Tyra Banks outdid herself when it comes to insane proclamations on last nights "Americas Top Model" when she prepared the girls for a shoot as homeless urchins by saying she knows what it's like to be homeless because she pretended to be homeless one day as a bit for her talk show. You really need to have seen that episode to appreciate the insanity of that statement. There are a bunch of clips after the jump, but look for these highlights:

1) It's at least 75 degrees outside, as everyone else is wearing shorts and sleeveless shirts, yet Tyra has on flannel shirts and a hoodie and some very expensive Wolverine boots and those fingerless gloves like you see bums wearing on the Simpson’s.  They don’t show her warming her hands over a barrel fire and chasing a chicken, but only because that might have looked racist. 
Homeless Ranking: 1 out of 10.  She looks homeless like the mascot for Notre Dame looks Irish.  It would be like asking a sexy nurse in a strip club how long you have to live. 

2)  She says she "gets lucky" and finally finds a public bathroom where she can clean up, explaining that this is how real homeless people bathe.  Please note the very nice gold trimmed mirror and the unlocked inventory of Coke and Snapple all around her.  Either that’s a magic bathroom that makes Snapple and the manger hasn’t yet discovered this enchanted inventory-supplying toilet, or it's not really a public bathroom homeless people would be allowed to use like a fountain.  Then Tyra cries at the misery of the human condition she’s witnessing first hand.  It's true … there was no Diet Peach Snapple.
Homeless Ranking: -3 out of 10.  She loses points for not chewing half a cigar and not having all of her possessions in a red bandana on a stick.

3) She talks to two kids on the street by introducing herself as Tyra, which is unnecessary as they clearly recognize her.  Because it's Tyra Banks.  And not Tyra Banks in no makeup, but Tyra Banks in professionally applied homeless makeup.  One of the two kids points out a crack pipe and says it must be on the ground because whoever was using it got scared by Tyras camera crew. 
Homeless Ranking - this number hasn’t been invented yet out of 10.

Comments Off

Hayden Panettiere poses provocatively for the new Candies ad campaign and if that’s not news, I don’t know what is. I also included shots of Hayden looking chesty while apartment shopping with her mom yesterday. Okay, maybe Hayden’s not really news, but it’s seriously, no jokes, my birthday today so humor me. And if you’re really nice, I’ll let you have some of the cake I made. Which may or may not be a bottle of Jack Daniels covered in frosting. (Hint: It is.)

Comments Off

Hayden Panettiere poses provocatively for the new Candies ad campaign and if that’s not news, I don’t know what is. I also included shots of Hayden looking chesty while apartment shopping with her mom yesterday. Okay, maybe Hayden’s not really news, but it’s seriously, no jokes, my birthday today so humor me. And if you’re really nice, I’ll let you have some of the cake I made. Which may or may not be a bottle of Jack Daniels covered in frosting. (Hint: It is.)

Comments Off

Apparently Orlando Bloom subscribes to the Britney Spears’ School of Hygiene because his girlfriend Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr (above) wants him to quit being such a filthy bastard, according to Star:

“Miranda thinks Orlando is too smelly. Recently, she asked him if he could wash his clothes and perhaps shower more often.”
When he’s not working on a film, the Pirates of the Caribbean star, 31, “goes days without washing his clothes,” adds the source. “He’ll wear the same jeans for a week before he throws them in the washer. Same goes for his sweaters, T-shirts and socks.”
It doesn’t help that he sleeps with his dog, Sidi, and lets her slobber all over him.

If a Victoria’s Secret model told me to take a shower in order to learn her secret (which better not be a penis this time), I’d be scrubbing down like there was no tomorrow. Mostly because I wake up every morning and roll around in the mud with my pet pig Hewey. I named him after my favorite singer: Jennifer Love Hewitt. But not because she’s fat. I just respect her as an artist - who loves bacon.

Comments Off

Despite wearing what appears to be a wedding or engagement ring on her finger for some time snow, Ashlee Simpson told Fuse TV yesterday that she is not engaged to boyfriend Pete Wentz and is very definitely not pregnant. So what's with the ring?  Us magazine says:

…she confirmed it's a promise ring from her Fall Out Boy beau Pete Wentz.
"It just means that he hasn't asked my dad yet…" she explained on Fuse TV's The Sauce while promoting her upcoming album Bittersweet World.
Simpson also set the record straight on another issue: "No, I'm not pregnant," she declared.

So, see, there's no need to worry.  Their well deserved reputation as the worlds most boring famous couple is still in tact.  They could be out to dinner and order mashed potatoes, no, wait, french fries, yes french fries, and it would be the most intensely exciting thing they've ever done.  My heart is in my throat just thinking about it.  I think I need to walk around for a while with my hands over my head.  These two are a real roller coaster.

Comments Off

Jessica Simpson is set to perform for the troops in Kuwait on March 10. She’s taking a break from her country album to make the trip according to the following message on her fansite:

“Hey ya’ll. I just wanted to say hi, and let you know that I am hard at work on my country record, and I can’t wait to share it will all of you. I am heading to Kuwait to do a show for the troops, then back in the studio. I love you all and am so blessed by the support and love you show me everyday!! xoxo jess”

While I’m happy to see Jessica Simpson doing something nice for our men and women in uniform, I hope to God she gets topless because otherwise that’s just a slap in the face to these brave individuals. I mean, they’re out there on the front lines catching shrapnel in the anus and, if that happened to me, I’d feel entitled to some boob. If, however, she plans to perform fully clothed, I just have one question for Jessica Simpson: Why do you hate America so much?

Comments Off

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are supposedly rekindling their relationship. This can not end well. Too soon? Nah, just right. Here’s what Us Weekly has to say:

Now that Wilson, 39, is healthy again – he presented an award at Sunday’s Academy Awards – he and Hudson may be rebuilding their romance, Us Weekly reports.
“They are hooking up,” a Wilson insider told Us. Confirms a Hudson source, “They have definitely been talking, hanging out and, yes, hooking up.”

However, just last week I posted that Kate and Justin Timberlake were getting no-pants friendly which Us Weekly also mentions in their article. So, I guess I can just start writing daily posts with the generic headline “Kate Hudson bangs someone new.” Chances are it’ll be true. And at the rate she’s going, Kate Hudson will be doing chicks by spring. Then it will be my sacred journalistic duty to find every single pic of those hookups. I can almost taste that Pulitzer. No, wait, it’s the breakfast burrito I just ate. Extra onions was a bad choice. Hey, Frank the intern, come over and smell my breath. *breathes* Ha ha! Frank? Frank, wake up. Not again- Medic!

Comments Off

While Britney Spears’ insanity was determined not to be a federal case, Heath Ledger’s death is getting the federal treatment. Two doctors are currently being scrutinized by federal drug investigators, according to NY Daily News:

The doctors - one in California, one in Texas - are believed to have supplied the “Brokeback Mountain” star with the powerful painkillers Oxycontin and Vicodin, law enforcement sources said. Authorities want to know if the drugs were prescribed illegally. “It’s an ongoing investigation,” a law enforcement source told The News Tuesday. “It’s not clear if there was any wrongdoing.”

Somehow I hope Sam Lutfi is blamed for this. And also Pete Wentz. Then they have to share a jail cell in Guantanamo Bay with a Heath Ledger fan named RazorCock McButtLover. Dear Jesus, if you’re up there, please make this happen. I’ll be a good boy for the rest of the year, I promise. I’ll eat all my vegetables and go to church. Though I can’t promise not to bring my Gameboy because, Christ, that shit is boring. Amen.

Comments Off

The LAPD officially announced that they are looking into the allegations that “someone” drugged Britney Spears. They haven’t launched a formal investigation yet, but I hear they want to prevent future drive-by vadge-ings so the chances look good. The AP reports:

Police Capt. Kyle Jackon said in a statement Wednesday that the allegations “are being considered” by the Robbery-Homicide unit to determine if laws have been violated. Jackson says no suspect has been identified.

And by “no suspect” they of course mean “we totally know who it is.” Even Patches the Blind Crime Dog knows it was Sam Lutfi. Ask him who drugged Britney Spears and he’ll say “Ruff!” which everyone knows is dog-talk for “Asshat Supreme.” Then Patches will rub his nose signifying he’s not going to rest until he bites some Middle Eastern nut-sack. I swear that Pooch is practically Robocop but with surprisingly less leg-humping.

Comments Off

There hasn’t been anything on here about Britney in a few days, but hey guess what, she's still an impossible-to-define moron.  The always great Gatecrasher column says:

She flummoxed staff at the Betsey Johnson on Melrose Ave. this month by turning up with a Dolce & Gabbana dress she wanted the store to copy - in all white - to be ready by that evening.
According to a witness, "the staff explained that they didn't have a dressmaker on call who could do it in time." Never mind that the frock she wanted copied wasn't even their label.
"The only thing she wanted to buy in the store was the yellow wig on a mannequin in the window," laughs the source. "The manager eventually agreed to offer it to her for $100."

The manager fucked up.  She should have said the wig cost 10 hundred.  Or said "it cost this much", then show her a drawing of a duck.  Britney has no idea what the hell is going on in the world so she would have just nodded and handed over a black AmEx.  Then the manager could hit 9 and then 0's until the keypad broke.  And if Britney’s accountant ever questioned it, Britney would say, "I was lead to believe it was on sale for duck.  I thought that meant free.  I wuz under the impression ducks were free."

Comments Off