubby.
Lindsay: I'm happier than ever!
wwtdd: Get back on drugs. Wait right there, I'll get you some cocaine.
Lindsay:  I love it here in Utah!  I love nature!
Picnic Bear: Go away fatty!  I am not dinner!  Where is all the fish?
Lindsay:  Fish are good when fried.

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Angelina Jolie attended a conference on global education at the Clinton Global Initiative Annual Meeting. I don’t even know what any of those words mean. I do know that Bill Clinton probably asked Angelina to provide some humanitarian relief – in his pants. That guy is smooth. But I’m smoother. I would’ve talked Angelina into removing the trade embargo between my man parts and her refugee camp. Get it? *nudge nudge* It’s political, see? Get it? Now that’s how you romance, Clinton. I hope you took notes.

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Playboy has offered Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards $1 million to pose nude – together. I’ll pause for a moment and allow the rush of blood to return to your brain. The Sun has the details on the potential boob-sandwich:

“Neither Pam nor Denise has committed yet, but they’re seriously considering it.”
Pammi met Denise on the set of Blonde And Blonder last year, where they became friends.

Someone needs to give Hugh Hefner the Congressional Medal of Honor today. Like right now. Sure Pamela Anderson is looking a bit rough these days, but that’s why Jesus stepped down from the heavens and gave us Photoshop. He bestowed upon us a gift that makes older women with ridiculous breasts look smoking hot. And now Hugh Hefner is using that miraculous gift to put two smoking hot chicks together – with their boobs out. Why didn’t someone tell me church was so awesome?

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Well this almost debunks my vampire theory. I say almost because Kirsten Dunst might have some sort of crazy sunblock that allows her to traverse among us mortals. But for what purpose? I guess she wanted us to remember how pale she is. Thanks for the reminder, Kirsten. Now please stop deflecting the sun into my eyes. I actually need them to look at women that don’t make me wonder how cruel God truly is. Ooh, a valet, I’m saved! Stab her in the heart!

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I don't want to start some crazy rumors, but I think Britney Spears might be experimenting with tinted contacts.  Which is surprising, because she normally lives her life with such a quiet dignity, this kind of showy attention grabber is unlike her.  She might as well have gotten red cats eyes or contacts that look like an 8 ball.  You could put fake contacts on a dog and it would look more natural than this.  The good news, by the end of the week, we'll probably get to see her wearing a big handlebar mustache or maybe dressed like Lincoln.

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Not sure if you guys remember this chick, but Lindsay Lohan’s rehab stint is just about over. Granted there’ve been rumors of her doing coke and having sex with guys in the bathroom while at the Cirque Lodge facility, close friends (that’s code for “publicist”) are saying she’s cleaned up and ready to come out. However Lindsay’s mom Dina Lohan is trying to deny Lindsay’s departure, according to the NY Daily News:

A pal tells the Daily News the tamed wild child could be out as early as this weekend but her mom, Dina Lohan, is trying to put the kibosh on that rumor.
“Access Hollywood” is reporting that show host and Dina Lohan pal Billy Bush e-mailed her asking if LiLo is indeed getting out of the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Sundance, Utah.
Mama Lohan replied: “Not true, staying in Utah.”

Lindsay really needs to get back to her career. I mean it’s going so well. Her latest movie “I Know Who Killed Me” pretty much went straight to video. That’s good, right? People get to watch it right away instead of going to the movies. How awesome is that? And her singing career is just poised to take off. Lindsay’s voice must be amazing from all those cigarettes. Nothing is more sexy then the sound of emphysema. So hot. Come on out, Lindsay, the world is your oyster!

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Sienna Miller is apparently stamping her little feet for attention on the set of her new failure movie "Hippy Hippy Shake", pouting because naked pictures of her, taken on set, have ended up online.  Like here, for example.  The Sun UK says:

She was far from pleased that pictures emerged of her in her birthday suit with a daisy chain crown.
It has caused a few cross words on set.
She was furious that she wasn’t given adequate protection on the outdoor location at London’s Ladbroke Grove, which is overlooked by residential flats.
There was also a suggestion that a few more faces than normal appeared on set the day she had to bare all.
A source said: “Sienna was really hurt. She took some persuading to do the scenes and spent most of the day in her dressing gown building up to it.  She is reluctant to do the rest of her nude scenes.”

Uh, safe to say she's gonna keep getting naked in movies.  That's all shes really good for.  Saying her naked ass is important to her career is like saying wings are important to a plane.  That being said, it is annoying when the tabloids exploit your fame.  Like the expose Time magazine did on Moisture Night, my weekly ritual that uses a combination of antioxidant serums that stimulate the surface skin AND prevents collagen breakdown. 

("Moisture Night" would also be a decent name for a black female porn star, if any of you needed one.)

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Since the dawn of time, man has wondered, "who was that drunk chick with the huge boobs in that video yesterday?"  And now, thanks to Shaun and his noble pursuit of girls with kick ass racks, it turns out she might be internet model Jessica Kramer (NSFW link to her site here).  Her hobbies include shopping, water skiing, and giving me a near painful erection.  She also enjoys going to clubs, dancing, and having boobs so awesome they mock our laws of physics.

UPDATE - went to Jessica's myspace, traded emails and she confirmed it is her.  She said:

Unfortunately it is me. It was my friends birthday and everyone was buying us shots we started at 6pm watching the game at a local sports bar before making our way to Crimson. I had no idea they were filming until the end. I am so embarrassed but I guess there is nothing I can do about it now but I want to clear something up so maybe you can help: I've been reading some of the posts and people are saying my boobs are fake and they are absolutely real.  Anyways hope you have a great day.

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Not much going on today, so here’s Natalie Portman out in New York being shy. I can’t even remember the last time she was on the site. I think it was back in the 1920’s. The site was in black and white, and everytime a post went up there’d be a little kid on the corner with a funny hat yelling, “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!”

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