You’re probably thinking to yourself that Drew Barrymore looks kinda hot, but I’m not here to help, and I like to ruin everything for everyone, so feast your eyes on this. A close-up from this. How is that even the same person? If she doesn’t do something about that I may not let her give me oral. I'm tough but fair.
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Scarlett Johannson could be yours for an entire evening. Provided you have a buttload of cash and win a charity auction on eBay. Scarlett goes up for bidding on Sunday, so start digging in those couch cushions. You’ll get a chance to help those in need and possibly see some cleavage. It reminds me of that passage in the Bible about caring for others: “And so Jesus said to Thomas, ‘Dude, I totally need to touch that chick at the well’s cones. Go get me a blind dude to heal. STAT. For real, that move is guaranteed to get me to No-Pants-rusalem.’ And Thomas did as the Lord commandeth thus securing his heavenly position of righteous wing-man.” 2 Superficialonians 5:19 (KJV).
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A.: Mandy Moores last known photograph.
B: Muy muy fanstastico!
c: Easter Egg Wolfman.
D: Mandy Moore posing with fans in the Sydney airport in Australia, where make-up is seemingly illegal. Why was she in Sydney? There's no way to know. Maybe she heard they had a dorkier pair of glasses down there and went to search for them. Good Luck Mandy!
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Kim Kardashian gave a homeless man $20 outside the Gucci store yesterday. This would’ve been a nice humanitarian moment if, after the cameras were off, Kim didn’t smother the man to death with her monster rack and take back the $20. The dude didn’t mind though. He was going to drive his wheelchair onto the freeway anyway and prove the government’s listening to our cereal. Rest in peace, Joe “Sugar Smacks” Tate. You died a hero’s death.
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The Britney Spears’ pregnancy rumors continue. Earlier in the week it was Star, now it’s Life & Style. No doubt the two have formed an alliance to grip the country in fear. An eyewitness for Life & Style claims Britney looks “totally pregnant.” (Direct quote. I shit you not.) However, if Britney isn’t pregnant it’s not for lack of trying with Adnan Ghalib:
“Britney’s still having sex with him,” an insider tells Life & Style. And Jamie, who has moved in with Britney to oversee her recovery, “can’t stand it,” says the insider. “He hates when Adnan comes over and the two of them disappear for a few hours. He knows they’re having sex. But Adnan makes Britney happy.”
Feel free to scope out the pics of the Brit-belly from last night. Does she like pregnant? I dunno. However I included some shots of Britney earlier in the day hauling around her daily giant Frappucino which is probably the cause of all this speculation. I don’t see why all these magazines want her to be pregnant anyway. It’s kind of sick really. That’s like hoping Michael Jackson is allowed to start his own day care. I mean, yeah, it’ll be adorable at first. But sooner or later somebody’s kid is getting run over by a giraffe. Which will suck after a rough night of Jesus Juice. In the meantime, Sean and Jayden can only dream of such a paradise.
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Hugh Hefner wants the Olsen twins to pose nude for Playboy. Looking at these pictures from God knows when, (Are those two ever together anymore?) I’m now thoroughly convinced that old Hugh is blind as hell. Star has the details:
After striking out when the twins turned 18, Hugh tried again, hoping they would pose for Playboy’s June issue to mark their 22nd birthday.
“Hef thinks the twins are every young man’s fantasy,” an insider tells Star.
Yes, the Olsen twins really are every young man’s fantasy. You’ve truly got your finger on the pulse of today’s youth, Hugh Hefner. There’s nothing my generation wants to do more than open up an issue of Playboy and immediately want to masturbate with a cheese grater. I mean, seriously? Who spilled the beans?
Thanks to Paul for the tip who, thankfully, doesn’t have a wombat twin.
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I like to think this is exactly what Gabrielle Union would look like if I got on top of her to sling my ropes. Except she wouldn’t have that content smile on her face. Despite a media brainwashing to the contrary, experience has taught me that the female orgasm is only a myth.
(note: in two of these - here and here - it appears she’s belong attacked by a seagull, yet they still made it into the general release of pictures. what the hell was going on in the ones they held back? did she put her suit on backwards and take a dump in the sand? was there a murder in the background? someone seriously needs to go back to Picture Releasing School)
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I think we're close enough now for me to admit this trailer gives me a raging hard on. It's got fighting robots and flying robots and guns and explosions. All it needs is some hot girls with big boobs in bikinis and it will be like they filmed the cover of my 5th grade notebook, only minus me declaring TLA for Tiffani Mellili and her telling me I'm gr8.
(click the WIDESCREEN tab in the lower right corner to get rid of that annoying sidebar)
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Hollywood actors campaigning for a Democrat? This ad is one in a million!
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Federal agents have cleared two doctors from Los Angeles and Houston as the sources of the OxyContin and Vicodin found in the bloodstream of Heath Ledger when he overdosed and died on January 23rd. The New York Post says:
The Drug Enforcement Agency questioned the medics and found that both of them had met with the "Brokeback Mountain" star and prescribed him other medications, but they are not the source of the two powerful drugs taken by Ledger, 28, who was found dead on Jan. 22.
I don't know why that's a big deal but the Post has a flashing red light above the story. That means it's important. Or it has hot donuts. Mmmmm…
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