Lindsay Lohan might have a sister she never knew about it. Her father Michael Lohan reveals that he had a brief relationship with a woman while he was separated from Dina. Recently, the woman wrote him a letter that claims he’s the father of her child who’s now 13. While most respectable men like myself would’ve hightailed it to the Yukon, Michael is embracing the notion of a new daughter. And most likely planning his own reality show: “Thank God I Didn’t Wear a Condom Idol.” OK! Magazine reports:

In a statement to OK!, Michael says, “Years later [the woman] contacted me, convincing me that I was the only person she was with and that she had my child.”
In fact, OK! has seen letters Michael wrote to the girl’s mother where he says that his secret daughter “is beginning to look a lot like Linds, with a mix of [younger brother] Cody, believe it or not.” He also sent his daughter a photograph of himself while he was still in Collins Correctional Facility which he signed “Love Daddy.”

Nice, except the AP reports Michael hasn’t even gotten a paternity test yet, but he felt the need to write “Love Daddy” from prison. That’s not gonna fuck a kid up. Then again, look who I’m talking about. This guy’s not really batting a thousand in the fathering department, so we should be happy he hasn’t asked how she’s “developing” - using a scale from one to Lindsay.

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Britney Spears and Kevin Federline met yesterday for a private mediation session in an effort to avoid bringing their custody battle to trial. It didn’t work. But, however, Kevin’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan spoke to E! News and says the talks were productive and both sides left happy. There was no mention of whether that involved giving Britney a Happy Meal:

“The mediation didn’t result in an agreement that would avoid the trial set in August… The mood was comfortable, positive and it was a mood that was consistent with opening at least a great dialogue, which is necessary.
“Kevin has had sole legal custody since January. He wants that to become the permanent order at trial, and the visitation to be consistent with what the court expanded it to this week.”

Of course, my sources tell me that part of the reason the talks failed is because Britney kept demanding “custardy.” “Custardy!” she’d cry. “I want custardy!” Realizing things weren’t going as planned on her Etch a Sketch, Britney switched to Plan B: Vadge in the eye. Everyone quickly turned in fear but not Kevin. No way. He wasn’t backing down this time. Not now, not ev - Jumpin’ Jesus it winked at him. SECURITY!

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Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and it looks like her stay did some good. For once she doesn’t look like warmed over shit in make-up. I’m not saying I’d want to “hit that,” but if it were suggested, I wouldn’t completely try to bludgeon my own penis. And speaking of male genitalia, scope out this excerpt from the latest Rolling Stone. Writer Claire Hoffman sat outside Amy Winehouse’s apartment and found herself invited in by Beehive Typhoid Mary:

“I’m on a strict put-weight-on diet. I love food. I’m just stressed out.” She returns from the kitchen with an oozing white-bread-and-banana sandwich, on which she sprinkles potato chips. She hands Nicole her laptop, which is caked in fingerprints and smudges, and asks her to show me the photographs of Winehouse and her husband making out, the two of them mugging for the camera like Mickey and Mallory, passing pills to each other with their tongues. Winehouse gets up for more food. Nicole continues the slide show, and suddenly the screen flashes Winehouse’s blurry face, taken from above with a phone in one hand and a gigantic penis in her mouth.

Wow. There’s a mental image for the ages. And, now, to answer your burning question “Why? Why would you do that!?”, the immortal words of Van Morrison:

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there’s no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
take away all my sadness
ease my troubles that’s what you do

Best readers ever. That’s you guys. Stay in school.

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Madonna’s divorce from Guy Ritchie is definitely becoming a reality. She met with Paul McCartney’s high-powered attorney this week to protect her assets, but friends of Guy Ritchie say he’s not interested in her money. In fact, he’s actually hoping things can work out between him and Death Hands. The Mirror reports:

But friends said he still nurtures the dream that the final break can be avoided. One disclosed: “He’s a bit down in the dumps, and who can blame him. He’s off to the country to get a bit of peace and quiet.”
Friends insist the movie director is unlikely to wage a court battle for more of the star’s millions. The couple have already made the welfare of their children - Lourdes, 11, Rocco, seven, and adopted David, two - their top priority.
One source said: “Guy is a decent bloke, full stop. It’s not his style to start profiteering from such sorry circumstances. He’s got too much respect for his wife and children.”

Personally, I think Madonna’s making a huge mistake. I mean, Guy Ritchie is a human male who’s willing to have intercourse with her. You don’t throw something like that away. Let’s be realistic: it’s not 1992 anymore and you’re the Crypt Keeper. In fact, if one of my buddies said “Hey, I’d like to have sex with Madonna - circa NOW.” I’d probably give him back his car keys then suggest he take Holy Windy Fucking Shit Road home. Okay, you’re right, I wouldn’t do that. I’d ask the valet to.

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This sounds more like a court case than a TV show, but "Brittan’s Missing Top Model" will debut next week on the BBC, as the search begins to find the worlds hottest disabled model.  In a format similar to "Americas Top Model", 6 girls with a range of disabilities made it on the show, but it was a tough house to get into.  Meaning the front door had to be unlocked, since there's no way more than 6 people even tried out for this dumb ass idea.  The New York Daily News says…

'Britain's Missing Top Model' only features models with disabilities from around the world - including one from the U.S.. Among the eight lovely ladies who will duke it out onscreen are women without limbs, some who are partially paralyzed and one who is deaf.
U.K. Marie Claire editor Marie O'Riordan, who serves as a judge for "Missing Top Model," says she has high hopes for the show: "I do believe the program could help challenge our attitudes to disability. I want to see the winner shake up the fashion industry. These young women shouldn't be invisible to the fashion world just because they are disabled."

This is so unspeakably reprehensible; I can’t even find the words.  People suck.  There’s no way anyone is gonna watch this and see it as an empowering celebration of the human spirit.  I'm sure the challenges will just be stuff like "Open This Can" or "Hear A Song".  No one swings as wildly as the BBC.  It’s stuff like 12 part documentaries on the migration of robins, followed by "Britain’s Fastest Child Molester".  It’s "Evolving Rites of Spring with the Irish Tenors", followed by "Skip That Dwarf Across The Lake 2008".

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Mary-Kate Olsen stopped by Letterman last night to promote her new film The Wackness where she talked about spending her 22nd birthday at Bonnaroo, making out with Ben Kinglsey and not wanting her kids to be child actors. She then brought up going to high school with Spencer Pratt who Dave mentioned is a little “wormy.” I guess that’s showbiz talk for “epic assclown.” Good to know:

Mary-Kate: He does not have a good temper. He walked out of a few games. He would walk off the field. He was like, ‘Me or the coach!’
Dave: Were you friends with the guy at the time?
Mary-Kate: No.
Dave: Because I’m surprised about the soccer. Because looking at the guy, he looks like a guy that has never broken a sweat, I would guess.
Mary-Kate: Oh, my God — that brings up stories! I don’t know if I should talk about it.
Dave: No, c’mon, let’s hear one. Let’s go.
Mary-Kate: [laughs] The Wackness is a great film.
Dave: What I don’t understand is how does a kid that age, and he’s only in his 20s or maybe even your age, how does a kid like that get to be so oily?
Mary-Kate: It’s a mystery to me.

While I’m not surprised that Spencer Pratt is universally looked upon as Hollywood’s shit stain, I’m extremely amazed at how normal Mary-Kate Olsen appears. For once she doesn’t look like Yoda on heroin and is actually speaking to other humans. I always figured Mary-Kate communicated via an intricate series of wrist flaps and lip pouting. But real words? Honestly, who saw that coming?

Video after the jump.

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Verne Troyer (a.k.a. Mini-Me) is suing the pants off of TMZ for showing footage of him without his tiny pants. Apparently, Mini-Me filmed a sex tape with ex-girlfriend Ranae Shrider (above) and, like any good amateur porn, it was stolen and found its way online. His lawyers claim to have sent several cease-and-desist letters before and after TMZ posted the footage. E! Online reports:

In addition to the gossip purveyor, which just posted the footage yesterday, Troyer has also sued One Night in Paris peddler Kevin Blatt. He claims that Blatt, who’s known for his celeb-porn brokering ways, somehow acquired the stolen tape and, according to TMZ, is currently entertaining a $100,000 distribution offer from SugarDVD.
Troyer is alleging violation of privacy, copyright infringement, trademark infringement, violation of right to publicity and misappropriation of name and likeness.

Mini-Me made a sex tape? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

UPDATE: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

EDIT: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!* But, in all seriousness, did they use a tripod or just lay the camera on the floor?

*HA HA HA HA HA HA!

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Hulk Hogan revealed to People that he still unconditionally loves his ex-wife Linda - even though she filed for divorce and currently has a 19-year-old kid ensnared in her leather vagina. But Hulk still keeps that torch burning and blames the reality for amplifying their problems. In the meantime, he’s been able to fix his relationship with Brooke:

Hogan says his relationship with Brooke, 20, “was strained for a while” after Brooke learned that Hogan had a brief fling with one of her close friends, a woman in her 30s. “Brooke has gone through a range of emotions,” Hogan says. “She was a little confused about who everybody was, and maybe had misinformation, but right now Brooke understands who I am, and who her mom is, and what’s real and not real. She’s doing real well now.”

Smart thinking, Hulk. You can’t have Linda, so you’ve moved on to her clone Brooke. Sure, her skin lacks the texture of beef jerky, but you didn’t build the world’s largest tanning bed for nothing. It may have taken years and they all laughed at you, but soon you’ll be having burnt crispy sex faster than you can say “We’re moving to Arkansas, brotha!”

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Will Smith has yet to officially announce that he is now a follower of Scientology, despite strong ties to the cult for almost three years, but now Life and Style (via PopCrunch) says the evidence that’s piling up is pretty hard to ignore.

Life & Style spies claim Will was chatting up the unorthodox religion to anyone who would listen on the set of his new film, Hancock, opening July 4th.
 “He gave out Scientology-like pamphlets at the end of the shoot,” says biographer Andrew Morton, who published an unauthorized biography on Kooky Cruise last Winter.
“It’s also been said that he and Jada are homeschooling their children in Scientology methods,” Morton insists.
Will and Jada are also rumored to be financing the New Village Academy, a Scientology-associated school to open in Calabasas, California this Fall.
Morton explains: “So between that, the pamphlets, the school in Calabasas, and his close friendship with Tom, it seems all the evidence leads one to conclude that he is a part of this organization.”

Will Smith seems smarter than this, but he’s an actor and actors are idiots so I guess it's not surprising.  Actors will fall for anything.  If you can get really one big one the rest will follow and do what he does.  You could get a Moose costume and tap dancing shoes, then all you need to do is convince George Clooney that TapaMoose can tap, tap, tap away your insecurities with tophats and razzmatazz, and by the end of the week you’d be rolling around in mountains of money like Scrooge McDuck.

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Newlyweds Colleen McLoughlin and English soccer star Wayne Rooney jetted off to Vegas for their honeymoon this week. It seems like they’re having a good time swimming, drinking and, wait, reading “The Secret” WTF? First off, these people are loaded. Everyone knows that’s a book for housewives stupid enough to believe you can will yourself wealthy, thin and/or relevant. Second, who reads on their honeymoon? Does the sex really stop that quickly? My God, you ladies are diabolical. How do you get away with it? Hold on, our secretary just showed me some cleavage, so now I’m doing her job for the rest of the day. What was I saying?

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