Paris Hilton and her super cool boyfriend Benji “I buy my rock and roll clothes at the mall” Madden were in Berlin this weekend, and Paris reportedly ate the ground while running away from the paparazzi.  There’s no video of it but the picture above is on a bunch of her fan sites.  It’s as close as we get to seeing it.  The paparazzi need to step it up.  This is why they're there.  Embarrassing shit like this.  Fake it if you have too.  Knock that bitch out and have her wake up the next day in a tub of ice and a note taped to her chest, telling her if she wants her liver back she has to walk around naked making beep beep boop robot noises and walking real stiff.  Or something. 

(Video of Benjis heart felt plea to the pap's after Paris fell down here.  Warning - it's touching, and may bring you to tears.)

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I can understand how Benji Madden managed to score Paris Hilton. I’m not going to get into specifics but, it’s because she has herpes. So how in the hell did he score a woman like Sophie Monk? She’s looking pretty damn hot while shopping in LA over the weekend. Maybe Sophie was on a year long drinking binge while she was with Benji, I dunno. But if she ever wants to fall off the wagon, holla at your boy. I’ll bring the homemade booze. What’s your preference, baby? Pine-Sol Colada or Lemon Fresh Pledge-arita?

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Surprise! Heath Ledger might have fathered a love child. His uncle broke the news to The Daily Telegraph which will undoubtedly make the estate bickering even more of a fucking fiasco:

Ledger was a 17-year-old schoolboy when he had an affair with an older woman who is thought to have only discovered she was pregnant after their relationship ended. The woman was living with another man at the time of the alleged affair.
Yesterday, Ledger’s uncle, Hadyn Ledger said: “There is a very real possibility that Heath was the father.”

Man, I wish I had a love child. A new one, that is. I’m getting kind of bored with the 203* I currently have. Also none of them refuse to engage me in armed combat. I even taped daggers to their bottles but, still, no dice. Wait. Can a three-year-old shoot a crossbow? Nah, the flaming arrow would throw off his aim. Or would it…

*Give or take 203.

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Kim Kardashian and her rag-tag bunch of family members stopped by Larry King Live on Friday. After getting peppered by Barbara Walters about her sex tape, Kim was ready for another awkward discussion about her nudity with the surprisingly alive. This time Larry brought up the topic of her shoot for Playboy. Kim said a bunch of words about something or rather, I dunno. I was too busy staring at the video of her getting ready for the shoot. Then things kind of went black for a while. I blame the fall into the next cubicle when I tried to mount my monitor. I should invest in some handlebars. I mean, I can’t keep doing this 10-30 times a day - before lunch.

Thanks to Lindsey who isn’t afraid to say Larry’s suspenders are sexy. Hell yeah!

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Because you demanded it (pervert) here are more pictures of George Clooneys new girlfriend Sarah Larson, before she got famous overnight.  This story is starting to look more and more like "Pretty Woman".

EDITORS NOTE - I wanna see this chicks boobs so bad.  I bet they're awesome.

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Cameron Diaz made an appearance at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards last night, and she looked amazing.  She's so sexy.  No, I mean it.  If she got some implants, she could totally model for Hustler, maybe even Wal Mart.  We're so lucky to live in a time where we can witness her beauty.  And if you don't believe me you can just ask her.  Or ask her again.  Cameron Diaz and I agree, Cameron Diaz is amazing!

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Kevin Federline still has feelings for his vagina-flashing ex-wife Britney Spears. Could there be a reunion in the works? And, God help us all, another offspring down the line? Showbiz Spy reports:

“I still love Britney. She’s the mother of my children,” Federline, 30, said.
And Jamie Spears — Britney’s dad — is even reportedly encouraging the pair to reunite.

Ack! Britney’s dad is trying to make this happen?! WTGDF?! Seriously, if these two get back together you know she’s popping out another kid then going off the deep end. And I was really starting to like how things are now. You know, where I hardly ever see her face anymore. Do you know how hard it is to constantly type Frappucino? I had to hire midgets to move my fingers. True story.

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Rikki Rockett, drummer for Poison, was arrested on rape charges for an incident that occurred in September at the Silver Star Casino in Mississippi. Rikki is out of jail and awaiting a district attorney’s decision to see if the case will go before a grand jury. The AP reports:

“The subject, Rikki Rockett, forcibly had sex with an adult in one of the hotel rooms,” according to a complaint.
Sciple said the woman contacted authorities several days after the alleged attack. He did not discuss details of the case, but said his office believed the woman’s complaint warranted review by the district attorney.

Did Rikki do it? Oh yeah. I mean, look at the guy. Not exactly a pussy magnet. Also he’s the drummer for Poison. He’d have better luck saying he still lives with his parents. It works for me. Okay, not really but, one day it will. As soon as my mom stops making me wear my retainer to the bar. I got a beer can stuck in it the other day for crying out loud. The ladies don’t want to make out with a face full of Beast Ice. No matter how much chapstick you cover it up with. (Read: two tubes.)

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Ashley Alexandra Dupre’s business is booming. But this time not in her pantalones. Donald Trump has made an offer to Ashley for her to appear on a new untitled reality show set to air on MTV, according to People:

Based on a British show called Ladette to Lady, the show will take a group of 15 hard-partying young women and send them off to a boarding school environment where they’ll learn to become more ladylike.
“She’s the perfect candidate,” the show insider says of Dupré, the 22-year-old at the center of the Gov. Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal. The show has not yet heard back from Dupré with any reaction to the offer.

Only in America can a hooker that caused the demise of a powerful political figure become a reality TV star. Somewhere in the afterlife, Ben Franklin is plowing a chick in a Viking helmet with tears in his eyes. Our little country is everything he dreamed it could be - which almost makes up for the lack of gravy in heaven. They don’t tell you that part in the Bible. Jerks.

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Hulk Hogans new girlfriend looks almost exactly like his daughter Brooke.  Here they are at the airport, making Hitler beam with pride as his vision comes to life.

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