Us magazine is reporting that Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong broke up this weekend after three months of dating.  The news comes as a shock to many, because these two are so dull it was easy to forget they were alive, much less a couple.  

"There was no drama or ugliness – They just decided to end things," a source close to the couple tells Us. "There is no hatred, just sadness."
The pair quickly became inseparable with sightings of them in Austin, New York and Los Angeles – though both dodged questions about their relationship.
In the short time they were together, the 29-year-old actress was seen with the 36-year-old cyclist at many of his races and events, including his three-day Lance Armstrong Livestrong Summit in Columbus, Ohio this past weekend.
It was at the conference that Hudson and Armstrong decided to go their separate ways, a source tells Us.

Hard to believe the passion burned out, what with all those bike races and such.  Those drive women wild.  The sidelines are packed with hot chicks, and you’ll often hear, "if that guy rides his bike up this hill, I’m fuckin him.  I'm not kidding, he makes it to the top, I’m fucking him right here and now."

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Hayden Panettiere (seen here at Comic-Con over the weekend trying to keep her hands clean from dork debris) reportedly gave her boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia a striptease on the set of Heroes for his 31st birthday. Why must you forsake me, Lord? Australia News Limited reports:

A source said: “Hayden gave Milo an unforgettable birthday surprise by morphing from her bouncy cheerleader character in Heroes to a bump-and-grind striptease. As she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Milo in front of cast and crew during lunch she ripped off the costume to show off her sexy red lingerie. Milo’s face went bright red.”

You know how I know this isn’t true? Because I spent the past six hours crying under my desk which means IT NEVER HAPPENED. Nobody talk about this again. In fact - Hold on, I just got an e-mail from The Geekologie Writer:

“Hey, remember how you’re not Milo Ventimiglia and didn’t get a lap dance from Hayden Panettiere? I had those words tattooed on my forehead. Wings later?”

Nice. Real nice. Wait, here’s one from my mom:

“Honey, I just heard the news. Don’t worry, you’ll meet a nice girl soon who’ll do naughty dances for you. But maybe it wouldn’t hurt to lower your expectations a little. Do you remember that sweet girl who lived down the street and murdered her whole family? I hear she’s single! Smooches.”

Christ, who’s next? The president? *BEEP* Ah, shit…:

“I LIKES WEARING COWBOY HATS!”

Thanks to Tyler for the really great tip. It’s so great that I actually have one for you: I’m your biological father.

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Bad news everybody: Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have broken up. Who saw that coming? Besides Kate Hudson and her unwavering love of new penis. It turns out the two couldn’t stop arguing and finally decided to throw in the towel, according to Page Six:

Hudson made a last-ditch effort last week, traveling to see her beau in Ohio for his Livestrong Summit, but “they both decided it wasn’t feasible,” a friend said. Another spy said the couple had a big blowout a week ago and Armstrong stormed off - “They didn’t talk for like five days.”

It must be hard to have an argument with a guy who rides his bicycle in the kitchen while eating breakfast. Sure, you can yell all you want about him taking “that thing everywhere” including the bathroom, but he’s just gonna pop a wheelie in your face then go back to his Wheaties. Some might say I’m perpetuating a horrible stereotype that all cyclists are dicks, but until I see concrete data that suggests otherwise, I’m still throwing stray cats at them from my car window: “Quit blocking the lane! Aim true, Fluffy.” REOWW!

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Amy Winehouse’s jackass dad - the same person who has sat idly as his daughter very publically kills herself with drugs - is reportedly furious that someone spiked Amy’s drink with E, which he thinks caused her health problems last week and sent her to the hospital.  And now, Mitch is out for justice!  The Sun says:

It was originally thought she had suffered a reaction to medication she was taking to help her quit Class A drugs.
But last night it emerged that cabbie MITCH, 54, is now certain that her drink had been spiked.
A source said after Rehab star Amy was discharged yesterday: “Mitch is
Furious.  He’s certain someone put E in Amy’s drink — and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it.  He is convinced that one of her hangers-on was responsible and he’s waiting for a toxicology report to show what caused her to fit.  If his suspicions are proved right, he wants someone to be punished. He is seriously unhappy about Amy’s flat being a stop-over for randoms and wants an end to it.”

Ohhh baby, NOW we're gonna see some action. This Mitch, I tell ya what, he’s a real tornado, he’s like Rommel, he see's what he wants and he takes it.  Wait … no … I meant to say he's an enabling fuckup who should be arrested when his daughter inevitably dies of an overdose because he sat there and did nothing.  At the very least his penis should be welded to his leg so he can't have any more kids that are nothing but a drain on society's resources.

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Khloe Kardashian is now considered a receptacle for advice on drinking and driving after her three hour stint in jail. I’d say that qualifies her to dish out horribly vapid pearls of wisdom for recently arrested Shia LaBeouf which, oh, hey, that’s exactly what she did. Fantastic! Us Magazine reports:

“Just be smarter,” she told Usmagazine.com at the Annual Style L.A. Runway show benefitting the Facial Paralysis Foundation & Stop the Violence/Face the Music benefit.
“Think about your actions and get a driver!” the 24-year-old counseled. “It’s so much cheaper in the long run!”

“So much cheaper.” Interesting. How about, I dunno, nobody gets fucking killed? I mean, I guess that’s as important as saving a couple bucks. Then again, I don’t spend the majority of each day in a mansion with my sister trying to block the sun with our asses, so I could be wrong.

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Brooke Hogan, like any big brother, is concerned about the well-being of her little brother Nick. She spoke to People about Nick’s poor fragile spirit that has me convinced he pees sitting down:

“They had broken his spirit,” Brooke Hogan, 20, tells PEOPLE. “When they put him in solitary, he was on the outs. I was worried about him, and his safety, and his well-being.”
“We get to visit him three times a week like everybody else, but it sucks,” she says. “I can’t just walk over to his room and give him a hug, or talk to him, or confide in him. … At least he’s not locked in hell, basically. And his personality is slowly coming back. I bring that out of him.”

“His personality is coming back. I bring that out of him.” Christ, this family is jam-packed with ego. Seriously, there’s a simple explanation to all this: Nick is surrounded by dudes 24/7 and has long given up any inhibitions about staring at his sister’s rack. I mean, it’s technically not incest if they were put there by science. That’s in The Bible.

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Dina and Ali Lohan somehow scored invites to the premiere of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: This One’s Not Lesbian Porn Either, Sorry!. However, at the after-party Dina decided to be a giant bag of bitch and ended up getting tossed out. E! Online reports:

Sources report that when Dina, Ali and a friend of Ali’s arrived to the after-party, they sat down at a reserved table. A studio staffer politely asked her to change tables, but “Dina “went apes–t,” a partygoer tells me. “It so wasn’t cool.”
So not cool that “Dina was quietly removed” from the rooftop soiree, another source says.

I guess Dina felt she’s entitled to celebrity treatment simply because Lindsay Lohan passed through her birth canal. Shit, you don’t hear Samantha Ronson bragging about it. Show some class, lady.

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Turns out Amy Winehouse’s trip to the ER Monday night wasn’t because of a reaction her medication. Her father Mitch is pretty adamant that someone slipped Ecstasy in Amy’s drink and has even contacted the fuzz, according to The Sun:

A source said after Rehab star Amy was discharged yesterday: “Mitch is furious. He’s certain someone put E in Amy’s drink — and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it. He is convinced that one of her hangers-on was responsible and he’s waiting for a toxicology report to show what caused her to fit.

Jesus. I mean, who would slip E into Amy Winehouse’s drink? I just couldn’t fathom what sort of individual would do such a thing. If only we knew of a suspect with a long history of drug abuse that would love to see Amy trip her face off for a couple of hours while getting shitfaced drunk at the same time. Hmm. Curiouser and curiouser…

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Lots of people seem to be wondering if Lindsay Lohan is gay these days.  Lindsay Lohan is not one of those wondering.  She knows full well that she is.  The New York Daily News says…

…friends of LiLo were shocked at the actress' new BlackBerry messenger name: "LL <3s [hearts] samanhattan.”

I take it that means, "Lindsay loves Samantha".  Sam has pretty bad timing.  She’s getting Lindsay at her lowest point.  After she’s been used up by 900 guys.  I hope their vibrators have a leash with a velcro strap that Lindsay can hook to her ankle like surfboards do so nothing gets lost up in there.

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These are pics of Latin pop singer Paulina Rubio on vacation with her husband. I don’t really have much to say about these except for such stereotypical responses as “Holy Frijoles!”; “Ay dios mio!”; and “El queso está viejo y pútrido. ¿Dónde está el sanitario?”

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