A spy for Star magazine spotted Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson out together over the weekend. The two met on the set of a Willie Nelson video a few weeks ago and seem to be hitting it off, according to NY Daily News:

The two dined Sunday at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica before retiring to his Malibu home.
“He couldn’t keep his hands off her,” a witness tells the mag.

Don’t you dare break his heart, Jessica. That man’s been through a lot. What he needs right now is someone to make him appreciate the good things in life. Why, yes, your breasts would be one of those good things. I mean, I wasn’t going to bring them up unless you did. Your dad does it all the time? Ha, that is funny. You are funny. Say, you want to get a drink? Oh, don’t worry about Owen. He’ll be fine. He does great with rejection.

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Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong were spotted at the Rose Bar in New York Monday night. The two seemed to be really enjoying each other’s company, according to Page Six:

Our bar spy said, “They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m.”

Lance, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I know what it’s like to keep your body at peak physical shape. Like a well-tuned machine. You push yourself to the limit everyday. And sometimes you just need to relax. Whether that entails taking in a movie, drinking a fine glass of wine or having sex with an anorexic Muppet is your decision. In the meantime, since you bagged yourself an Olsen twin, the Sesame Street people keep calling. They want Kermit back.

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When I came across these pictures of Slash in a bookstore I assumed he was there to drink his weight in Jack Daniels then shoot laser beams out of his guitar in the cooking section. Turns out he hit up Barnes & Noble yesterday to sign his book. Yup, that’s right. Slash wrote a book. I’m going to assume without reading it that it will be the greatest book of our generation. Sure it might not have an empowering tale of sisterhood or ruminations on life after death. But what it will have is strippers. By the hundreds. I’m pretty much going to throw away my copy of the Bible. Won’t be needing that anymore. Thanks, Slash!

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Kiefer Sutherland never used to mind signing autographs and was a favorite among collectors. But after his arrest for DUI in September he’s not feeling the love, according to Page Six:

“He would always stand and sign for a half hour, but since his arrest, he’s been telling collectors, ‘I don’t do that anymore. You guys screwed me.’ ” Photos taken before the arrest, showing Sutherland looking tired and emotional, were quickly posted on the Internet. The shots could have been introduced as evidence in court.

Kiefer Sutherland truly was the best autograph signer. I remember one time he signed 50 autographs in under a minute. Yeah, he was blitzed on Jager, and he wasn’t really signing anything as much as punching people in the face. He even threw up on one guy’s shoe after yelling “Jack Bauer is a pickle!” But you just don’t see very many stars connect with their fans like that anymore. He really was one of the greats. We’re gonna miss him.

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Sienna Miller’s character seems to have a cold in her new movie Hippie Hippie Shake. She also doesn’t seem to wear a bra. Sienna must be playing some sort of inspiring female role model that other women can look up to. Wait, of course! She’s Susan B. Anthony. I should’ve known. The nipple was a dead giveaway.

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Christina Aguilera has yet to publicly confirm her pregnancy. Of course, she doesn’t really need to when she’s constantly photographed with an increasingly large belly, and, oh yeah, shopping for cribs. All that aside, seriously, what is the deal with her husband Jordan Bratman? I don’t get the point of this guy. It’s like she brings him along just to help her into the car. I bet afterwards she makes him ride in the trunk. Because what could these two possibly talk about? She’s a high-powered musical talent and he can probably recite the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy - in Elvish.

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Jive Records is officially giving up on trying to get Britney Spears to promote her new album. They’re not even planning a tour despite her single “Gimme More” topping the charts. The label realizes that Britney doesn’t care and is apparently becoming fed up with her antics. NY Daily News reports:

“They can’t get Britney to do anything!” said a source close to the label and Spears. “They did get her to do one photo-shoot for some promotional materials, but beyond that, they can’t trust her to even show up. This album could’ve been so much bigger with Britney involved. This is the one opportunity they have to try and sell a million records. They were forced to [go on with] their marketing plan.”

Britney may not even care about the money as her estimated worth this year is near $100 million. Her activities in the press seem to emphasize a detachment with reality:

But her bizarre behavior was evident as recently as Sunday, when our spy found her looking confused as she wandered around the locker room of the Four Seasons Hotel in L.A. — wearing just a bikini bottom. When another woman asked her where the hotel pool was, Brit replied, “Oh, is there a pool here?”

You see what I did there? I started the day off with a scary story because it’s Halloween. I mean, c’mon, how frightening is that? You could be walking around, minding your own business and then “Bam!” topless Britney Spears! Eeeek! But don’t worry. Just tell her you work for Jive and want to take some promotional photos. She’ll shriek and vanish into the night. Presumably to Taco Bell. It’s where the Britney feeds waiting for her next vict – Hey, did you just see that? Was that a nipple? *sniffs* Hot sauce? I didn’t have Mexican… Look! Behind the couch. A stretch mark! AHHH!!

UPDATE: On his radio show this morning Ryan Seacrest managed to get Britney Spears on the phone and you can tell why Jive is fed up. Take a listen and, during the first few minutes, it almost sounds like Britney doesn’t even know she released an album yesterday. She does however know that she loves fried chicken. I’m as shocked as you are.

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Mila Kunis attended the Family Guy 100th Episode party in Los Angeles Monday night. As the voice of Meg on the show, Mila is sadly heard but never seen. Which goes against the tried and true maxim for women to do just the opposite. I’m willing to let it slide though. Family Guy is hilarious. I mean, did you see that episode with the random 80’s pop culture reference? You know which one I’m talking about. Where Peter has the non sequitur flashblack. I guess you had to be there. And stoned. And also a cook at Applebee’s, but not for long, because you’re totally going back to college and finishing that degree.

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Commissioner Scott Gordon has just issued his written ruling regarding the Britney Spears/Kevin Federline custody battle. Kevin Federline will maintain custody of the children while Britney is only allowed three visits a week. Two from 12 to 7 PM and one overnight visit. A parenting coach is still required to be present. Britney is also required to provide evidence that her pool is child-proof. TMZ reports:

In the order, the Commish wrote that when Britney has the kids, “the environment at the house ranged from chaotic to almost somber with little communication at all.” The Commish also recounts what the parenting coach complained of — that “during all three of my visits, Ms. Spears rarely engaged with the children in either conversation or play.”

According to the report, the coach wrote, “It seems that [Britney's] choices are dependent more upon what she wants to do at any given time rather than what would be more enjoyable for the children.”

The coach also provided her final conclusion on Britney’s parenting:

“The problem is that unless Ms. Spears realizes the consequences of her behavior and the impact that it has [on] her children, nothing is going to be successful.”

Really? I thought the problem is that Britney Spears is a shitty mom who likes to show off her hoo-ha and drunkenly breast-feed her kids. But I guess we’ll go with what you said. About the consequences and stuff.

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Brody Jenner is the unemployed 25-year-old son of Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner. He also occassionally pops up on MTV’s The Hills as a love interest for Lauren Conrad. While some of his co-stars have assistants, Brody has his mom, according to Page Six:

“Brody’s mom RSVP’s for him to parties,” said our source. “She called on his behalf for the L.A. Confidential Hypnotiq Halloween party Tuesday night.”

I would comment on Brody Jenner’s lameness, but, knowing what I know about The Hills, I’m 90% positive that he doesn’t even exist. In fact, I’m convinced the only person on The Hills that isn’t a fictional character is Heidi Montag. Not because she has giant boobs but, you know, because she has giant boobs.

NOTE: It’s scientifically impossible to talk about The Hills and not include pictures of Heidi Montag in a bikini. I hear there’s some people at NASA working on it, but as of yet no dice.

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