Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears’ uncle William Spears is all about airing the family’s dirty laundry. Apparently Jamie Lynn herself was an accident just like the child in her belly that may or may not be Casey Aldridge’s. Jamie Spears had a vasectomy after Britney was born, but yet somehow Lynne ended up pregnant. The Sun reports:

He said: “Jamie got awfully mad. He said it couldn’t be his.” Williams alleges Jamie demanded a DNA test, that eventually proved he was the baby’s biological father.
He added: “That’s why they named her Jamie Lynn, to kind of make the point that she was from both of them.”

Ha! What an amazing way to name your child. I can just imagine how that conversation went with Jamie Lynn: Daddy, where did my name come from? Well, you see, sweetie, Daddy only wanted two kids so he had his balls snipped. See the scar? Well, since God is a sick bastard, somehow your mommy got knocked up. Now I’ve always suspected she’s a cheap whore and didn’t believe it was mine. But stupid science proved me wrong, so we decided, shit, we’re stuck with you, why not pick a name that reminds us of how much I distrust that fucking shrew of a woman and wish she’d die in her sleep. The end. Sleep tight, my little princess. Smooches!

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Matt Drudge broke the news that Prince Harry was currently serving in Afghanistan. Prince Harry was really stoked to be fighting terrorists and thought it would honor his mom’s memory. Well, now he’s getting brought home because of the media coverage. I’m sure Prince Harry can’t wait to thank Matt Drudge with a grenade to the nuts. The AP reports:

He was originally due to return to Britain within weeks, but “the situation has now clearly changed,” the statement said. The decision was based on concerns that worldwide media coverage of Harry in Afghanistan could put him and his comrades at increased risk.
The ministry asked the media not to speculate on Harry’s location — or how and when he would return — until he was back in Britain.

I’m not even going to get political because this site is all about boobs and my wang firing laser beams. *ZAP* Take that, empty soda can on Frank the intern’s head! Anyway, I think it’s pretty cool that a celebrity wanted to actually put his life on the line and be a soldier. I’d like to see more of them take that initiative. In fact, the government should form a special platoon consisting of Criss Angel, Ashton Kutcher, Milo Ventimiglia (Don’t worry. I’ll keep an eye on Hayden.), Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Their mission: I could care less as long they test land mines with their faces. Watch out, Al Qaeda, the Dipshit Brigade is on the prowl!

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The DEA has ended their investigation of two doctors in the Heath Ledger case. The doctors supposedly prescribed Heath the pain medication that resulted in his death, but federal agents are clearing them of any wrongdoing, according to the New York Post:

The Drug Enforcement Agency questioned the medics and found that both of them had met with the “Brokeback Mountain” star and prescribed him other medications, but they are not the source of the two powerful drugs taken by Ledger, 28, who was found dead on Jan. 22.

So Heath Ledger got his medication from God knows where and unfortunately took too much. Tragic stuff, for sure, but I think the press has milked all they can out of this story. Unfortunately, however and still using the cow metaphor, Britney Spears’ milk bladder of news is not only dragging on the ground it’s hanging over the fence and spraying the neighboring farm. Which would be awesome if Old Man Jenkins wasn’t lactose intolerant. That poor metaphorical bastard.

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5 of these pictures show Janet Jackson at a signing for her new CD "Discipline" at the Virgin Megastore in Hollywood yesterday.  But I've secretly snuck in an unrelated picture.  Can you guess which one is the fake?  I don't wanna say which one yet because it will ruin the surprise.  

(picture source = bauer griffin)

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Nicky Hilton.  I was gonna do this elaborate guessing game thing where we make fun of this bony bitch and the answer was Nicky Hilton.  But then I realized what I was doing and stopped.  Because fuck her.  She doesn't even do anything.  So I'm glad to see she's supper skinny.  Hopefully she has an eating disorder.  I also hope some big mean dog chases her and then bites her and gives her something.  Wait, did I say "bites"?  I meant to say "mounts".  Did I mention, fuck her?

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The pros and cons on Lindsay Lohan appearing as Marilyn Monroe for New York mag continue apace. The publication has all but imploded. Their Web site collapsed under constant hits!

Now we hear Lindsay is tempted to continue her nude homage to MM. Playboy's Hugh Hefner has offered the young star the chance to re-create Marilyn's famed nude swim from the unfinished film "Something's Got To Give."

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Nicole Richie just can’t get any hotter! (Prior statement does not include physical appearance.) She’s been offered the lead role of Roxie Hart in the Broadway production of Chicago. A source for Us Weekly, who is either Nicole’s publicist or escaped from a mental ward, had the following to say:

“It is in the super early stages of discussions and no decision has been made yet. It would give her a reason to really show her talent and to stay in the new place in NY Joel just got,” the source says. “It also shows people are really excited about Nicole right now.”

Yes, America just couldn’t be more captivated with our newest sweetheart. Step aside, Lady Liberty. You’re yesterday’s news. The nation is truly abuzz with this emaciated waif who coked off all her baby weight within a week and flew on the slightest of wind into our hearts. The ole U.S. of A. salutes you, Nicole. Keep on snorting for the boys overseas! God bless and Stars and Stripes forever!

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Paris Hilton poses topless for the latest issue of 944 Magazine. I can’t tell if she’s trying to be sexy in these pictures, or really has to go to the bathroom. It’s like “Ooh, yeah, I’m Paris Hilton and I’ve got to piss like a race horse. Isn’t that hot?” I dunno, I guess - sort of. But you know what’s really hot? Drinking anti-freeze. I mean, wow, e to the rotic. And, hey, I’ve got some right here. You go first, sexy girl. Mmm, yum yum!

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Lindsay Lohan hit the bars in West Hollywood last night, and when asked for a comment, she said, "hey baby, you boys wanna party?"

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If you don't now who Nadine Coyle is, your life isn’t as happy as it could be.  She's one of the three hot pieces in the Brit girl band Girls Aloud.  I have no idea if she can sing, she might not even have a tongue for all I know, but I do know she's hot and has charmingly bad taste in boyfriends.  She dated Jesse Metcalfe for the longest time, and now the Daily Mail says…

Meanwhile Cheryl's fellow Girls Aloud member Nadine Coyle is still in LA. The 22-year-old missed the Brits, claiming she had lost her passport.  But it has been rumoured that there might be a more romantic reason behind the snub. She is now reportedly dating Hollywood actor Josh Hartnett.

Between his squinty eyes and creepy thin mouth, Josh Hartnett looks like an equals sign come to life, so I have no idea how he’s managed to run through so much championship level kitty, all I know is I think I have a real shot to get on Nadine.  I'm at least as interesting as those two dorks, meaning I’m at least as interesting as a piece of wood.  

(and yes, this was all just a poorly thought out and executed excuse to post a pictures of Nadine Coyle in a bikini, because there aren’t many.  Full size here.  The rest are her performing at T4 on the Beach, whatever the fuck that is)

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