Nicollette Sheridan went to St. Barts for Christmas with her fiancé singer Michael Bolton. I’m tempted to hand Nicollette the coveted award for “Hottest Old Chick of 2007” right now because she is smoking. But I need to be objective and maintain my journalistic integrity. I still have to judge the swimsuit competition at the nursing home this weekend. There might be a looker in the bunch. Then I’ll court her with promises of shuffleboard and peanut brittle. It’s almost too easy…

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Star magazine says today that Casey Aldridge is NOT the father of Jamie Lynn Spears baby, despite her claims, and in fact the real father is a producer on her show "Zoey 101".  The producer/real dad is described as "much older" and he cannot come forward because it would be admitting to statutory rape and he would almost certainly face jail time.  Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Friends have said that Jamie Lynn was no longer even seeing Casey - and family members told Star that they believe the real father is a much older executive at her children’s TV show ‘Zoey 101′.
“Casey is being paid off to be the family’s fall guy while the real father remains unidentified,” Star magazine insists.
The magazine quotes “two separate Spears family insiders” who believe the father is someone who works on Jamie Lynn’s kids’ show.

All of this fits in nicely with reports that Spears is further along then she claims and the rumor from October that an older producer got the teen star of his show pregnant.  It also fits with the image that, at some point, the father of a Spears baby would end up in jail.  It's just destiny.  I also expect the phrase "I'm in love with a negro" to be blurted out one thanksgiving.

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Just about two weeks ago, a model named Alexandra Paressant told X17 Online that she had been having an affair with Tony Parker, the San Antonio Spurs point guard and husband of Eva Longoria.  She offered several private text messages from Parker as proof and detailed their sex life, where they met, how they met and why Tony would cheat on Eva (she was boring in bed).  Parker and Longoria both vehemently denied the allegations and Parker sued X17.  Now, after some pretty impressive reporting by People, it turns out this bitch is nuts and Parker is telling the truth.  Not only is he not sleeping with Paressant, he's never even met her, the pictures she claims are her are really a German model named Hana Nitsche (above) and Paressant has done this sort of thing before with international soccer superstar Ronaldinho.  People reporter Dana Kennedy says:

I tracked down Paressant last week after getting a routine assignment by PEOPLE magazine: find the French model who says she met Parker at his big July wedding to Longoria and started sleeping with him in September.
When I googled her, I got an eyeful: her ex-boyfriend was Ronaldinho. In 2006, he sued her for telling the press he'd been partying and having wild sex with her every night during the World Cup matches.
I immediately assumed Tony Parker was a cad and Ronaldinho was an idiot - but I could understand why.
The photos on Paressant's MySpace site were dazzling - they showed a knockout with long, dark hair and legs that stretched for miles.
Here's what I didn't know:
1. None of the photos on MySpace were of Paressant. They were different shots of similar-looking models.
2. Alexandra never had a relationship with Ronaldinho, according to his lawyer, who is also his brother, and there's no indication she ever met Tony Parker.

way more after the jump, totally worth it… 

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The Hilton family spent Christmas in Hawaii and Nicky Hilton decided to spread some holiday cheer by wearing a bikini. I’m surprised at the shapeliness of Nicky’s ass compared to the frailness of her figure. I would’ve expected her butt to be entirely level or concave even. I also assumed the slightest of ocean currents would whisk her off deep into the Pacific dragging Paris with her but, sadly, it appears Santa didn’t get my letter this year.

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R&B singer Brandy has yet to be charged with vehicular manslaughter from her December 2006 crash that left a woman dead. Apparently, the delay is because authorities have evidence that conclude Brandy may not have been the one at fault. The California Highway Patrol shared some of this information with TMZ that puts the situation in a new light:

A CHP source tells TMZ the woman who died in the car accident involving Brandy actually struck the vehicle in front of her before Brandy made any contact. The law enforcement source says Awatef Aboudihaj, the woman who died, struck the car in front of her — which was going 65 mph, and then slammed on her brakes. We’re told the sudden stop caused Brandy to hit the dead woman’s car.

The woman also had traces of marijuana in her system, according to the LA County Coroner. The city has until Friday to file charges against Brandy before the statute of limitations runs out, but it will be next to impossible to prove negligence on Brandy’s part. Wow, way to dodge a legal bullet by actually being innocent. I usually just flee to Mexico. It gives me an excuse to get out of the house and really find myself (i.e. drink tequila out of a sombrero).

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You probably weren't wondering, but if for some reason you were, Nicky Hilton spent Christmas day on Maui.  Which bugs me to no end.  I know people say she's prettier than Paris but asking if Paris Hilton could get any uglier is like asking if a turkey could get any uglier.  So Nicky Hilton and a turkey are in a tie for the coveted title of, "Prettier Than Paris Hilton".  Last years winner was Every Other Woman On The Planet Earth.  Good luck Nicky!

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So it's come to this.  Britney Spears, who three years ago could make a case for being the hottest and richest chick on the planet, is now alone on Christmas, with no friends or family, and the only people that will fuck her just do it as some kind of novelty.  Us magazine says:

Spears' "wild date" began Saturday night with the photographer, who works for the Finalpixx photo agency, handing Spears his business card at a gas station after he heard she "liked" him. Soon after getting his card, Spears contacted him and, after meeting up, the pair was later spotted holding hands at a supermarket.
"After discussing the possibility of him coming into her house she said that her house was too dirty and that she would rather go to a hotel," Splash reports. "So they changed cars and she went back to her house to freshen up while Adnan (the paparazzi, pictured above) parked down the road and waited for her. She then came out in her car and they both drove to an L.A. hotel."

It's too bad her house was "too dirty", because the only thing that could have made that night even more magical was having to sweep all the ice cream sandwich wrappers off the bed before they, you know, "did it".

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Britney Spears could face jail-time if she skips her scheduled court hearing next week. Britney will be deposed by Kevin Federline’s attorneys who were not thrilled when Britney claimed to be too ill to appear at a deposition hearing a few weeks ago. OK Magazine reports:

But considering the potentially dire consequences for Brit, she might want to think twice before oversleeping or calling in sick next week.
“She could go to jail for contempt of court if she refuses to show,” one legal eagle confirms to OK!.

Whatever happened to firing squads? I always thought those were an effective legal practice. If there’s anybody we should bring it back for, it’s Britney Spears. I took the liberty of drawing up a diagram of the awesome results my proposal would bring. It’s more a less a picture of Britney’s kids miraculously living to age ten, still possessing all their limbs and speaking a recognizable form of English. Oh, and if you look in the background, there’s the cure for AIDS.

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Paris Hilton’s little brother Barron supposedly spent the night in a hotel with his girlfriend Skye Peters, daughter of producer of Jon Peters and his ex-wife Christine. Both kids are only 16. Page Six reports:

On Friday, the two holed up in room 261 at the Bel Air Hotel and “something happened,” said a friend of Jon’s, as “police were called.” A rep for Jon reached the producer at his Santa Barbara ranch and told Page Six: “Jon has responded that he will be looking into the purported relationship, and why Christine is allowing their youngest daughter to spend nights out.”

I’ll tell you why Christine is allowing their youngest daughter to spend nights out. She was lucky enough to receive an advanced copy of Lynne Spears’ book. Clearly, Christine was motivated by Chapter 4: Hotels and Teenagers – Oh, They’ll Just Watch a Movie or Something; They’re Good Kids.

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Before having promiscuous sex with a photographer, Britney Spears walked around Saturday in a ridiculously see-through shirt, and, oh, holy night, no bra! It’s a Christmas miracle. Kind of. I think. All I know is my penis is glowing bright red like Rudolph’s nose and I dunno if that’s good or bad. Hey, here comes Santa Claus. You want my dong to guide your sleigh tonight? Sure. Why not? Let’s save Christmas, jolly man. But wait. *holds a candy cane to his ear* Baby Jesus is on the phone. He says we should get lap dances first. Your treat.

Happy Holidays everybody! See you guys Wednesday.

All the pics are NSFW. (Hint: It’s because of the nipples.)

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