David Beckham is quashing rumors that Tom Cruise is trying to convert him to Scientology. The two have been close friends since David and his wife Victoria Beckham moved to Los Angeles where Tom and Katie threw a lavish party upon their arrival. The Daily Mail reports:

“We respect their religion. We respect everything they do and believe in.
“But they have never turned around to us and said, ‘You have to be a part of this’, because that’s not what they’re about. It’s never been about that. “There’s been nothing shoved down our throats because friends don’t do things like that.”

One thing these two friends do like is practical jokes. I heard the other day that David Beckham was taking a shower, and, when he picked up a bottle of shampoo, Tom Cruise was behind it giggling like a schoolgirl! The two shared a laugh until Victoria got in the shower. Then Tom started crying and threw a pot of gold at her before disappearing in a “poof” of pixie dust. True story.

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During her mid-30’s, Madonna’s biological clock started ticking and she was desperate to have children. According to a new book released today “Madonna: Like an Icon”, she almost let the late rapper Tupac Shakur bust a kid up in there. NY Daily News reports:

The singer’s friend Alison Clarkson recalls when she was briefly dating Tupac Shakur, one year before his death.
“She was going out with him … but homegirls were saying to him, ‘I can’t believe you’re going out with a white girl,’” - so she got dumped!

Why does it have to be about race all the time? Maybe Tupac, being the forward thinker that he was, just liked vagina. Regardless of skin color. Did anyone think of that? I believe there’s a saying, “We’re all gray in the dark.” Except for the freaky pale Irish. They tend to glow.

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Britney Spears decided to do the Halloween thing last night and dressed up like a busty pirate wench. Or so the caption of this photo told me. I just figured it was her normal outfit. She could wear a pirate hat and I wouldn’t even know it was a costume. I’d assume it was Britney’s way of saying she wants some Long John Silver’s. Or a thermos full of rum. I’m still learning the intricacies of her language. Now, if she only shows the right half of her vagina, that means Burger King, right? Or does her ass hanging out mean Burger King? I really should write this stuff down.

I threw in some shots of Britney sans the pirate get-up and Alli Sims getting pulled over early this morning after leaving the clubs. I know how much you guys love justice. But, trick or treat, they only got a warning! Halloween is fun.

UPDATE: According to ET Online, Britney was decked out in the pirate garb to attend a midnight release of her new album “Blackout” at the Virgin Mega Store in Hollywood. But, when Britney arrived, she couldn’t find a parking space, so she bailed and went clubbing with Alli Sims instead. Her publicist has to drink a lot.

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Josh Duhamel plays a dad-to-be on NBC’s Las Vegas and apparently his work is getting to him, because Josh wants kids and can’t wait to knock up his longtime girlfriend Fergie. Ok! Magazine reports:

“I’ve got a lot of friends with kids. Two of my friends have three kids. They all have kids except for me—so I got to get on the horse!”

Josh said his experience on Las Vegas is getting him ready for the pregnancy process:

“I’ve never been through that and it’s sort of dawned on me as I go — wait, that probably would happen. Maybe she would take it as you not being sexually attracted to her when in fact, maybe you’re just worried that you’re going to hurt the baby.” Then he joked, “And you realize you can’t hurt the baby. You’ve just got to do it doggie style. NO!”

Josh Duhamel, ladies and gentleman. Sexual daredevil. Not only is he unafraid to have sex with Fergie, but he would also do a pregnant chick. I don’t know whether to shake his hand or punch him continually in the neck until he passes out. And from there, take him to a secluded cabin where I’ll teach him that, no, it is not cool for chicks to look like dudes. I don’t care what style of sex you have. I mean, what if she turns around? Then it’s all tears and confusion and questions about your sexual identity. Just like my prom night.

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Britney Spears released her new album Blackout today. To drum up some press, because apparently there’s not enough, Jive sent out photos of a half-naked Britney sitting on the lap of a priest in a confession booth. The photos are also included in the liner notes for her new album. The Catholic Church wasn’t too thrilled about this “bottom of the barrel” stunt, according to NY Daily News:

“This is all the puzzle pieces coming together. This girl is crashing,” said Bill Donohue, president of the New York-based Catholic League. “She’s not even allowed to bring up her own kids because she’s not responsible enough. Now we see she can’t even entertain.”

Clearly Britney Spears’ publicist is ripping pages straight from the Madonna playbook. Unfortunately for them, Britney is pretty much stuck on pissing off Catholics and wearing Kabbalah bracelets. She’s barely allowed to have her own kids, so she can’t adopt one from Africa. Also the marrying Sean Penn thing is out too. Besides the fact that he has a wife, I heard that Sean Penn not only hates the Iraq war but also hates “fatty-fat fat-fat’s.” That’s a direct quote that I in no way made up.

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I debated whether or not to look at these photos of Kim Kardashian’s Playboy shoot. I was kind of hoping to see them for the first time on Christmas morning. You know, the snow is falling outside. The tree is sparkling and lit up. The whole family is abuzz with holiday cheer. I’ll take a seat near the fireplace and open up to Kim Kardashian’s photos. “Look, Grandma, a nipple! Can you believe it?” As I sip from my mug I’ll call for the children because only their innocent eyes can tell me if Kim Kardashian’s ass truly is a portal to the magical world of Narnia. Sure their parents might call the police and Aunt Sarah’s Nativity scene gets broken in the scuffle. But, darn it, that’s what the holidays are all about. Family. Oh yeah, and also sweet, heavenly asses surrounded by white fur. That too.

The photos below are totally NSFW. Unless your boss is super cool, or perhaps he’s, I dunno, Jesus. Then click away.

EDIT: Sorry guys, had to take it down.

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Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong were spotted at the Rose Bar in New York Monday night. The two seemed to be really enjoying each other’s company, according to Page Six:

Our bar spy said, “They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m.”

Lance, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I know what it’s like to keep your body at peak physical shape. Like a well-tuned machine. You push yourself to the limit everyday. And sometimes you just need to relax. Whether that entails taking in a movie, drinking a fine glass of wine or having sex with an anorexic Muppet is your decision. In the meantime, since you bagged yourself an Olsen twin, the Sesame Street people keep calling. They want Kermit back.

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The National Enquirer has obtained a nearly 11 minute audio tape that captures Dog Chapman - the star of the A&E show "Dog the Bounty Hunter" - telling his son Tucker that he must break up with his girlfriend because she's a … um …  because she's of African American desent.  The Enquirer says:

In a shocking world exclusive The ENQUIRER has obtained tapes of two revolting phone conversations in which Duane "Dog" Chapman unleashes a filthy bigoted attack, littered with the N-word and other disgusting racial insults.
The star of the A&E reality show Dog, The Bounty Hunter directed his racist hatred at his son Tucker's girlfriend Monique Shinnery, who is black.

Go here to hear the tape, but be warned because he really does toss around "nigger" like 50 times.  Seriously.  It's bad.  The only way he could be any more owned in this thing is if he hung up the phone and Shaq was standing there.

UNSURPRISING UPDATE - A&E has just released this statement:  "A&E has just learned of the story released by the National Enquirer concerning Duane Dog Chapman. We take this matter very seriously. Pending an investigation, we have suspended production on the series. When the inquiry is concluded we will take appropriate action."

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Jessica Alba says that she will never strip down and get naked for a movie, because her strict Catholic upbringing forbids it.  ABC News says:

Alba believes it is important to abide by her strict religious beliefs, even if it means losing out on blockbuster film roles.
The 26-year-old says, "I will never do a nude scene in a movie, not ever. I can act sexy and I can wear sexy clothes but I can't go naked. I think I was always very uncomfortable about the way my body developed.
"I come from a Catholic family and it wasn't seen as good to flaunt yourself. I can handle being sexy with clothes on but not with them off."

I'm pretty sure this story is like 4 years old and came about because the stripper she played in "Sin City" was supposed to be topless, but whatever, it still sucks.  Jessica Alba is so hot, I heard that when she walks down the street, people literally die.

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When I came across these pictures of Slash in a bookstore I assumed he was there to drink his weight in Jack Daniels then shoot laser beams out of his guitar in the cooking section. Turns out he hit up Barnes & Noble yesterday to sign his book. Yup, that’s right. Slash wrote a book. I’m going to assume without reading it that it will be the greatest book of our generation. Sure it might not have an empowering tale of sisterhood or ruminations on life after death. But what it will have is strippers. By the hundreds. I’m pretty much going to throw away my copy of the Bible. Won’t be needing that anymore. Thanks, Slash!

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