Kiefer Sutherland never used to mind signing autographs and was a favorite among collectors. But after his arrest for DUI in September he’s not feeling the love, according to Page Six:

“He would always stand and sign for a half hour, but since his arrest, he’s been telling collectors, ‘I don’t do that anymore. You guys screwed me.’ ” Photos taken before the arrest, showing Sutherland looking tired and emotional, were quickly posted on the Internet. The shots could have been introduced as evidence in court.

Kiefer Sutherland truly was the best autograph signer. I remember one time he signed 50 autographs in under a minute. Yeah, he was blitzed on Jager, and he wasn’t really signing anything as much as punching people in the face. He even threw up on guy’s shoe after yelling “Jack Bauer is a pickle!” But you just don’t see very many stars connect with their fans like that anymore. He really was one of the greats. We’re gonna miss him.

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SOMEONE IS BUYING BLACKOUT - Britney Spears album "Blackout" will debut at number 1 next week, with projections saying she'll move roughly 365,000 copies.  Sales are higher than some thought but she won't top Carrie Underwood, who is this weeks number 1 after selling 527,000 copies of her sophomore album, "Carnival Ride".  Britney will however top her sundae. With marshmallows, Oreo bits and another sundae.  Zing!

SOME GUY IS GOING TO JAIL - Actor Lane Garrison - who you might know from "Prison Break" but probably don’t -  was sentenced to three years and four months in state prison Wednesday after pleading guilty to vehicular manslaughter without gross negligence and two other alcohol-related charges.  In December 2006, Garrison, 27, crashed his Land Rover SUV into a tree in Beverly Hills, killing a male teen passenger and injuring two teen girls also inside the car.  Garrison - who had a registered a blood alcohol level of over .15 the night of the crash — also admitted he gave alcohol to minors.  So, I think it's safe to say that unless this dead kid somehow comes back to life in 40 months, this dude got off pretty easy.  

SIENNA MILLERS NIPPLES.  AGAIN. - instead of "Hippie Hippie Shake", they should seriously just call this movies "Pieces of Sienna Millers Tits and Ass", because I've seen a thousand pictures from the set, and that's clearly the plot.

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Rush and Malloy say that Jive Records must be thrilled with Britney Spears, considering they have stuck by her and spent millions to make her new record, yet she cant be bothered to do any interviews or tour to help promote it.

"They can't get Britney to do anything!" said a source close to the label and Spears. "They did get her to do one photo-shoot for some promotional materials, but beyond that, they can't trust her to even show up. This album could've been so much bigger with Britney involved. This is the one opportunity they have to try and sell a million records.”

This may be for the best, considering the phone interview she did this morning with Ryan Seacrest on KIIS FM.  She said that instead of promoting the record last night when it hit stores, she watched a movie (she doesn't know which one) and ate cookies and friend chicken.  Ryan asked her if she's dating Tony Romo and she says, "who?"  She also doesn't know what her favorite song is from her album or when she'll see her kids next.  Then to thank her, Ryan gave her a toy for her kids, a stuffed duck dressed as a western sheriff, and he made a little "pow pow pow" sound, and Brittney ran down the hall and hid behind a plant.  "Haaalpp, that cowboy duck is tryin to keel me!"

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Sienna Miller’s character seems to have a cold in her new movie Hippie Hippie Shake. She also doesn’t seem to wear a bra. Sienna must be playing some sort of inspiring female role model that other women can look up to. Wait, of course! She’s Susan B. Anthony. I should’ve known. The nipple was a dead giveaway.

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Christina Aguilera has yet to publicly confirm her pregnancy. Of course, she doesn’t really need to when she’s constantly photographed with an increasingly large belly, and, oh yeah, shopping for cribs. All that aside, seriously, what is the deal with her husband Jordan Bratman? I don’t get the point of this guy. It’s like she brings him along just to help her into the car. I bet afterwards she makes him ride in the trunk. Because what could these two possibly talk about? She’s a high-powered musical talent and he can probably recite the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy - in Elvish.

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Jive Records is officially giving up on trying to get Britney Spears to promote her new album. They’re not even planning a tour despite her single “Gimme More” topping the charts. The label realizes that Britney doesn’t care and is apparently becoming fed up with her antics. NY Daily News reports:

“They can’t get Britney to do anything!” said a source close to the label and Spears. “They did get her to do one photo-shoot for some promotional materials, but beyond that, they can’t trust her to even show up. This album could’ve been so much bigger with Britney involved. This is the one opportunity they have to try and sell a million records. They were forced to [go on with] their marketing plan.”

Britney may not even care about the money as her estimated worth this year is near $100 million. Her activities in the press seem to emphasize a detachment with reality:

But her bizarre behavior was evident as recently as Sunday, when our spy found her looking confused as she wandered around the locker room of the Four Seasons Hotel in L.A. — wearing just a bikini bottom. When another woman asked her where the hotel pool was, Brit replied, “Oh, is there a pool here?”

You see what I did there? I started the day off with a scary story because it’s Halloween. I mean, c’mon, how frightening is that? You could be walking around, minding your own business and then “Bam!” topless Britney Spears! Eeeek! But don’t worry. Just tell her you work for Jive and want to take some promotional photos. She’ll shriek and vanish into the night. Presumably to Taco Bell. It’s where the Britney feeds waiting for her next vict – Hey, did you just see that? Was that a nipple? *sniffs* Hot sauce? I didn’t have Mexican… Look! Behind the couch. A stretch mark! AHHH!!

UPDATE: On his radio show this morning Ryan Seacrest managed to get Britney Spears on the phone and you can tell why Jive is fed up. Take a listen and, during the first few minutes, it almost sounds like Britney doesn’t even know she released an album yesterday. She does however know that she loves fried chicken. I’m as shocked as you are.

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Mila Kunis attended the Family Guy 100th Episode party in Los Angeles Monday night. As the voice of Meg on the show, Mila is sadly heard but never seen. Which goes against the tried and true maxim for women to do just the opposite. I’m willing to let it slide though. Family Guy is hilarious. I mean, did you see that episode with the random 80’s pop culture reference? You know which one I’m talking about. Where Peter has the non sequitur flashblack. I guess you had to be there. And stoned. And also a cook at Applebee’s, but not for long, because you’re totally going back to college and finishing that degree.

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Commissioner Scott Gordon has just issued his written ruling regarding the Britney Spears/Kevin Federline custody battle. Kevin Federline will maintain custody of the children while Britney is only allowed three visits a week. Two from 12 to 7 PM and one overnight visit. A parenting coach is still required to be present. Britney is also required to provide evidence that her pool is child-proof. TMZ reports:

In the order, the Commish wrote that when Britney has the kids, “the environment at the house ranged from chaotic to almost somber with little communication at all.” The Commish also recounts what the parenting coach complained of — that “during all three of my visits, Ms. Spears rarely engaged with the children in either conversation or play.”

According to the report, the coach wrote, “It seems that [Britney's] choices are dependent more upon what she wants to do at any given time rather than what would be more enjoyable for the children.”

The coach also provided her final conclusion on Britney’s parenting:

“The problem is that unless Ms. Spears realizes the consequences of her behavior and the impact that it has [on] her children, nothing is going to be successful.”

Really? I thought the problem is that Britney Spears is a shitty mom who likes to show off her hoo-ha and drunkenly breast-feed her kids. But I guess we’ll go with what you said. About the consequences and stuff.

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Brody Jenner is the unemployed 25-year-old son of Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner. He also occassionally pops up on MTV’s The Hills as a love interest for Lauren Conrad. While some of his co-stars have assistants, Brody has his mom, according to Page Six:

“Brody’s mom RSVP’s for him to parties,” said our source. “She called on his behalf for the L.A. Confidential Hypnotiq Halloween party Tuesday night.”

I would comment on Brody Jenner’s lameness, but, knowing what I know about The Hills, I’m 90% positive that he doesn’t even exist. In fact, I’m convinced the only person on The Hills that isn’t a fictional character is Heidi Montag. Not because she has giant boobs but, you know, because she has giant boobs.

NOTE: It’s scientifically impossible to talk about The Hills and not include pictures of Heidi Montag in a bikini. I hear there’s some people at NASA working on it, but as of yet no dice.

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David Beckham is quashing rumors that Tom Cruise is trying to convert him to Scientology. The two have been close friends since David and his wife Victoria Beckham moved to Los Angeles where Tom and Katie threw a lavish party upon their arrival. The Daily Mail reports:

“We respect their religion. We respect everything they do and believe in.
“But they have never turned around to us and said, ‘You have to be a part of this’, because that’s not what they’re about. It’s never been about that. “There’s been nothing shoved down our throats because friends don’t do things like that.”

One thing these two friends do like is practical jokes. I heard the other day that David Beckham was taking a shower, and, when he picked up a bottle of shampoo, Tom Cruise was behind it giggling like a schoolgirl! The two shared a laugh until Victoria got in the shower. Then Tom started crying and threw a pot of gold at her before disappearing in a “poof” of pixie dust. True story.

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