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Ashley Tisdale in a bikini

These are pictures of High School Musical’s Ashley Tisdale spending her birthday in Hawaii. If you have no idea who she is, please, switch lives with me. In the meantime, I guess she’s hot - sort of. I dunno. Hold on, my penis just wrote me a note: “I quit.” Dude! What about the memories we’ve had together? Like all those time I’d think inanimate objects were really a woman: The coffeemaker, the book shelf, Suzanne Somers…

EDIT: Moving this to the top of the page in the interest of freedom. Don’t question it. Otherwise the terrorists have really won.

Photos: Splash News

AMERICA KICKS ASS

If you’re reading this somewhere other than the United States today, you should know that today is our birthday.  The US has been awesome for 232 years now, and so today all of us bas ass motherfuckin Americans will celebrate by putting our hot chicks in bikinis and shooting fireworks at each other.  The point being, things will probably be kind of slow today, so my condolences if you’re bored.  Also, my condolences if you're not American.  I read in the bible that if god didn’t make you American, it’s because he hates you, so you’re kind of screwed.

HALLE BERRY IS SOMEWHAT ATTRACTIVE

Someone send Hawaii some cameras from this century immediately, because Halle Berry is there today doing a photo shoot for her new perfume, and she looks fantastic despite the fact that she had a baby just two months ago.  At least I think she looks fantastic.  It’s hard to tell with these crappy spy pictures.  If they have a horrible camera, someone at least should have pushed their way to the front.  That’s what I would have done.  I'm the strongest man in the world!


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SOME GUY IS DEAD

The National Enquirer broke the story last night that Lee Grivas, the 26-year-old boyfriend of Christina Applegate, was found dead in his home yesterday after an apparent heroin overdose.  So it turns out heroin might be bad for you.  Oh I know, I was surprised too.  They should put something on the label.  This is why you always keep your receipt, so you can get your money back in the case of a recall. The NE says…

 (Applegate) is "absolutely devastated over the sudden loss," said an insider.
Grivas — a fisherman, skateboarder and aspiring photographer — died July 1.
An official cause of death has not been issued, pending toxicology tests. The death was reported as a possible accident or suicide.
The former Married.. With Children star met Grivas in 2006 while she was performing in the Broadway musical Sweet Charity.
The two began dating as her marriage to actor Johnathon Schaech unraveled, but she ended the relationship because she reportedly felt Grivas was too much of a free spirit.
A source close to Grivas told The National Enquirer: "Lee also had a long history of drug problems, dating back to his teen years. Christina broke up with him a number of times because of his struggles with getting clean. She loved him, but couldn't stand by and watch him ruin his life."

The good news is, I'm still okay.  So that was a relief.  That’s him in the pictures by they way, on a trip to Maui with Applegate in April of last year.  I don’t have any more current pictures of him, but just take one of these pictures and lay it on its side.  That should be pretty close.


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Marla Maples in a bikini = Happy 4th, America!

Happy 4th of July, everybody!

On this most patriotic of days, I encourage you all to think about the sacrifices made by our forefathers. Sacrifices that allow a guy like me to write freely about breasts without the King of England coming into my home and teabagging me, if I recall my history lessons. So, on that note, USA!

Catch you guys on Monday.

P.S. Bring a musket.

MEGAN FOX IS SINGLE!!!

Megan Fox is single Megan Fox is single Megan Fox is single Megan Fox is single.  Monsters and Critics says…

The 22-year-old actress is said to have ended her four-year relationship with former 'Beverly Hills 90210' star Brian Austin Green, 34, because she feels too young to settle down.
A source close to the 'Transformers' star said: "Megan still cares about Brian, but she now realises she's too young to marry him."
She reportedly notified her friends and business associates of the news last week.

Did you ever notice how close "Megan Fox" is to "Mega Fox".  Really makes you think, huh?  Especially if you’re stoned off your ass.

Paris Hilton pitches the TV show from Hell

Paris Hilton thought up a TV show that will undoubtedly make me pay random strangers to throw an axe at my face. It’s basically The View but hosted by famous celebrities who will tackle such topics as the paparazzi, career management and, most importantly, girl talk! At last, a show that tackles battling herpes while finding the perfect purse. Never stop dreaming, folks. The Chicago Sun Times reports:

Just imagine Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Tori Spelling — as well as [Denise] Richards, Hilton and her former ”The Simple Life” co-star, Nicole Richie — together in one big two-hour special sharing ”their side” of what it’s like to be them.
That concept alone reportedly has intrigued a couple of cable channels initially contacted about the concept: Bravo and Lifetime.

In the future, historians wearing jet packs will point to this show’s inception as the apex of civilization’s decline. But then they’ll find themselves addicted to the catty chatter ultimately dooming their own space-age utopia. Don’t believe me? Just spend a good 30 seconds imagining Britney Spears’ commentary on, shit, anything. If within the first 10 you don’t shove your face in the oven, congratulations, you’re a robot. Now fix me a drink, tinny!

Elisabetta Canalis in a bikini

These are pics of Italian actress/model Elisabetta Canalis wearing a bikini on the set of her latest movie. You may remember her from Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, or some crazy YouTube video where her breast keeps falling out on Italian television. Somebody get this woman an Oscar. No, make that all the Oscar.

NOTE: Aforementioned NSFW video after the jump. It may be in Italian, but it speaks the international language of “Holy shit, that’s a boob.” Mamma mia!

Photos: Splash News

Britney Spears & Adnan: Together again for the very first time?

Britney Spears, seen here with her bodyguard, is secretly back at it with Adnan Ghalib. But this time Britney is pulling some James Bond action and using her vagina (It shoots darts.) to get back a sex tape Adnan made with her, according to the Daily Mail:

But sources claim the two haven’t got back together for purely romantic reasons - Britney is apparently terrified Adnan has an explicit video of her during the couple’s brief trip to Mexico in January.
‘Britney’s really scared that Adnan has a sex tape,’ an insider tells MailOnline. ‘She wants to get it out of his hands.’

I can’t really envision Britney Spears as the stealth espionage type. I can just see her trying to sneak around Adnan’s house, but then she knocks over the fridge and stumbles through a wall. And that’s just looking for a cookie. A hidden sex tape? Jesus. Adnan might as well have banged a wrecking ball then let it loose in his living room. Not that he hasn’t before, but I’m just sayin’.

Photos: Flynet

Ashley Tisdale in a bikini

These are pictures of High School Musical’s Ashley Tisdale spending her birthday in Hawaii. If you have no idea who she is, please, switch lives with me. In the meantime, I guess she’s hot - sort of. I dunno. Hold on, my penis just wrote me a note: “I quit.” Dude! What about the memories we’ve had together? Like all those time I’d think inanimate objects were really a woman: The coffeemaker, the book shelf, Suzanne Somers…

Photos: Splash News

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