Lindsay Lohan has turned down a $700,000 offer to do an eight-page spread for Playboy. She doesn’t want to do the whole nude thing again because, clearly, she’s a terrorist. Someone had to say it. Page Six reports:

“If there’s nudity, then the answer’s no . . . She’s not going down the [New York] magazine road again,” Lohan’s rep told Playboy’s creative consultant, Hal Lifson, referring to Lindsay’s naked Marilyn Monroe tribute last winter. Lifson said he hoped to have Lohan do a tribute to ’60s sex kitten Ann-Margret and her film “Kitten With a Whip.”

I guess Lindsay is content with her freckle-laded Marilyn Monroe shoot and doesn’t want to look, I dunno, awesome and airbrushed. Why do you hate erections so much, Lindsay Lohan?! Oh, right, you’re a “lesbian” now. Ha ha ha! But, seriously, why do you hate them?

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Christina Aguilera has been confirmed as a performer for the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday. This will be her first major performance since giving birth to baby Max Liron, according to OK! Magazine:

“I’m very excited,” said Christina about the news, which was announced at a press conference at Paramount Studios in L.A. Refering to her 8-month-old son Max Liron, Xtina said, “This will be his first time watching me perform on television, but only for a little while because he’s not really allowed to watch television yet. I’ll make an exception for the VMAs.”

Britney Spears is opening the VMAs and, word has it, MTV tried to keep Christina Aguilera’s appearance a secret from her to prevent reigniting their long-dead feud. Then again, it wouldn’t be much of a fight considering Christina hasn’t been deemed legally retarded by the state of California, and Britney ate a bowl of wax fruit yesterday. True story.

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I can’t even count how many readers have e-mailed me this picture of, what looks like, Governor Sarah Palin in a bikini brandishing a rifle. Allow me to set the record straight because, I shit you not, a ton of folks think this is real. (Smartest country ever!) It’s photoshopped, people. How do I know? Simple: No one is that sexy. Also, the real Sarah Palin would’ve shot the guy behind her for smoking his cigarette like a homosexual. “BANG BANG! Not on my watch, Frenchie!”

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The last time we checked in with Amy Winehouse, she had just bailed on a concert at the last second because, according to her publicist, she was too ill to perform and was at home recovering.   She has a concert planned this weekend as well.  Guess how that’s gonna go.

HAGGARD AMY WINEHOUSE sparked new fears for her health last night after she ordered in a staggering 48 bottles of Jack Daniel’s for a weekend gig.
Recovering junkie Amy stunned Bestival organisers with her demand for two crates of the 40 per cent spirit.
The hard-living Back to Black singer, 24, has a history of axing gigs at the last minute, and faces legal action after pulling out of a Paris concert just hours before she was due to headline last Friday.
Now organisers of the three-day Bestival event on the Isle of Wight fear she will either back out of her show tomorrow night — or turn up in no fit state to perform.

If you run a search on "Jack Daniels" on Splash, you get like 800 pictures of Amy Winehouse.  You don’t even have to type in "Amy Winehouse" to get pictures of her.  Just names of alcohol.  All Amy Winehouse concerts should have two prices at this point: 5 dollars to get in, 50 dollars if she actually shows up.

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Kirsten Dunst is the co-star of "How To Lose Friends & Alienate People", along with Simon Pegg and Megan Fox, and it may shock you to learn that Kirsten is acting like a pretentious jackass.

Author Toby Young has said Kirsten Dunst had him banned from the set of the movie.
Commenting on his relationship with the cast, Young told The Spectator: "[Dunst] overheard me giving the producer a 'note' on her performance in a particular scene.
"At the time, I didn't think of it as a criticism, more as a helpful bit of advice, and the producer took it in that spirit. But Kirsten overheard this exchange and interpreted it as a complaint about her acting ability.
"It was after this, apparently, that she took Bob [Weide, director] to one side and asked if I could be kept at arm's length in future."

Young of course wrote the book upon which the movie is based.  And he was probably saying, "why is that snaggglettoth here?  Is she in the movie?  She can't act, why won't anyone mention that she cant act?"  And he would be right.  And yet she keeps getting movies.  You see that dog.  That dog is all of us, the audience, pulling against our leash, trying to get away from Kirsten.  Why wont you set us free Hollywood?

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The first 10 winners of "Americas Next Top Model" need no introduction, so I won't introduce them.  They’re all household names at this point, so it would be a waste of my time and yours to name these very successful models.  But will this assembly line of top talent continue?  Lets find out…

After two days of glowing headlines for the CW, you just knew everybody's favorite hard-luck network was going to have a change of fortune: Despite the CW's stellar start this week with the return of "Gossip Girl" and unveiling of "90210," Wednesday night's "America’s Next Top Model" premiere was the lowest-rated in the network’s history.
The two-hour "Top Model" premiere (3.5 million viewers, 1.7 preliminary adults 18-49 rating and a 5 share) was down 11% from last February's cycle, and down 32% from last September in the adult demo. Among the network's 18-34 demo (1.9/6), the drops were steeper. It marks the lowest-rated premiere since the show debuted in 2003 on UPN.

It's hard not to notice that ever since this dumb ass show came on, America has gotten it's ass kicked at modeling.  Basically we have Marissa Miller, and that’s about it.  The rest are all Brazilian, Aussie, German, Dutch or English.  Tyras fat ass has ruined everything, although I must confess I am partially responsible.  I leave all the American models so sexually satisfied, it’s hard for them to ever feel joy again once I’m gone.  In fact I heard Kate died.  Jill is a prostitute in Japan.

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The catfight between Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood has been pretty gentle so far, but it's about to ramp the fuck up thanks to a new article in OK magazine.  

Carrie’s claws have come out following Jessica’s recent interview, in which she gushes over current boyfriend (and Carrie's ex) Tony Romo, saying, “I just told him today, ‘You’re the love of my life.
 While Tony, 28, may be pleased with Jessica and her declarations of love, his ex, Carrie, has quite a different point of view.
“She finds Jessica’s love of putting her life on display pretty desperate,” a pal of the “Before He Cheats” singer tells OK!. "She laughed at the People cover, because it’s the same one Jess did about John Mayer — same smile, same look, except she’s a little fatter.”

You can see that People magazine cover here. I wouldn’t say Jessica looks fat, but she’s not as skinny as Carrie Underwood’s hot little ass.  Jessica should just walk away.  And then the magazines can investigate more important stuff.  Like Eskimos.  What the hell are those things?!?!

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Somehow these bikini pics of model Caroline D’Amore from a few days ago slipped completely under my radar. Of course, one has to ask themselves: Who the hell is Caroline D’Amore? After some deep soul-searching I realized she’s a chick in a bikini. Now I feel spiritually enlightened enough to spend the rest of the day playing GTA in my boxers. I like to believe it’s what Jesus would do if he a.) existed and b.) drank a bottle of cooking wine because he’s too lazy to go to the store. Go forth, my children, and tell others what you’ve learned here today.

NOTE: Sweet Moses!

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It turns out Lynne Spears did not send Bristol Palin $60 pink burpcloths on behalf of Jamie Lynn. I don’t see why Lynne bothered denying the report because even a cynical bastard like myself thought it was a nice gesture. Until I remembered I have a penis then went around punching everyone within eyesight in the face. TOUGH GUY! E! News reports:

“I just got off the phone with Lynne. I can tell you that she hasn’t sent her any gifts, but that she does support Sarah and, of course, can empathize with their situation,” Curt Handling, Spears’ publicist at the Thomas Nelson publishing company, tells E! News.

It’s a damn shame. No fancy burpcloths for America’s favorite politically-polarizing pregnant teen. I guess Bristol Palin will have to wipe her baby’s spit the old fashioned way: With moose antlers or the hull of an oil tanker.

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Okay, maybe David Duchovny cheated on Tea Leoni after all. Apparently, The Duchov has a history of seducing unsuspecting extras. I bet he tells them there’s a government conspiracy in his pants. Now that’s smooth and something I could never pull off. Even if the NSA bugged my testicles - which they did. NY Daily News reports:

But The National Enquirer reports that Duchovny went into rehab because Leoni “finally caught him [cheating].”
He said Tea gave him an ultimatum: “Get treatment or our marriage is over,” a source told the tab, which is riding high after getting former presidential candidate John Edwards to admit his tomcattin’.
“At first, Duchovny tried to lie his way out of trouble, but eventually was overwhelmed with guilt and confessed,” The Enquirer contends.
US Weekly concurs that Duchovny, 48, “has a history of indiscretions,” according to “multiple sources.” The mag claims he put the moves on an extra on his Showtime hit, “Californication.” “They ended up making out,” alleges a source. “She later heard this wasn’t the first time he’d taken special interest in an extra.”

I’m glad they finally dropped the whole porn addiction angle. Seriously, how can you can be addicted to something you need to survive? That’s like saying “Hey, everybody, I’m addicted to oxygen.” Pfft. Celebrities. What a bunch of weirdos.

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