Kim Kardashian and her sister Khloe continued their Amazonian assault on fashion by stopping by the Jimmy Choo Launch Event today in Australia. Hopefully these photos will restore your eyesight after the Amy Winehouse post. My peepers healed so much I actually grew a third one. No, wait, that’s a zit. I really need to stop cleaning my face with a Whopper. Holy shit, I think it blinked. Somebody tell The Geekologie Writer to meet me in the bathroom. STAT! Oh, and also tell him I don’t need the Hooker Disintegration Ray this time. But keep it primed and set on “Whoops! Forgot you were in the trunk.”

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Welcome to another exciting edition of “Amy Winehouse’s Batshit Front Door Theater.” In this installment, Amy shows off her new love bite. She claims it’s a gift from her incarcerated husband Blake during this morning’s visit. Unfortunately, Amy was never taught the difference between a hickey and an attempted stab wound from a prison shank. But sometimes you just gotta let a girl have her moment - until she passes out from infection.

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Here are some pictures from yesterday of Halle Berry, and as you can tell, something about her has changed since she had a baby.  That’s right.  New glasses.  Here’s a close up of the glasses.  I think they might be Panama Jacks.  As I understand it, most of todays top stars wear Panama Jacks.

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Jennifer Anistons vagina must be magic because she’s annoying as hell yet people keep dating her.  The latest to get lost in her dead lifeless eyes is Jon Mayer. In Touch says…

Although they've kept their relationship quiet, In Touch has learned that John Mayer is crazy about Jennifer Aniston. He flew to Miami on April 23 and checked into the Four Seasons hotel, but insiders say that he spent virtually no time there during his visit — opting instead to hang out in the $3,000-a-night presidential suite at the Mandarin Oriental, where Jen has been staying while shooting the movie Marley & Me. And the two were inseparable over the long weekend. When asked how he was doing, after spending four days with his new love, John smiled. "My weekend was good," he told In Touch exclusively.

Jon Mayer isn’t that great or anything but this still makes no sense.  Jennifer Anistons family must be in the Illuminati because there’s no way her fug ass should ever have made it in Hollywood.

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Tyra Banks celebrates her 500th episode of The Tyra Banks Show today. She stopped by The View (video after the jump) to announce that Mayor Bloomberg has officially proclaimed today “The Tyra Banks Show Day.” Sadly, it’s not a national holiday and I should probably stop downing this champagne. But it’s so bubbly! Anyway, while on The View, Tyra weighed in (Pun intended.) on the Miley Cyrus debacle:

“She is a 15-year-old, and I just wish everybody would leave her alone! It was just a little sexy.”

Wow. Tyra Banks on The View discussing Miley Cyrus. It’s almost like the producers over there want to beat us senseless with excitement. I’m pretty sure I have a black eye. No, wait, that’s when I popped the cork on this champagne. *chugs* I like it when it tickles my nose who wants to go to the strip club and then we’ll nachos with the car drive I’m okay. CAPTAIN KIRK!

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Ashley Dupre is currently suing Joe Francis for $10 million claiming she was tricked into filming for Girls Gone Wild. Being the saint that he is, and I wholeheartedly mean that, Joe put his $1 million offer back on the table for Ashley. All she has to do is tour with Girls Gone Wild and help promote their new magazine, according to NY Daily News:

“She should keep in mind it’s considerably more than the governor of New York paid her, and our activities aren’t illegal,” Joe Francis said.
He said Ashley Alexandra Dupré has “zero” chance of winning her lawsuit, adding that yesterday’s offer was not a ploy to get her to drop the suit.

To back up his claims that Ashley’s lawsuit is a lost cause, Joe Francis released a video today that shows her on camera giving her consent to Girls Gone Wild and was not “tricked,” as she claims:

In a video released Tuesday by Francis, Dupré appears covered by a terrycloth towel and gives her name as Amber Arpaio. An unseen questioner asks if she is 18.
“Yes, I am,” she says.
“Do you know what ‘Girls Gone Wild’ is?” the questioner asks.
“Yes, I do,” she replies with a laugh.
“Can I use this on ‘Girls Gone Wild’?” she is asked.
“Of course you can,” she answers.

Seriously, if I were Ashley Dupre I’d take Joe Francis’ offer. There’s not a lot of work out there for high-profile prostitute. I mean, except for high-profile prostituting. Which I hear is a decent living. She should really look into that. Maybe scope out the benefits package and see what kind of advancement opportunities they provide. Remember, kids, an informed employee is a good employee. And that’s one to grow on!

Thanks to James who thinks hookers deserve 401k’s too. He’s good people.

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David Blaine broke the Guiness World Record today for holding one’s breath. David held his breath underwater for 17 minutes 4 seconds. That’s pretty amazing considering one time I got water up my nose in the shower and fled my house in terror. Probably should’ve grabbed a towel first…. The AP reports:

The feat was broadcast live during “The Oprah Winfrey Show” and the studio audience cheered as divers pulled the 35-year-old magician from a water-filled sphere.
Blaine looked relaxed afterward and said the record was “a lifelong dream.”
Before he entered the sphere, Blaine inhaled pure oxygen through a mask to saturate his blood with oxygen and flush out carbon dioxide.

Unfortunately, David’s moment in the sun is about to be cut short. THIS JUST IN: Criss Angel has broken the record for most jewelry worn by one person. Moment’s ago, he stepped into a bar wearing the entire Claire’s charm bracelet collection. When asked to comment, Criss Angel responded by falling over in a crash of sparkly pandas and peace signs. He would later cough up a ruby-crusted family of unicorns before asking a woman for her number. SHAZAM!

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People Magazines 100 Most Beautiful People for 2008 was released today, and the fact that Christina Applegate and Rumor Willis are among those named is exactly why people should ignore idiot nonsense like People Magazines 100 Most Beautiful People.  The mutt in the picture above wouldn’t make my list of 100 Most Beautiful Christina Applegate’s.  The People website has a picture of her and she looks great, but of course they have a GD picture where she looks great.  It’s Hollywood.  They pound her with makeup and extensions and perfect lighting and professionals and take a hundred thousand pictures and then use one.  You could make my nuts look like Abraham Lincoln if you did that all that.  So see, Christina Applegate and my nuts have more in common than you may have thought.

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This is a picture of Amy Smart on the set of "Crank 2".  I don't know what that movie is about, but I think a good movie would be one where people remove tape and then throw it away. They should make a movie about that.

(note - better quality and more should be on the way.  gimmie a minute)

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Lauren Conrad’s ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler is denying that a sex tape of Lauren exists. Heidi and Spencer were on The Tyra Banks Show yesterday and claimed the rumors about the tape are absolutely true. Heidi even claimed that Jason was trying to sell it. Us Magazine reports:

“I do not have a sex tape of Lauren Conrad and one does not exist,” Wahler tells Usmagazine.com in a statement. “Spencer Pratt is lying again to get attention.
“Lauren is my friend,” Wahler continues, “and it is insulting to her to suggest this.”
On Tuesday’s Tyra Banks Show, Pratt declared, “I know for 100 percent fact it did exist – 1000%!”

Okay, there’s an easy way to sort this out: Let’s put all four of these jokers in a room and toss a grenade in. Whoever survives is, obviously, the liar - and gets fed to a shark. Damn, I should negotiate peace treaties. Someone book me a flight to the Middle East. And don’t forget my shark.

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