Mariah Carey went shopping yesterday at Van Cleef & Arpels on Rodeo Drive. I have no idea what that is because I have a penis. Anyway, she tried on several pieces of jewelry. Apparently her breasts aren’t noticeable enough. Even the guy in the background, let’s call him Nigel, is trying to resist touching them. He’s mostly afraid the top button of Mariah’s shirt will rocket off at any second severing his finger. Then how will he explain that to his wife Mrs. Nigel? I mean, once she notices his well-earned Purple Heart.

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Lindsay Lohan got down with some Grey Goose over the weekend while partying with Brody Jenner of MTV’s The Hills in NYC. Lindsay’s friends and rep deny she was drinking, but observers noticed she was definitely in the sack. NY Daily News reports:

One source contends that drinks were showing on Linds on Friday. Confronted by paparazzi at the Beatrice, “she started going berserk,” claims a witness. “She didn’t want them taking shots of her with Brody.”

How dare they take pictures of Lindsay when she’s only hooking up with one guy? She’s got a reputation to uphold as a three-man whore-bot. The least the paps could’ve done was provided her with a homeless guy to have sex with on top of some garbage cans. It’s called chivalry. Maybe you guys should look it up sometime.

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I have absolutely no idea what "Fools Gold" is, I've never heard of it and I'm skeptical that it's even a real movie, but it had a premiere last night, and it featured Matthew McConaughey, his pregnant girlfriend Camilla Alves, Kate Hudson and 800 mile per hour winds.  Where were they, the airport?  Camillas skirt kept blowing up and whatever the hell Kate was wearing kept blowing over her face.  When asked for a comment, Kate said, "Who said that?"

picture source = flynet and bauer griffin

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Michelle Williams kicked Heath Ledger out of their Brooklyn home because of his drug problems over the past year. Heath would disappear for days on end and show up a complete mess, according to a member of Heath’s entourage. Page Six reports:

“He was partying, doing drugs. She didn’t like the company he was keeping. She gave him an ultimatum. . . . and threatened to get custody of the girl. He wanted to make it work, but it was this scene he was wrapped up in. Was he an addict? Yeah.”

Entertainment Tonight was also going to air a tape of Heath doing cocaine at a hotel party in 2006, but opted not to out of respect for the Ledger family. Heath also had a problem with heroin that may shed light on his death, according to Page Six’s source:

“Once you go down that road, then it gets really scary. Because all of sudden you shoot up, you take heroin, then you do a line of cocaine and then you take sleeping pills. Look at River Phoenix, he died exactly the same way.”

I tried to find the Heath Ledger drug video on YouTube but all I found was some jackass who filmed himself through what looks like a roll of toilet paper. I don’t want to say it’s the most retarded thing I’ve seen in a while because I cover Britney Spears everyday. So that bar is pretty high. That being said, now I can’t stop saying “Earthen dam.” God, I hate you, YouTube. But I can’t quit you.

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There’s nothing like waking up in the morning and finding out Britney Spears went insane again while you were sleeping. As I’m sifting through the deluge of info, it appears Sam Lufti is was the point man with the doctors who are taking care of Britney. During her last trip to the hospital, she signed some form stating she doesn’t want her parents involved in any type of medical emergency, according to TMZ:

We’re told her dad had gone ballistic back then, screaming and swearing at Lutfi — even pushing him — in front of Britney. As to what paperwork was signed, the cleanest thing would be if Britney signed a durable power of attorney, giving someone power to make medical decisions on her behalf in an emergency. We are told no such document was signed, but somehow Britney made it clear she wanted Lutfi to make those decisions.

Obviously her parents have called in all kinds of lawyers to get this mess straightened out. In the meantime, E! Online is reporting that Sam is the one who contacted Britney’s psychiatrist to get the ball rolling. Plans had been laid for days to get Britney hospitalized and the LAPD was ready for the call:

Lutfi was said to be key in making it happen, even over the objections of the singer’s recently reunited mother, Lynne.
“The scene inside the house was chaos,” the insider continued. “Lynne was shouting at police. She didn’t want them to take Britney away at first. It was a zoo.”

Here’s an interesting little item that I remembered from yesterday on TMZ. Britney and Sam got into a loud screaming match in front of the paps over who would drive her new Mercedes Benz. The Benz that Sam made her go out and buy while her parents were in town. He was spotted driving the car to the hospital this morning. It seems like Britney is Sam’s goose that lays the golden eggs. As long as he keeps her in the hospital, he still gets to have McMuffins. Or maybe an omelet. Western style. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I haven’t had breakfast yet.

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At some point while the police were assigning a dozen motorbikes and a full escort for the girl who sang "Oops I Did It Again" 8 years ago, did anyone raise their hand and say, wait, we're doing what for who?  This is the kind of escort you would see like if they found an alien body.

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One of the most amazing things in all this is the reports that Britney hasn't slept since Saturday, but there's nothing but highlights in this thing. Here's some stuff from all over:

The very earliest report on this came last night at around 1045pm, when X17 reported that Britney had attempted suicide. Other sources have said that is not true, but something sure as hell had to happen for this to all come down in the middle of the night on a Wednesday. Keep in mind that NO ONE is nicer to Britney than X17. If they something bad about her, it's not because they're making it up.

TMZ says, "the media frenzy surrounding Britney's drama has caused cops to speak in code over the police radio. Britney's code name is 'The Package.' " Coincidentally, that was my nickname in high school. Get it? It's a joke. I'm inferring that I have a larger than normal penis, and then going on to imply that this was well known in my formative years. Get it? You see, the joke began when I read that Britneys code name was "the package"…

People magazine says that last nights actions were brought on because, "She was driving around her neighborhood like a mad-woman," says a Spears family source. "Britney has been prescribed medication which she refuses to take. This is just another sad, sad evening."

TMZ says, when, "Britney's psychiatrist told her she was going to the hospital. Her response was, 'Is something wrong?' She was not resistant. She made hot chocolate and waited before paramedics arrived and placed her on a gurney." Lazy bitch. Can't you even roll your fat ass onto the gurney by yourself. Jesus, how much hot chocolate did you drink. Not everything is an excuse to guzzle chocolate by the way, fatty. They probably dressed everyone up like those talking M&Ms. "Hi Britney! Would you like to follow us on an adventure?" "Yes. Yes I would like that."

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Very early this morning, at around 3:30 am on the west coast, Britney Spears was taken into custody after a LA County Superior Court judge signed a "5150," meaning Britney is on a three-day psychiatric hold. These are typically ordered when a patient presents a danger to themself or others. This could, and probably will, be extended to 14 days. The 5150 came after her lawyers, Anne Kiley and Tara Scott, secured a new psychiatrist late last week.  He is the one who set this in motion.  TMZ says:

At the same time, we're told Britney's mother, father and brother have been "working closely with the LAPD for weeks" to get her back in for psychiatric care. There is a dogfight now between Britney's family and Sam Lutfi over who will make medical decisions, however that fight is now put on hold because the judge now makes the call.

They say Britney was so calm after she was told and as she waited for police to come bring her in, that it was actually sorta creepy. They say she sat quietly and drank some hot chocolate. Presumably because she has absolutely no idea what a 5150 is. She probably thinks she going to the future.

(NOTE - the picture is from the last time, not from this morning)

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Britney Spears was taken from her home early this morning in an ambulance. She’s currently checked into UCLA for mental evaluation, according to People:

“She went willingly. It was like something in her heart was telling her she should go. She knew something was wrong,” confidant Sam Lutfi tells PEOPLE.

However Sam Lufti may no longer be speaking for Britney. TMZ is reporting that Britney’s parents are taking control of the situation and are working with a judge to get control of Britney:

We’re told Britney’s mother, father and brother have been “working closely with the LAPD for weeks” to get her back in for psychiatric care. There is now a dogfight between Britney’s family and Sam Lutfi over who will make medical decisions, however, that fight is now put on hold because the judge now makes the call.

Apparently it was Britney Spears’ new psychiatrist who called the ambulance last night to get the ball rolling. There was no suicide attempt which had been previously been rumored. Britney is back on 5150 hold and this time her parents are looking to it extend it for 14 days. As of this post, there has been no sign of Dr. Phil. He’s probably still firing up the Phil-jet.

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It probably feels like hours since you last saw Britney Spears breasts. Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news.  And it's the same news.  Ta-da!

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