Heidi Montag confirmed that she had breast augmentation and rhinoplasty surgery in April. For those of you keeping score at home, Heidi got implants and a nose job. The reality star gave an exclusive interview to Us Magazine about the experience:

On why she had surgery:
“I’ve always been very insecure about my body. My whole life, I looked at my chest and was like, OK, they’re going to grow. This is my year! And it never happened. I was less than an A-cup. I wore pushup bras, which cut into my skin. If I was with a guy and there was a girl next to me with big boobs, I would be like, Oh, my God, he’s looking at her!”

On being teased about her appearance:
People would say, “You have such a big nose!” And they’d make fun of me for being so flat, and say mean boy things, like, “If you nailed two nails in a board, they would be bigger than you are.” I was tormented. And when I was older, I’d want to be intimate, but I’d feel insecure. My boyfriends always had bigger chests than I did!”

On going under the knife:
“But surgery is a very big deal. Right before I went in, I was like, What if I don’t wake up? Oh, this is scary. Then I thought, I don’t care. If I don’t wake up, it’s worth it. I just wanted it so badly.”

Okay, no one ever told me The Hills taught people moral lessons. I’ll still never watch it, but it’s good to know positive messages are being sent to young girls. Either have great breasts or get elective surgery that you might not wake up from. I’m practically crying that such a pure, wholesome example is being set. Bless you, Heidi Montag. Bless your large fake breasts and skewed world view.

Note: If you completely missed the sarcasm above, it’s time to lay off the reefer and think about getting a job. No rush though. Make sure you click on a few ads first. You know what; on second thought forget what I said. Light up and enjoy some fine gossip. You earned it.

Comments Off

Several people sent in links to pictures that show Jessica Simpson in ridiculously short shorts that show off her kegs and more importantly, maybe even the kitty.  But if they do, that's news to me because I don't see anything good here.  And trust me, I looked.  I really really looked.  At one point I could see through the back of my monitor I was staring so hard, I could just wave my hand behind my monitor and see it, no problem.  In fact, if there was a job that paid you based on how hard you were trying to see a strangers vagina, I'd be rich.  But trust me, there's not.  They don't make that job.

Comments Off

I don't know what this poor bastard did to deserve this, but Snaggletooth had the nerve to kiss someones hand yesterday in LA, a fate I hope to avoid at all costs, mostly because I would rather punch a bear in his balls than have this fug sea monster ever touch me.  If she ever kissed my hand, I would chop my damn arm off, then burn it, then seal the ashes in a safe, then throw the safe in a volcano.  Even if she were touching my hand to pull me from a cougars mouth, I would poke her in the eys until she let go, then, as the cougar dragged me away and ate my leg, my last words on earth would be, "Oh … my god … she's so ugly … why is she so ugly…"

Comments Off

The Daily Mirror UK says that Halle Berry has been forced to hire extra security after receiving racist threats against the life of her unborn baby.  The Mirror says:

Berry, who is three months pregnant, has received letters at her LA home from an anonymous sicko.
One said she and her child would be "cut into hundreds of pieces".
Halle, 41, who has a white father and an African-American mother, is expecting her first child with white Canadian model Gabriel Aubry.
A source close to the actress said: "Halle does not normally use security but she has taken on a couple of guys to make sure." Police are investigating the threats.

That was pretty much the entire article, so I'm not real sure why they say the letter was racist.  It might just be from Kirstie Alley, who is very fat.  Babies are like snacks to her, like a donut or donut flavored turkey.  I would definitely start the investigation by questioning Kirstie Alley.  She is very hungry.

Comments Off

Victoria Beckham decided it’d be cool to dress like a Nazi as she flew from LA to Japan. Some say she’s basing her look on Tom Cruise’s new role as a Nazi colonel. Victoria and Tom’s wife Katie Holmes are close friends. So close, that Katie is coaching Posh Spice’s career that can’t seem to take off. A source close to Victoria spoke to the The Daily Mail:

“Katie Holmes had been helping her with scripts and perfecting her acting but even that has not helped the situation. Victoria had hoped to be picking and choosing presenting roles too. She had wanted perhaps to guest host on Larry King - in the way that Heather Mills did. But that has not worked out either. She had been hoping that the documentary about the Beckhams moving to America would be made into a series, but it was cut right back too. Victoria had also set her sights on getting the cover of American Vogue but that too has proved elusive. Basically she pinned her hopes on offers of work coming flooding in but that just has not happened.”

Victoria Beckham is making all the right moves. First she seeks advice from Katie Holmes whose career was quietly murdered in its sleep by Tom Cruise - right after he stole Katie’s looks. Then Victoria dresses like a Nazi in public. Smart, smart move. She’s on her way to being the hardest working woman in Hollywood. Posh’s publicist must be the best in the biz. Or a ham sandwich. I can’t decide.

Comments Off

Zac Efron helped launch Halo 3 at Universal Studios yesterday. Interesting choice. When I think of Halo, I think of crazy guns, ridiculous combat and ignoring your significant other. You know, guy stuff. When I think of Zac Efron, I think of ballet slippers, pixie dust and fruit smoothies. I also feel strange feelings – down there. I mean, I feel strange feelings because I’m hunting. Yes, hunting. I grow a beard and wrestle bears deep in the wilderness. Then I go to a bar where women dance naked on poles for dollar bills. Yes, I totally do all that stuff and did I mention I smoke cigars in my sleep? Just want to make sure I’m getting my point across.

Comments Off

Okay, for those of you who don’t know who Dita Von Teese is, she’s an American burlesque star who was married to Marilyn Manson briefly. If you needed that information to enjoy this ad, seek psychiatric help. As for me, I’m now totally into spaying and neutering. In fact, I went out and rounded up a pack of stray dogs just to show Dita how much I’m into animal birth control. So what do I do now? Make them watch a video or something. Whoa, wait, I cut off their what? I don’t care what the hot lady in the corset says, that’s just nuts – no pun intended.

Comments Off

Paris Hilton is traveling to Rwanda to help bring aid to the troubled country. (Yes, that sentence really just happened.) She will make the trip in November in an effort to help families and children in need. Paris talked exclusively to E! Online about her plans:

On what prompted her trip:
“There’s so much need in that area, and I feel like if I go, it will bring more attention to what people can do to help.”

On her increased interest in humanitarian causes:
“I want to visit more countries where poverty and children’s issues are a big concern. I know there’s a lot of good I can do just by getting involved and bringing attention to these issues.”

On keeping the planet safe:
She will also be working on her new Beverly Hills home to make it more “green friendly.”
“I just bought the house and haven’t been able to work on it yet,” Hilton said. “But I intend to.”

It’s nice to see Paris Hilton acting like a somewhat informed, caring individual. That being said, if she goes all Angelina Jolie and starts popping out kids, I’m fleeing the Earth. Some naysayers think strapping dynamite to my car won’t enable it to travel through space. I’ll be the judge of that when I’m flying past the moon and you’re battling Paris’ offspring. I heard that instead of blood, they have herpes flowing through their veins. I just wrote that on the internet, so now it’s a fact. Feel free to quote me in your scientific journal.

Comments Off

Star magazine, via Celebitchy, says that Tom Cruise is planning to build a … wait for it … wait for it … a 10 million dollar underground bunker in Colorado to prepare for the arrival of Xenu, his alien god who is at the heart of scientology.  Star says:

Devout Scientologist Tom Cruise plans to build a $10 million bunker under his Telluride, Colorado, mansion, a source tells Star! Equipped with a high tech air-purifying system, “it’s a self-contained underground system where up to 10 people can survive for years.” Apparently, Scientologists believe that the evil deposed galactic ruler Xenu is set to attack Earth, and they’ll need a safe place to survive.

I'm pretty sure that when someone is this dumb, they can be declared legally dead.  So, it's with great sadness that I report the passing of Tom Cruise: Actor, Father, Beloved Husband.  The End.

Comments Off

Kanye West sure is a cool guy. Here he is drunk as hell after doing an interview on "the Wendy Williams Experience". Whatever that is. He prattles on and on about how he's the number 1 human in music, then makes it clear that he's not on any drugs, even thought it looks very much like he's on drugs.  And why not.  Drugs are awesome. If you're into that sort of thing.  I'm not.  Long ago, a poster of Batman playing soccer with some minority kids taught me that sports were a natural high and drugs will only ruin it.  It also reminded me that we all win when we play by the rules.  Another more accurate way to put it is that one team loses when we all play by the rules.  So with Batman in mind, I kicked that kid in his balls and scored the winning goal as he rolled around in tears, then got a handjob from his girlfriend behind the school bus. The posters feelings weren't clear about that, but it wasn't a very big poster.

Comments Off