Everyone have a blast tonight doing whatever it is you do to celebrate the New Year. (If it involves a donkey, call me.) In the meantime, I included these pictures of Paris Hilton to remind you all to practice safe sex. Tonight you might meet Mr. or Mrs. Right, but surprise, they’re full of VD. So wrap it up and be safe. Or, if you happen to hook up with Paris, not only wrap it up, but wear a HAZMAT suit and heavily consider hiring a stunt double.

Happy New Year, everybody! Catch you on Wednesday.

NOTE: In case you’re thinking I just used pictures from Paris’ night with Kevin Federline on Saturday, these are actually from last night. Sexy Paris never changed out of her outfit proving, once again, she is the classiest bitch alive.

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Lindsay Lohan spent the weekend on the island of Capri just off the coast of Italy, and celebrated the new year by doing what she does best.  Namely, banging random guys.  Whoever shows up, pretty much.  The Sun says:

Wild child LINDSAY LOHAN snogs a trio of hunks – in just 24 hours at the start of her holiday.
The Mean Girls actress, 21, was first snapped smooching with waiter ALESSANDRO DI NUNZIO shortly after arriving in the Italian island of Capri for a film festival.
But just a few hours later she was locking lips with a new Italian stallion – handsome actor EDUARDO COSTA.
Lusty Lindsay then rounded off her naughty weekend by kissing another local thespian – long-haired actor DARIO FAIELLA.
One onlooker said: "Lindsay certainly likes her men and judging by her efforts over the weekend, they love her too.   She wasn't content to share a snog with just one fella – it seemed like she wanted them all. She certainly set tongues wagging."

Rawwrrr, this is hot stuff baby!  Lindsay is young and sexy and she wants to get to know the pleasures of life.  Her erotic adventures in Italy rival even mine.  In fact in Tuscany, the locals even have a song about me.

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Lindsay Lohan spent the weekend in Capri where she hooked up with three guys in less than 24 hours. Starting with the waiter pictured above here’s a rundown of Lindsay’s conquests as reported by the Daily Mail:

Dude #1 Alexandra Di Nunzio:
The pair exchanged phone numbers at a film showing which the actress attended with Heroes star and friend Hayden Panettiere, 18.
But she dumped her friend shortly afterwards to meet up with, and lock lips with, Di Nunzio.
The pair enjoyed a meal together before getting cosy on a hotel sofa together.

Dude #2 Eduardo Costas:
The older man looked like the cat who got the cream after his passionate embrace with the young star who recently reconciled with her father and is said to be leading a ‘healthy’ lifestyle.

Dude #3 Dario Faiella
The son of Italian music legend Peppino Di Capri shared a few intimate moments with the actress, who is also said to be dating the ex-love of troubled pop star Britney Spears — 28-year-old music producer JR Rotem.

It’s nice to see Lindsay Lohan is back to her true form. And by true form, I mean a bionic humping machine secretly created by the government.

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Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline partied together in Vegas this weekend. Yeah, go ahead and absorb that for a minute. People says they spent the night together in Paris’ room. PageSix.com says they didn’t. I bet he did. I mean, how could Kevin resist Paris climbing over furniture like a drunken Spider-man? That’s just erotic. Could you imagine if he knocked her up? I did. It took the fire department five hours to talk me down off a ledge. Then they gave me a ride on the fire engine to a strip club. Okay, maybe I sort of jumped off the back when no one was looking.

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Britney Spears kept things quiet this weekend and hit up the closing sale at the Virgin MegaStore in LA. Has she finally calmed down? Did she find true love with her pap in shining armor? Can we expect a quieter more subdued Britney this year? These questions and more I will completely forget about as I bring in the New Year by downing the world’s largest Jell-O shot. Anyone know where I can rent a cement mixer?

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What is clear is that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton were getting very friendly this weekend at the nightclub Pure in Caesars Palace in Vegas.  Whats not clear is who stepped up to who first and what, if anything, they did after that.  The Sun UK says

Finally, he plucked up courage and went over, gave her a kiss and then whispered something in her ear. The pair immediately began laughing together.
An onlooker said: “It looked as though they were getting quite friendly.”

This is in stark contrast to what Page Six says about the exact same event.

Seems like Kevin Federline has had enough drama for one year. The divorced dad-of-four dissed Paris Hilton during a December 30 party at Pure nightclub in Las Vegas. The celebutante, who was hosting the pre-New Year’s Eve celebration, shimmied up to Kevin in a sequined dress and made her move — only to be rejected by the newly single stay-at-home playboy.
“Paris whispered some pretty sweet and enticing words in Kevin's ear,” a Federline family insider told PageSix.com. “She basically asked him where he was staying and if he wanted to visit her in her own suite.” According to the source, Kevin passed, but he said, “It will not be so easy to deny her next time.”

I'm inclined to believe Page Six because it's American and America is so fucking bad ass.  The Brits are cool but they add U to words for absolutely no reason and they eat food in disgusting combinations, so it makes me think they're up to something.  But realistically, I'm sure Paris fucked KFed because what the hell else are they gonna do?  She's a whore and he's an idiot.  What did you think they were gonna do, read the Velveteen Rabbit to orphans.

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If you can't wait until January 26 to see Constantine perform at a Borders bookstore in New York, or his next show three weeks later at To Be Announced, maybe you can swing by the Oneida Casino in Green Bay, Wisconsin and retrace his footsteps when he was the bingo caller from November 4th to December 28th. Oh yes.  Bingo.  Soon he'll be boxing kangaroos at the state fair or doing play-by-play for a live action Dungeons and Dragons tournaments.  "Lightning bolt, lightning bolt, lightning bolt!"  That ones on a rocketship to stardom, he is!

(my favorite part of lightning bolt has always been how fatty misses the 18 foot tall target three feet away and hits his own guy in the face at least twice.)

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Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline partied together in Vegas this weekend. Yeah, go ahead and absorb that for a minute. People says they spent the night together in Paris’ room. PageSix.com says they didn’t. I bet he did. I mean, how could Kevin resist Paris climbing over furniture like a drunken Spider-man? That’s just erotic. Could you imagine if he knocked her up? I did. It took the fire department five hours to talk me down off a ledge. Then they gave me a ride on the fire engine to a strip club. Okay, maybe I sort of jumped off the back when no one was looking.

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It really feels like Britney Spears should have snapped months ago and done something crazy again.  This bitch better hurry up.  She’s getting boring.  I just hope she doesn’t kill herself.  Although that would be good for my numbers.  Okay, in hindsight, and I’m not entirely sure how this sort of thing works, but if she could kill herself twice that would really help me out.  Looks like the first one is on the way:

"She was going, like, 90 down Sunset and on PCH (Pacific Coast Highway). She was going that fast for 15 to 20 minutes," an eyewitness tells PageSix.com, adding that one member of the paparazzi was arrested for trying to keep up.
"She was swerving and not paying attention to the cars in front of her. At one point she sort of stepped on her breaks really suddenly and you could hear the tires screeching."

She's been wearing this same outfit for two days now and she drives like she doesn't care if she lives or dies, so it sounds like she's pretty profoundly depressed.  According to my sources, it's because the farmer told her that if they injected the pigs with caramel, they would just die.  They won't have a caramel center, they'll just die.  And Britney said, "but … but I wanted da carmel piggy."  And then her bottom lip quivered, and she got real sad, and she just kinda shuffled away with her shoulders slumped.  Awww.

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"Desperate Housewives" star Nicollette Sheridan is in St Barts this week with her boyfriend Michael Bolton (not the guy from Office Space) and at one point yesterday she almost ran right out of her bikini top (bam).  And, yeah, that was pretty much it.  Look, I can't hold your hand your entire life you know.

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