if you're a guy, and you think Madonna is attractive, congratulations.  You just came out of the closet.

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I don't know what this newspaper is because it's written in some kind of demon language, but KalousekV was sexy enough to send it over and treat us all to a picture of Paris Hilton falling on her fat stupid face and then wincing in pain.  She eats it so completely it doesn't even look like she fell.  it looks like she just appeared there somehow, like she teleported there.  Based on my award winning knowledge of science, it would appear she fell over because her diseased womb is slowly killing her.  For real.  Just do the math, man.

AWESOME UPDATE - now with 3 times the floor eating action!

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Rihanna and Ashlee Simpson shared the red carpet for a few minutes last night at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, and both of them look they landed here on a spaceship.  I don’t like to say anything bad about black people because it makes me look even more racist than normal, but some might say Rihanna wears too much makeup.  It looks like someone wanted to teach her a lesson so they shoved her face into a counter that happened to have all her makeup on it.  She barely even looks real.  It's like a sexy Shrek.

(EDITORS NOTE - Andy Warhol used to get paid appearance fees to show up at bars and parties and stuff, but he thought that kind of thing was dumb so he had someone wear a white wig and makeup and pretend to be him.  It wasn’t hard because all he ever did at parties was stand in the corner by himself and not talk to anyone.  That story isn’t relevant to anything but I saw Rihannas giant hands and I thought it might be a guy pretending to be Rihanna and so I remembered it.  Fascinating, huh?)

(EDITORS NOTE 2 - If you’re using Word on a Mac, and you type "spaceship" wrong, why the hell would spell check recommend "spacechip"?  Spacechip?  SPACECHIP!?!?  Fuck you Bill Gates.)

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Because you demanded it (pervert) here are more pictures of George Clooneys new girlfriend Sarah Larson, before she got famous overnight.  This whole relationship is starting to look more and more like "Pretty Woman".

EDITORS NOTE - I wanna see this chicks boobs so bad.  I bet they're awesome.

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Dearest Jan-Jan,

Before we begin, I’d like to commend you on your efforts entertaining our troops during the Second World War. At the ripe young age of 40, you gave our boys something to live for as they fought to stop Hitler from finding Jesus’ cup in that tomb with the knight who was like super old. Anyway, those glory days are long gone. When you reach the triple digits, it’s time to retire the bikini. How do I put this delicately? Your ass looks like E.T.’s stomach - but more Play-Doh-y. So Play-Doh-y, in fact, that I’m about ready to bust out my Spaghetti Factory. I like to make the stars!

Godspeed,

The Superficial Writer

NOTE: Not sure what this is, but I’m convinced it’s our duty as a society to kill it.

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Cameron Diaz made an appearance at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards last night, and she looked amazing.  She's so sexy.  No, I mean it.  If she got some implants, she could totally model for Hustler, maybe even Wal Mart.  We're so lucky to live in a time where we can witness her beauty.  And if you don't believe me you can just ask her.  Or ask her again.  Cameron Diaz and I agree, Cameron Diaz is amazing!

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Paris Hilton busted up her chin over the weekend as she was leaving a music store in Prague. She was fleeing the paparazzi when she tripped over a step and landed face first into the ground. Being the heroic knight that he is, Paris’ boyfriend Benji Madden failed to help Paris to her feet and instead stepped over her. Although after realizing she was actually hurt, he did eventually turn back around to help her. Which I guess is actually pretty impressive, because if I saw Paris Hilton lying face first on the floor I’m pretty sure my first instinct would be to kick her. Well that, or bring both my hands to my face in shock that she wasn’t naked and covered in used condoms. Haha, just kidding. Paris Hilton? Condoms? It’s like I’m writing a fantasy novel.

A video of Benji pleading with the paparazzi to leave Paris alone after the jump.

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Dearest Jan-Jan,

Before we begin, I’d like to commend you on your efforts entertaining our troops during the Second World War. At the ripe young age of 40, you gave our boys something to live for as they fought to stop Hitler from finding Jesus’ cup in that tomb with the knight who was like super old. Anyway, those glory days are long gone. When you reach the triple digits, it’s time to retire the bikini. How do I put this delicately? Your ass looks like E.T.’s stomach - but more Play-Doh-y. So Play-Doh-y, in fact, that I’m about ready to bust out my Spaghetti Factory. I like to make the stars!

Godspeed,

The Superficial Writer

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Dina Lohan started filming her new reality show Living Lohan and would have us believe her daily schedule consists of interrupting dance classes in the middle of Harlem. Riight. She, of course, does this while towing around her 14-year-old daughter Ali and her grandmother - allegedly. Poor woman probably was taken from a nursing home screaming “The orange devil’s got me!” Which isn’t far off considering Dina’s days really involve eating infants then beating up homeless guys for change.

Thanks to Ashley who would provide a safe and fire-crotch-free home for Grandma Lohan. In exchange for snickerdoodles.

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I don't get why Bruno can't show me some sexy moves without people videotaping it and plastering it all over the internet.

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