Audrina Patridge hosted an event for Bombay Sapphire in Vegas over the weekend proving she’s the only pure and decent thing to come out of The Hills. Audrina grasps the concept that nobody wants to hear her talk. Ever. Not even if the sound of her voice is the antidote for cancer. Just smile, wear a bikini then wait for your fleeting relevancy to be replaced by the next 21-year-old with implants who’s banging an MTV producer. Audrina Patridge, we salute you! Keep on truckin’!

Thanks to Marcine for knowing the key to my heart: Gin.

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Britney Spears, who sweeped the VMAs with her video for “Piece of Me,” doesn’t even think it’s a good video. I mean, she made the thing while she thought she was a British nanny which proves those fat cats at MTV “bailed out” Britney. See what I did there? I’m poignant. Star reports:

“It’s a cool video, but I think by far I’ve done videos that are way better, so I was really shocked that it got the award. It was just inspiring, though, because now, going forward with the videos that I’m doing now, I can really go there and do something crazy and see what happens.”
She added that she’d be eating New York pizza before she leaves town — and not just one slice. “I eat what I want,” the workout fanatic said.

In related news, Britney Spears was severely burnt this afternoon when she attempted to dump the contents of an entire pizza oven in her mouth. First responders believe a Stromboli is the culprit but hesitated to speculate further until a forensics team arrives. In the meantime, Britney’s people say she dove out of the ambulance when it passed a Domino’s and request anyone who sees the pop star to contact law enforcement. She’s wearing a black- and red-striped shirt with a calzone seared into the collar.

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Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson slip n’ slided down to Mexico yesterday, and I gotta tell you, I am shocked by these photos. Mostly because, after seeing Sam in a bikini, my penis didn’t run off screaming into a wood chipper. Jesus. Who saw that coming?

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Paris Hilton’s new reality show Paris Hilton’s My New BFF starts tonight on MTV and it will feature her latest single “My BFF.” For those of you playing the home game, “BFF” stands for Big Fucking Fail. Check out the lyrics on this trainwreck:

“All my life I’ve been waiting for someone I can trust, someone who will tell me the truth - even when it’s the hard thing to say.”

First off, I’ve got no problem telling Paris the truth: You have a smelly vagina. Second, take a listen to the song on KIIS-FM and tell me that’s not the same chick singing who does Heidi Montag’s songs. Seriously, whoever you are, stop it. You’re hurting America. In fact, Al Qaeda just called; they said “Thanks.”

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Janet Jackson was rushed to the hospital last night when she “got suddenly ill” before her concert in Montreal, according to the AP. No information was given on her condition, but Janet’s already rescheduling the show so it can’t be too serious. Of course, I already knew that having read this item from Page Six which will drop a hint right in your lap:

The other night, Dupri and his squeeze, Janet Jackson, went to Tenjune, where, spies say, they shared bottles of Jay-Z’s Ace of Spades Champagne and Patrón tequila with Ne-Yo, Busta Rhymes and Ice-T - until Dupri “vomited in Janet’s lap. Ms. Jackson bolted out of the scene and sped off in her chauffeured Maybach.” A rep for Jackson and Dupri didn’t return calls.

I’m pretty sure getting puked on my Jermaine Dupri isn’t exactly good for your health, but I’ve been wrong before. Like that time I thought I thought Brooke Hogan was a girl. Ha! I was way off.

Thanks to James who can not only hold his liquor but several assorted meats and cheeses as well. True story.

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KNIFE IN THE HEAD KID SURVIVED – Splash says a British teenager miraculously survived with virtually no ill effects after being stabbed in the head with a five inch kitchen knife when he and two others came to the aid of a friend who was being mugged.  Boooor-ing.  This kid thinks hes so great.  I got chased by a bee one time and after jumping around and yelling, "get it off GET IT OFF", I was fine too.  But you didn’t see me running to the press about it, clamoring for attention.  So you tell me, who's the real hero?

SPIKE LEE IS A PETULANT BRAT - That could honestly be the tag line for every Spike Lee article since 1994.  The link address ends with "spikelee.racism".  Guess what it's about.

JANET JACKSON IS IN THE HOSPITAL – there is literally nothing on earth I care about less than Janet Jackson going to the hospital.

A CHALLENGER APPEARS – last week it seemed clear John McCain was gonna have the young sexy voter with the largest breasts.  So does this new girl think she can just waltz in here and turn my world upside down?!?!

KENDRA IS IN DENIAL – Kendra denied again today that she is leaving Hugh Hefner and is engaged to Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett.  But I can assure you she is.  I just know things like this.  It’s a gift.  And I can prove it.  Take a look at your card.  It’s the six of diamonds, isn't it?

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Jennifer Aniston continues her vacation in Los Cabos, Mexico, and she should probably start posing for the paparazzi because, damn, are they getting some unflattering shots. It’s almost as if the majority of Jennifer’s body is defying age except her stomach. Which obviously gave up and said “Hey, I wanna look like your grandpa.”

NOTE: Jennifer Aniston completely making my words a moot point here, and I’m pretty sure that’s the entrance to Narnia.

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After word broke yesterday that Adnan Ghalib is looking to sell a sex tape of Britney Spears to the highest bidder, her people are denying its existence, E! News reports:

“The story is completely false,” the source tells E! News.
Spears’ rep at Jive Records has not responded to calls seeking comment.

Of course, no one’s asking Britney about the tape - until now!

THE SUPERFICIAL: Britney, did you make a sex tape with Adnan Ghalib?
BRITNEY: Stop talking to me giant Frappucino in pants!
THE SUPERFICIAL: Again, is there a tape of you having sex in Mexico?
BRITNEY: I’m gonna stick a straw in your head.
THE SUPERFICIAL: Just say “yes” or “n- *KERCHUNK*
BRITNEY: Can someone get the whipped cream can out of my purse? Yeah. Under the chocolate sauce.

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Criss Angel’s $85 million Cirque de Soleil show “Believe” opened in Vegas over the weekend, and what do you know? It TANKED. Audience members reportedly walked out of the theater and demanded their money back after witnessing an epic fail covered in douche sauce, according to the Las Vegas Review Journal:

“Everyone in the bathroom was chanting ‘bull—-’” from the urinals, Damon Ranger of Chicago told me Saturday. “It was absolutely awful. You can ‘Believe’ how bad it is — because it’s terrible!”
People streamed out of the theater on Saturday screaming about how poor it was. A group of six women was led by a woman yelling furiously, demanding their money back.
“Dude, it’s a train wreck,” Ranger said. On a scale of 1 to 10, he declared “Believe” a zero.
Two other Angel fans, Steve Moffett and Jordan Wilson, flew in from London for Friday’s debut.
“We were hysterical about coming. We came. It was a waste of time,” Wilson said. “The magic’s not even magic.”
Moffett and Wilson walked out before the ending, because Angel started singing the finale, a cover of his “Mindfreak” TV theme song.
“He broke into song. I said, ‘He’s singing. Now we’re leaving,’” Wilson said.

Jesus Christ, he sings?! Wow. I guarantee you if I were in that audience, I would’ve rushed the stage and repeatedly punched Criss Angel in the uvula. Then I’d disappear! SHAZAM where’s the fire exit?

Thanks to Steve who’s holding the Jack of Clubs.

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These are shots of Jennifer Aniston in Cabo over the weekend and… and… what in the-? Is anyone else seeing her vagina from an almost impossible angle? Seriously, is it lopsided, or do I need to start boiling some water? Ladies, you’re the experts here. No, wait, I mean, I’m the expert. Ha ha, I’ve seen hundreds of these. Let’s see, yup, there’s your problem: No unicorn jumping out of it. Probably want to get that looked at.

NOTE: Pic links to potentially NSFW version unless there’s such as a thing as “crotchular cellulite.” In which case, my bad, everybody.

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