Angelina Jolie is on the cover of Vanity Fair this month, and inside they have an interview with her where she shares her "innermost feelings about life, love, marriage, and career."  And in Angelinas spirit of full disclosure, I have an innermost feeling I would like to share: when your penis punches the bottom of your desk at 60mph, it tends to ache quite a bit.

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I’ve been trying for like 20 hours to find a decent copy of Prince at Coachella doing a cover of "Creep" by Radiohead, but it's impossible because Prince is a temperamental fairy and he told his record label to remove every copy they find, even though he didn’t shoot the video and he very obviously doesn’t own the song. The Huff Post says…

After word spread that Prince covered Radiohead's "Creep" at Coachella, the tens of thousands who couldn't be there ran to YouTube for a peek. Everyone was quickly denied – even Radiohead. In a recent interview, Thom Yorke said he heard about Prince's performance from a text message and thought it was "hilarious." Yorke laughed when his bandmate, guitarist Ed O'Brien, said the blocking had prevented him from seeing Prince's version of their song. "Really? He's blocked it?" asked Yorke, who figured it was their song to block or not. "Surely we should block it. Hang on a moment." Yorke added: "Well, tell him to unblock it. It's our song."

This whole thing does bring up some interesting questions about copyright and digital ownership. The other day a reporter asked me what I thought about new media and whether old copyright laws can still apply. So I asked him about new media and whether old copyright laws can still apply. Two can play this little game.

NOW WITH BETTER VIDEO! 

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These are the latest batch from Heidi Montag’s posed-as-all-hell bikini shoot. I’m actually impressed that her chest balloons didn’t glide her right off the balcony and out to sea. Clearly, this proves there is no God or at the very least he doesn’t hear my prayers. Time for a new tactic: Voodoo. Now that’s some reliable shit. Okay, anyone got a Barbie doll I can borrow/dip in acid? Joker from Batman, you still on here? Call me, son. You know my digits.

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natural beauty (adj.) – 1: The morning light through a bottle of beer. 2: Mila Kunis no matter what the fuck she’s doing. I mean, here she is pumping gas today and now I get aroused whenever someone mentions Exxon. 3: Polar opposite of Heidi Montag.

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A house that’s in the center of a court battle between 50 Cent and Shaniqua Tompkins, the mother of his son Marquise, suspiciously went up in flames early this morning. Shaniqua is saying the fire was attempted murder and she distinctly heard someone in the house before the fire, according to TMZ:

The lawyer for 50 Cent’s baby mama, Shaniqua Tompkins, tells TMZ that she heard “someone” come into the house this morning at 4 AM, shortly before the fire broke out around a hour later.
Paul Catsandonis, Shaniqua’s lawyer, tells us that his client is “traumatized” by the fire and that the kids are similarly in total shock. Six people, including Tompkins and their 10-year-old son Marquise, were in the house. They all were transported to the hospital and treated for smoke inhalation.

The house was allegedly promised to Shaniqua by 50 until he decided to put her and his son Marquise on the street. The AP reports:

Tompkins filed a lawsuit against 50 earlier this year claiming he had promised her a house more than a decade ago, but that since their breakup, he now wants to evict her and their 10-year-old son from the home.
Tompkins’ lawyer, Paul Catsandonis, told The Associated Press in a telephone interview that the dispute over the house had become “extremely, extremely contentious” in recent days. Although he declined to be specific, he said there was an “extremely dangerous incident” Monday in his Manhattan office while taking a deposition for the lawsuit.

And by “extremely dangerous incident,” Shaniqua’s lawyer meant 50 yelled “Bitch, I’ll burn that house down with you in it at exactly 4 A.M. Friday May 30, 2008. But first, you’ll hear someone break in and shit and you’ll be all, ‘Aw no, what’s happenin’?’ And it’ll be me burning down this particular house in the middle of our highly publicized court battle. But ain’t no one’s gonna know it was me! Ha! In da house. 50 out. The fucks’ the elevator. I hate stairs!”

PEABODY AWARD WINNING POST FOR MOST ACCURATE TRANSCRIPTION OF LEGALESE: THE SUPERFICIAL

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These are images of Katie Holmes as she moved to New York City this week to prepare for her role in the Broadway production of All My Sons. And looking into those eyes, I’ve now seen the depths of crazy. Dammit, she used to be hot! Tom Cruise has gone way, way too far. Someone’s gotta do something about this and I’m looking at you, Beckhams. One of you, David, needs to take one for the team while the other, Victoria, spirits Katie to safety. The double meaning of taking “one for the team” goes without saying because it’s butt sex with Tom Cruise.

UPDATE: I just received the following e-mail from Tom Cruise. Presented here in it’s entirety:

Yeah, all that stuff. The team stuff. Make that stuff happen. I’ll pay you in Tom Cruise dollars. When Xenu is defeated in an intergalactic chariot race by yours truly, my money will be worth money! No foolin’.

Heil me!
T.C.

p.s. I’m smiling right now – Tom Cruise style! (That’s T.C. talk for “pants-free.” He he, I’m naughty!)”

My job is so friggin’ weird…

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OK! magazine passes on a rumor today that Angelina Jolie may have already given birth to her twins, and in fact she may have done it almost a week ago.  OK says…

There may be nothing more than wishful thinking to reports coming out of France this morning that Angelina Jolie, who was due to give birth to twins some time in the next three to four weeks, has indeed already delivered her fifth and sixth children.
According to rumors, the Oscar-winner gave birth on Sunday in a Catholic clinic in the Aix-En-Provence region of France. No further details are forthcoming at this moment.

The rumor of course is that she’s having twin girls.  Which would be hot.  Unless it's Siamese twins.  That would be creepy.  Because we're gonna have to look at these kids all the damn time.  She’d be like that dragon in the Godzilla movies, one body with three heads.  And she'd use her powerful gravity beams to destroy our cities.  Won’t someone help us!!!

UPDATE – Entertainment Tonight just sent out an email alert saying, "A source close to Angelina Jolie confirms that Jolie has given birth to twins in France."

UPDATED UPDATE – or not, according to People.  "Angelina has not given birth. She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France," a rep for the actress says. 

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Red band trailers are cool, and so here’s one for the Cohen Brothers new movie, "Burn After Reading", starring The Guy From "Sledgehammer" and co-starring Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Tillda Swinton, Frances McDormand and John Malkovich. We should have more trailers like this. It seems like we used to have a lot. We also used to have lots of movies where divers would get their fin stuck in a giant clamshell. I swear to god when I was a kid half the movies had a scene where a diver got his fin stuck in a giant clamshell. Now it seems like none of them do. Hollywood is really losing its luster.

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While our constant vigil of Kim Kardashian’s buttpad raged on, rumors started spreading that Angelina Jolie birthed her litter today. People has the official word from Angelina’s rep that these rumors are false:

“Angelina has not given birth. She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France,” a rep for the actress tells PEOPLE.

So, in summary, Angelina Jolie did not give birth which means Brad Pitt is, presently, not having sex with her to “kick that baby train into warp speed.” His words, not mine. Okay, you caught me; It was Clooney. Right after I beat him in the Sexiest Man Alive contest. True story.

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Kim Kardashian has taken umbrage with my clearly scientific debate regarding her buttpads. Check out her latest blog entry (NOTE: I took the liberty of un-editing all the a–’s. My replacements in italics.):

OMG! When will people get off my atrium, literally! Haha. I have said it a million times before and I’ll say it again: My booty is as real as the designer items I’m auctioning off on eBay.
The reason I bring this up is because those jokesters at the Superficial claimed that I wear foam panties. NOT TRUE! (And I don’t stuff ‘em with Charmin either).
I think my photo shoots clearly prove I don’t wear butt pads!
To all you non-believers at the Superficial, kiss my REAL and GORGEOUS amphitheater!
XOXO,
Kim

I’ve accepted Kim’s challenge and included the Ralph Lauren photo shoot she presents as proof of her natural assy-ness. Now on to the scrutiny!

Set 1: You’re either making the most valid argument in the history of debate or really have to pee. Analysis: Inconclusive.

Set 2: Do that underwear thing again. I can’t research in these conditions. Analysis: BOO!

Set 3: Ha! Mirrors don’t fool me. You’ve been hanging out with Criss Angel, haven’t you? Bad, Kim Kardashian! Bad! Analysis: Not convinced.

Set 4: Okay, now you’re just sitting on your butt. If you’re not going to take this thing seriously, I’m taking off my pants. Analysis: I need me a gypsy tent.

Set 5: Nipples will only get you everywhere. Analysis: Whatever she says is true.

Set 6: Are you trying to knock down that wall? No, wait, you gotta pee again. Lady, go easy on the Aquafina. Christ. Analysis: What were we talking about again? If it’s boobs, I’m all over it.

DIAGNOSIS: BUTTPAD!
Sorry, Kim, but hey, I’m a reasonable guy. You can invite me over to your house and we’ll make some science. Namely through the time-tested method of my hands/your butt.* But, remember, it’s all for the children. Those sweet, sweet children that I should probably wrangle up. Anyone got a net?

*Tears of joy emitted from The Superficial Writer do not invalidate claims of buttpad’s presence. The Superficial Writer also reserves the right to free said buttpad and use it as a decorative throw pillow in a room of his choosing. Buttpad may also double as a frisbee. Whee!

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