Kelly Brook and her new boyfriend Danny Cipriani are spending the holidays in the Caribbean, and I’ve never heard of this dude until three seconds ago, but according to published reports I made up just now, he’s a homo, and he’s lying to Kelly so he can be seen with her and get publicity.  It's true.  It's kind of true.  There are even reports that he worked in gay porn under the name, "Dick Handler".  Poor Kelly.  I'm sorry you had to find out this way.  I'm always here for you and your huge tits, you know that don't you baby?  Just say the word.  Perhaps a series of blowjobs will help in some way.

(picture source = bauer griffin)

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Lisa Rinna made news last week when it was reveled she was going to pose for Playboy, even though she’s 45 now.  Her body is actually kind of hot, as you can see in these pictures taken over the weekend in Miami, and even though no one wants the see old ladies naked for any reason at any time, if you absolutely had to, she would be a decent choice.    But luckily you don’t absolutely have to. I told several people that a 45-year-old was posing naked in Playboy, and not once did anyone say, "hey, that’s sounds like a good idea".  And do you know why no one said that?  Would you like to know why?  Take a guess why no one said that.

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Here’s Paris Hilton celebrating New Year’s Eve at The Bongo Virus party in Sydney. Hold on, she’s in the future already?! Jesus, how did this happen? Aw man, she’s going to get VD all over 2009 before we even get there. Guess I better start practicing having it burn when I pee. Anyone got a lighter?

Happy New Year! I think. Goddammit, Paris…

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In an effort to quash rampant divorce rumors, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have escaped to Puerto Rico for the next few days to prove their love is strong. Because being in the same place at the same time totally constitutes a healthy relationship. No, really, these two couldn’t be more convincing if they procreated on a fighter jet in front of my house. True story. E! News reports:

“They are on a holiday vacation,” says Anthony’s rep.
Two days ago, Lopez and Anthony met up with friends and family for dinner at Marmalade, a trendy, upscale restaurant in the old-town section of San Juan.
“Jennifer and Marc looked very happy, so it is hard for me to believe the rumors that their marriage is in trouble,” the eatery’s general manager, Trace Donaldson, tells E! News. “They were laughing and seemed to be having a great time.”

Okay, I get it. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have a large Latin audience who are devout Catholics. However, c’mon, these people love Ricky Martin who’s not only gay, but adopted twin babies whom the Bible says he will no doubt inject with his gayness. Yet, I guarantee his next album will go triple cayenne pepper, or whatever they use to notate musical success. [Edit: Kittens in sombreros.]

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Honest to God if you showed me a map right now I'm not positive I could point out which one was Vermont, but I’m an idiot so maybe that’s not true for most people.  Also I'm not a mapmaker so who the fuck cares.  The point being, Vermont has entered my very narrow circle of awareness today because last night…

State Police stopped Matt Dillon, who was traveling 106 miles per hour on Interstate 91 in Newbury. He is due in court next month to answer to a charge of excessive speed.

106 would seemingly be illegal, so I think the police were right to pull him over.  Dillons mistake was doing this in a town with competent law enforcement.  He should have done it in LA.  In LA they could have found 10 dead hookers in his trunk and at best they would ticket him for hunting without a permit.

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Matt Dillon was busted last night for driving 106 mph in Vermont. The posted speed limit was 65, according to the AP.

When will the universe stop crapping on this guy? First, he loses Cameron Diaz. Then his brother Kevin becomes the big star of the family. And now he gets arrested in Vermont after slathering his naked body in maple syrup. What do you mean that wasn’t in the article? You gotta read between the lines. That’s why I’m the journalist, and you’re the voice in my head.

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Charles Barkley was arrested for DUI early this morning in Arizona after supposedly getting trashed with Michael Strahan and, no joke, Urkel, according to The Dirty. Suddenly, this news item went from boring to sad faster than you can say “Got any cheeeese?”

I have no respect for myself.

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After dominating the Christmas box office, Jennifer Aniston is spending New Year’s Eve with the most important person in her life right now: Courteney Cox Arquette. Yup, Jen is staying in Los Cabos with the family of her old Friends co-star (OMG! They really were best friends!) while John Mayer is quarantined to a separate beach house with his brother. Whee! People reports:

While the couple appear to be staying in separate residences, their places are just a short drive away – and are connected by a private beach perfect for long walks at sunset.
Aniston is making a tradition of spending the holidays with the Arquettes, having spent a festive night out with them at Mastro’s Steakhouse in Beverly Hills on Christmas Eve.

JEN: I mean, I did have the #1 movie in America over the holiday. Do you think I should sleep with him?
COURTENEY: Eww! Eww! No. God, no.
JOHN: I’m sitting right here.
JEN: No one knows for certain if all the publicity from our “relationship” helped, right? And it’s not like we had a contract.
COURTENEY: Exactly.
JOHN: Hello?
JEN: Plus, he was hanging around that Pete Wentz kid.
JOHN: I’m a studio exec with lots of money and scripts catered to a strong female lead.
JEN: *flashes her breasts* Dammit! It’s just John.
COURTENEY: Seriously, not cool. Now help me get my pants off the ceiling fan.

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We’ve all felt cheated by Dane Cook over the years, as he robbed so very many of us of our good moods and laughter, so it only seems fitting that someone would rob him too.  Except in this case they didn’t steal millions of smiles, they stole millions of dollars.  

The business manager for Dane Cook was arrested by Massachusetts state police Tuesday for allegedly stealing millions of dollars from the nationally known comedian.
Darryl McCauley, 43, of Wilmington, Mass., is scheduled to appear in Woburn District Court Wednesday morning. He is scheduled to be charged with two counts of larceny of over $250, forgery and larceny by continuous scheme, according to a news release by the Massachusetts Atorney General’s office.
Cook said in a September 2006 interview that his older brother was named Darryl McCauley. Documents available Wednesday night did not say definitively whether the McCauley who was arrested is related to Cook.
Other published reports list a Darryl McCauley as Cook’s brother and the best man in Cook’s recent wedding.

I guess this is sad because it's his brother but I don’t like Dane Cook so I don’t really give a shit.  And you have to admit, this Darryl guy found a way to increase his profit margins, so in that sense Dane should be proud of his brother and his accomplishments.  Stop being so selfish Dane.

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While Dane Cook’s been busy stealing other people’s joke, his own brother has been stealing from him, according to TMZ:

Darryl McCauley — who was in charge of Cook’s financial affairs since the 90s — was arrested today by the Massachusetts State Police and charged with three counts of larceny and forgery.
Authorities say in one case, Dane’s bro forged a $3 million check and deposited it in his account.

While I’m convinced Dane Cook’s movies are made for the intent purpose of interrogating terrorists, that’s gotta suck finding out your own brother has been ripping you off. Wait. Didn’t I hire my brother to be my accountant? Oh, shit…

UPDATE: So I checked the books and all I found was a fistful of strip club receipts and a G.I. Joe. Phew. Everything’s still there.

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