They’ve been a rumored item for months, but now it seems that Milo Ventimiglia has finally admitted that he is dating co-star Hayden Panettiere.  One reason for the denials may be because she is 18, he is 30.  The Sun UK says:

After weeks of denials MILO VENTIMIGLIA has finally admitted that, yes, he is dating the lovely Hayden.  According to Stateside reports, Milo couldn't help gushing over his new lover at the pre-Christmas Water Grill party in LA.  An eyewitness said: "He called her his girlfriend and said that he loved her."  The couple then spent the rest of the party sitting together and holding hands.

She could do much better.  He talks out of the side of his mouth like he had a stroke.  It's wildly irritating.  I feel like he's trying to tell me something in code, like he's trying to whisper that someone is behind me, so an episode of "Heroes" is nothing but 60 minutes of me turning around again and again and saying, "what, where?"

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You probably think you have an idea about how bad Jessica Simpson's movie career is going, but according to Page Six, take whatever image you have in your head and now double it, then add a bunch of profanity and exclamation marks.

Her latest, "Blonde Ambition" was headed straight to DVD release when the bosses at Nu Image and Millennium Films decided to give it a limited Christmas run. Bad mistake; the turkey took in just $1,322 its opening weekend in eight Texas theaters. Jessica's next picture, "Major Movie Star," with Vivica A. Fox and Steve Guttenberg, is also heading straight to DVD.

When is this chick gonna dump her dumb ass dad?  She should be a huge star but he just keeps fucking everything up.  All these movies are that dipshits idea.  I could film Jessica Simpson undecorating her Christmas tree and I promise you it would make more than any of his movies.  Even god damn museums make more than 1300 dollars a weekend, and those things are nothing but naked statues of muscular young men.  No ones going to that crap.  Except for pedophiles and old queens.  I could lure more people in with a talking parrot that this retard did with a hot piece of ass with big boobs.

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My original headline for this post was “Simon Cowell attacked by rogue Ethopian.” Then I did some investigative journalism (i.e. Wikipedia) and learned that it’s actually Simon’s fiancé British TV personality Teri Seymour. The couple are on vacation in Barbados for the holiday. I can understand why he keeps her around. She seems handy. Simon could always use Teri as a walking stick if he were on a long hike. Or, I dunno, maybe as a karate staff if he wanted to fight crime or play Ninja Turtles with Ryan Seacrest who always wants to be “Naked Shredder.”

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George “Tailor Made” Weisgerber, the winner of VH1’s I Love New York 2, may love more than just his recent fiancé Tiffany “New York” Pollard. Tailor Made was seen making out and flirting with three different women at a company holiday party, according to spies for NY Daily News:

“He was a hot mess,” says the snitch. “He was dancing, and kissing a blond with curly hair, then holding hands with a girl with short straight brown hair.”
And when the third girl tried to help him up after he “fell on the floor of the bathroom,” he hit on her!

Can anyone blame the guy? If I were engaged to New York, I’d be hooking up with anything but her. There’d be paparazzi shots of me zapping my nads with a taser gun while screaming “This is so much better than sex with my fiancé!” Then I’d make out with a lit BBQ grill and cry tears of joy because, for once, I actually love where my face is.

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Mischa Barton was picked up for DUI and narcotic possession early yesterday morning. Officers pulled Mischa over when her car straddled two lanes and she failed to use a turn signal. A source for the West Hollywood police provided TMZ with the details of her arrest and what Mischa had on her:

Mischa Barton blew a .12 on her breathalyzer test, admitted to smoking marijuana earlier that day (which cops found in her car) and had what cops say looked like prescription drugs in her car — in an unlabeled bottle.

That’s why I keep my prescription drugs in a clearly labeled bottle that reads “Fuck You Up Pillz.” I use the “z” instead of an “s” because I’m wack. And also because I took a handful of them while swimming in an above-ground pool full of bourbon. Or at least I was until my neighbor came home and started asking why I filled his pool with booze. He didn’t seem to believe me when I said “Jesus told me to.” But yet he said “Jesus thinks I should hit you with a shovel.” Which he did. God, what a hypocrite.

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So these are apparently the pictures Riley Giles was trying to sell to the tabloids, depicting his ex-girlfriend Lindsay Lohan in "various states of undress".  And now that they're out there for free hopefully no one will by them, because I definitely never want to hear about this tubby fuckup ever again, and I definitely definitely definitely never want to hear about him being naked ever again, and I've never meant anything more in my entire life.

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Jessica Simpson isn’t the box-office draw you’d expect a hot chick with a creamy stupid center to be. Her latest film Blonde Ambition was headed straight for DVD until the producers decided to show the film in Jessica’s home state of Texas. It not only bombed but set the stage for the rest of her film releases, according to Page Six:

The turkey took in just $1,322 on its opening weekend in eight Texas theaters. Jessica’s next picture, “Major Movie Star,” with Vivica A. Fox and Steve Guttenberg, is also heading straight to DVD.

I did the math on this one and it’s bad. Assuming movie tickets are $10, roughly 16 people saw this movie at each theater over a three day span. If this isn’t a giant sign that says “Jessica Simpson, it’s time for porn” then I don’t know what is. I mean, besides that billboard I built outside her bedroom window that says “Jessica Simpson, it’s time for porn.” Her dad was a big help though, so I can’t take all the credit.

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Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael Lohan offers some of his recently acquired spiritual advice to the Spears family as they cope with Jamie Lynn’s teenage pregnancy. Michael knows what it’s like to get caught up in the “whirlwind” that comes from having celebrity children. Here’s what he told the Spears, as reported by Extra:

“Stand together,” he insisted. “Stand by each other and don’t let anyone come between you.”

Michael added, “Even if you have to get really like insanely close to your daughter’s unfathomably large breasts for her age, just keep standing by each other. Don’t let anything come between you. Especially pants: The devil’s most sinister form. I rebuke you, pants!”

NOTE: I added some pictures of Lindsay Lohan in black tights just for the hell of it.

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Jessica Alba and Cash Warren hopped on the engagement bandwagon this week. Cash decided to make an honest woman out of Jessica who he met in 2004 on the set of Fantastic Four. It was recently announced that Cash put a baby up in that ass if I’m using the correct medical terminology which I’m 90% sure I am. The Associated Press reports:

“I can confirm that they are engaged,” Alba’s publicist, Brad Cafarelli, said in an e-mail to The Associated Press on Thursday.
The couple is expecting their first child in late spring or early summer, Cafarelli said.

I can’t believe all these young couples don’t realize that, Garth, marriage is a punishment for shoplifting in some countries. I also can’t believe I just blatantly ripped off Wayne’s World. If I start quoting Coneheads, I want you to give me my medication. And by medication, I mean hit me with your car.

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I know I'm a day late on this but I've been traveling for two days and there you go, but Jessica Alba has been seen around lately with a big huge rock on her finger (bam) and now it has been officially confirmed that she is engaged to her longtime boyfriend Cash Warren.  People.com says:

Mom-to-be Jessica Alba was spotted over the Christmas holiday with a rock on her left ring finger – and the rumors are true: She and boyfriend Cash Warren are engaged, her rep confirms to PEOPLE.
"I can confirm that they are engaged," says publicist Brad Cafarelli.

This dude doesn't even really do anything, yet he snared the hottest piece of ass on earth, making this the biggest upset since I won that no-rules, underground MMA tournament in Thailand last year.  With that in mind, you might think I'd begrudgingly give him the respect he's clearly earned.  Yet, look, here I am, telling him to go fuck himself.

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