Traci Bingham and Heidi Montag both went to Halloween parties last night dressed as sexy cops.  It's kind of touching to see, whether white or black, our nations whores can come together this election season and celebrate, not our differences, but that things that unite us.  I too will do my part to heal this world tonight by banging a hot Asian chick with big tits.  My penis doesn’t know what color you are, my sisters.

picture source = pacific coast

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I looked it up on wiki and it turns out Mariah Carey isn’t really a fireman, so I don’t know why she’s dressed like one.  Stuff like this really ticks me off.

picture source = inf daily

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Here it is, folks. Britney Spears’ album cover for Circus in all it’s airbrushed/Wait is that Heather Locklear? glory. As if the Internet wasn’t a flutter enough, Britney’s also released the full track listing - plus bonus song! HOLY SHIT BALLS! I’m practically speechless right now. Fortunately, “Super Fan” on the Britney Spears.com message board has left a comment that echoes exactly how I feel:

Ooooo…..MMMMMM…….GGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!…….
Brit ♥~~~ Your Cover is Amazing!!!
I Love You So Much!!~~~♥♥♥♥
Come To Taiwan, Please………….
Come to Taiwan, Please Come to Taiwan, Please Come to Taiwan, Please
Come to Taiwan, Please Come to Taiwan, Please Come to Taiwan, Please
Come to Taiwan, Please Come to Taiwan, Please Come to Taiwan, Please
I Need You!!~~~~~~~♥♥

Yeah. All that stuff. (Minus the 110% chance that a trip to Taiwan will end in Britney Spears being made into a coat.)

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While other celebrity chicks are slutting it up for Halloween, Kate Moss is staying true to the holiday’s roots by flying to L.A. and scaring the bejeezus out of Angelenos with her natural looks. Keep in mind that Moss is a) only 34 years old and b) earns millions of dollars every year based solely on the fact that she’s supposed to be good-looking. Guess these are the results of lifetime spent slamming heroin directly into your eyeballs and hoovering up so much coke that your septum has more holes than the single-bullet theory. If this is the standard for supermodels these days then Abe Vigoda might as well throw on a pair of silk panties and pasties and hit up Calvin Klein for a contract. On the plus side, America’s economic crisis doesn’t seem nearly as scary compared to the fact that, if you’re a male, you’ve probably had a sexual fantasy about this monstrosity sometime within the last few years. Yeah, I know; it’s no king-size Snickers bar, but times are tough everywhere. Now get off my porch!

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I WONDER how she managed to squeeze her fat ass into that costume.

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Okay, last one. (For today.) Here’s Kendra Wilkinson at Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon’s Halloween party in Manhattan last night. I have no idea what she’s supposed to be, but who the hell cares look at that butt. In the meantime, I should probably start finding out what’s happening in the real world. Al Qaeda could’ve blown up Tom Cruise, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, and the only thing I’d have to say for myself is “Kim Kardashian dressed up like Wonder Woman.” Because I kick ass!

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Here’s Tracy Bingham showing up to some Halloween party dressed as a naughty police officer or something. Yes, that’s right, more photos of celebrities in costume on Halloween. Shocking, I know. I didn’t win this Pulitzer by delivering the expected. No, it was my bold reporting and for really going after the stories nobody else would cover. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to cover something about an “economies.” I’m not exactly sure what that is, but apparently it’s in bad shape and somebody’s got to report about it!

NOTE: Digging the headlines? I can do this all day. And by can I mean I am. WHEE!*

*Brought to you by sugar, high fructose corn syrup, and whatever the hell’s in these Pixie Sticks I just snorted.

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I’m not saying every girl should dye their hair red then walk around with no bra on, like Christina Ricci did yesterday, it's just … wait no I am saying that.  I am saying to do that.  That would be awesome.  If you bitches could do that I would appreciate it tremendously.  Because the only thing better than a girl with red hair and no bra is two girls with red hair and no bra.  A pox on the scoundrel keeping my dreams from becoming reality!

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Kim Kardashian dressed up like Wonder Woman for Halloween and as an avid comic book geek I can’t sit idly by without making a few comments:

1. WONDER WOMAN DOESN’T WEAR BLACK PANTYHOSE. Jesus. That’s borderline blasphemy! It’s pretty sad when Lynda Carter can probably pull off the original outfit - and she’s almost 60.
2. Wonder Woman’s mother is Amazon Queen Hippolyta not “Nazi Kris Jenner?” Surprise! You’re never working in Hollywood again.
3. How much do you charge to do birthday parties? Let’s not pretend cake isn’t the preferred method of payment.
4. It’s the “LASSO of Truth” not “ASSO of Lies.” Star-spangled buttpad here, here and here. (Or is she smuggling the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown?)

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William “Flex” Balfour is the only suspect in the triple murder that took the lives of Jennifer Hudson's mom, Darnell; brother, Jason and 7-year-old nephew, Julian.  Balfour, of course, is a fuckin thug.  He was arrested in 1999 for attempted murder, vehicular hijacking and possession of a stolen vehicle.  He was paroled seven years later, violated that in June for possession of crack.  Now it comes out he had been threatening Hudsosn family for quite some time, well before he eventually killed all three.  Us magazine says…

"Flex tried to start a fistfight with Jason, and James beat up Flex," the neighbor adds.
Shortly after, Flex began to threaten the family, saying "he would kill Julia and mess up everyone in the house," the source tells Us.
The supposed reason of the feud? TMZ.com reports Balfour clashed with the family after Julia claimed he sold one of their cars without permission.
"Flex was crazy, but Jason never took him seriously," the source tells Us. "Jason always thought he would be safe, that he could protect himself."

This guy is a real Negative Nancy, and I'm sorry to use such language but I'm pretty upset.  Since he killed three people I think we should find some way to kill him, then bring him back to life and kill him again and then once more.  But you don't tell him beforehand.  It's a surprise.  Like electrocute him, then let him sit for a minute, then give him the defibrillator paddles, bring him back, then say, "oh, hey dude are you ok?"  And he says, "yes, yes I am".  And you say, "oh ok good."  Zap.

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