Here’s Jessica Alba out and about yesterday rocking a chest that says “Yes, I did recently squeeze a tiny person out of my pelvis. Thank you for asking.” Which, honestly, almost made me consider Jessica Alba a captivating individual. Keyword being: Almost.

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Ali Lohan is trying to start an acting career just like her big sister Lindsay. In her haste to get on the silver screen and fund her mother’s gin addiction, Ali attended a casting call for porn director Peter Davy. Granted, he’s getting ready to shoot a mainstream horror film that doesn’t make the situation any less sad and hilarious. TMZ reports:

Ali Lohan’s rep tells us the girl had no idea that Peter Davy was behind such classics as “Breast Wishes 14″ and “Bun Busters 12.” Sources tell us the meeting was actually set up by Ali’s agent.

Dina Lohan is, of course, feigning outrage for the press, but behind closed doors, it’s a different story: “Ali, I know you’re your own person, but Lindsay - God, I miss that little coke mule - would’ve lied about her age and knocked out the rent for mommy. I’m just sayin’.”

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For like 12 house the greatest rumor in the world is that Angelina Jolie is after the role of Catwoman in the third Batman movie, who some say will be called "Gotham", from director Chris Nolan.  The Telegraph UK says…

The actress, who gave birth to twins earlier this month, is reported to have already made enquiries with film executives about playing the part.  Julie Newmar, who played the feline villain in the 1960s Batman television series, said Jolie would make a fantastic Catwoman should the character be reprised.  Ms Newmar, 74, said: "Angelina would own the part. My industry friends tell me she has already made enquiries about the role. I can understand how it would pique her interest. Catwoman is Batman's one true love."

Unfortunately I don’t think there’s an ounce of validity to this.  I'm sure Julie Newmar is a very nice woman but she's not really in a postion to get this kind of information.  A third script, and as of now it’s not even definite there will be one from Nolan, is years from being completed, and there’s no telling what direction it might take.  But of course Jolie would be perfect.  I think a good idea for the movie would be one where Catwoman, I don't know, steals some diamonds or some shit, and then masturbates in the shower for two hours to unwind.  The End.

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A recent Snickers commercial starring Mr. T that aired in the UK was pulled after complaints from the United States that the ad was offensive to homosexuals. It hadn’t even aired here in the States, but it featured Mr. T firing a Gatling gun full of Snickers at a speedwalker. The Human Rights Campaign surprisingly interpreted this as “homophobic” instead of “totally fucking awesome.” Mars, the maker of Snickers, caved, but not before basically insulting America’s lack of a sense of a humor. The Daily Mail reports:

A spokesman for Mars said: ‘This ad is the second in a series of UK Snickers ads featuring Mr T, which are meant to be fun and have been positively received in the UK.
‘However, we understand that humour is highly subjective, and it is never our intention to cause offence. Accordingly, we have pulled the Mr T speedwalker ad globally.’

I’m pretty liberal, and even I think this is some bull to the shit. First off, Mr. T mounting a machine gun on a pickup is as American as apple pie made with bald eagle crust. Second, the ad’s not homophobic. It simply warns people of all walks of life about the lameness of speedwalking while simultaneously promoting the firearm capabilities of chocolate-covered peanuts and nougat. In fact, I’m sure gay men will love it because, at the end, Mr. T professes his love of nuts.

UPDATE: Here’s a statement from T himself:
“Mr. T thinks everyone should put their penis wherever they want without discriminatory jibba-jibba and pities the fool who says otherwise. [Due to a hectic schedule forging confectionery-themed attack vehicles, Mr. T kindly requests you punch yourself in your own face then flex for emphasis.]”

Video after the jump.

Thanks to Craig who took a Mallomar to the hip back in Nam.

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Bar Rafaeli is in St Tropez this week, and she better watch out because all the other supermodels must hate her.  She’s so much hotter than everyone one it’s embarrassing.  The only way she could get any more awesome in these pictures is if she morphed into a robot fighting tiger with rockets as feet and beat up some kind of giant monkey.

(picture source = inf daily, updated pics from bauer griffin, UHQ of some of these over on less clothes)

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It's been pretty hot in SoCal lately, so Bruce Willis was nice enough to dump a bottle of water on some paparazzi as they followed him around yesterday.  It’s important to stay hydrated.  That guy could have very well died if not for Bruce’s quick thinking.  I hope that guy at least offered to reimburse Bruce for his water.  It's just the right thing to do.

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Bauer Griffin has some pictures up now of Amy Winehouse receiving a shipment of blood this morning, although it's not really clear why.  I assume it's related to her recent hospital stay, but that’s just a guess because I wasn’t even aware that you could just order blood and they’d bring it to you.  "Okay, so I needed blood and now I have a bag of blood and … and now I have no plan."  Is this what socialized medicine is?  Fantastic.  "Here’s some blood.  Good luck."   But at least they labeled it "Urgent Blood".  Um, is there any other kind?  As opposed to what, "Whenever You Get Around To It Blood" or "Just Leave It On The Stoop Blood".

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These are shots of Leonardo DiCaprio’s on/off girlfriend model Bar Rafaeli. I don’t know what it says about a man who gets tired seeing a girl like this naked. Except I do and it says “Hey, I’m Leonardo DiCaprio and can get any woman I want with minimal to no effort.” Yeah, well, I can get any chick I want too. Provided she’s susceptible to hypnosis, a heavy drinker and “trying to pay her way through law school.”

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Jamie Lynn Spears will wed Casey Aldridge, the father of baby Maddie Briann (open to debate), this fall and reportedly host the ceremony in her own backyard. Britney will be the maid of honor as part of her final test to prove she has the mental fortitude to not hump a cake. OK! Magazine reports:

“She loves everything about the area where she lives. She’s not going to get married at some luxury resort in the Caribbean or a hotel in Beverly Hills,” a friend of the bride-to-be tells OK!. “Her own backyard with just the people who matter most is more Jamie Lynn’s style.”
And with the wedding approaching quickly, Jamie Lynn is planning to look her best on the big day. “She’s already down to her pre-pregnancy weight,” says the friend. “She has the cutest figure!”

There’s nothing like seeing a young couple on their way to NRA membership and NASCAR-induced domestic violence. It’s like a Disney movie waiting to be made!

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Britney Spears' inept parenting skill are in the spotlight once again today, with the Daily Mail publishing pictures of her young son Sean Preston playing with her cigarettes as Britney smokes just a few feet away.  The Mail says…

Health experts have criticised Britney's 'shocking' behaviour, calling her a 'poor role model' for her children.  It comes a week after Britney officially agreed to give her ex-husband Kevin Federline sole custody of the couple's two sons, Sean Preston and Jayden, 1.  She is currently allowed two visits and one overnight per week in the settlement.
Britney
It is the latest in a string of high-profile parenting dramas for the 26-year-old.
In January this year, she was placed on lockdown for a mental evaluation after she locked herself in a room with Sean Preston at her LA home and refused to hand him over to Federline.
In February 2006, she was caught driving with Sean Preston on her lap with no seat belts and the following month she received a visit from child welfare officers when Sean Preston fell from his high chair, bruising his head.

Is this really a surprise?  Britney’s a white trash idiot.  Of course she’s gonna smoke right in front of her kids.  He’ll be lucky if it stops there.  He’ll be lucky if you don’t see him using a case of Miller Lite as blocks or the washing machine as a fort.  Now she’s moving to Calabasas.  "Honey where are the kids?"  "Oh they’re out on the cliff."  This kid is doomed.  Doomed I tells ya!

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