Let me start by saying there are several things I would feasibly believe Nicole Richie possesses:

Pirate ship.
Unicorn.
One Ring to rule them all.
Jesus’ body.

But an ass? C’mon, there’s no way these aren’t Photoshopped. And, seriously, whoever did this, Optimus Prime’s face would’ve looked more realistic back there. You know, provided he was winking and smoking a cigar like Groucho Marx. I’m a helper

Comments Off

Brit model Danielle Lloyd took a break from whatever it is she does to lounge around in a bikini and relax this weekend in Pafos, Cyprus.  It was a lot like how I spent my weekend, except instead of sexy fun in the sun, I gathered up my dolls and made a turkey on a paper plate with glitter and elbow macaroni, then set it all up on my card table dining room set so I could pretend it was a real Thanksgiving dinner with friends.  Oh god I’m so lonely!

Comments Off

Good news, everybody! Despite what the media has been reporting (what with its anti-single-supermodels agenda), Miranda Kerr is not—repeat, not—marrying Orlando Bloom. People reports:

A rep for Bloom’s girlfriend Miranda Kerr is knocking down a report in the Australian media Sunday that the Pirates of the Caribbean star and the model are engaged.
“The story … is completely false and misleading,” the rep says. “Miranda herself has clearly stated she is not engaged. There is nothing else to be said.”
But while they’re not making marriage plans at present, Bloom, 31, and Kerr, 25, are still very much a couple, and Kerry recently spoke about someday settling down with a special someone and having kids.

Sounds like Orlando Bloom got punked pretty hard there. You just know that Miranda probably responded to his 1,000th whiny request to marry him with a, “Hmmm…maybe,” then after he bragged to all his buddies and about it and leaked it to the press, she sent her publicist out there to shoot him down. She probably plays all sorts of similar pranks on him, like “Got your nose” and “Hid your medication.” She just seems cool like that.

Comments Off

Seen here at Heathrow Airport this morning, Britney Spears’ European Tour (a.k.a. The Dumb Sauce Parade) came to an end last night after she performed on Britain’s X-Factor then celebrated her birthday at G-A-Y nightclub. While the X-Factor performance was basically a sloppy repeat of the Bambi Awards, at least someone had the foresight to not let her dress like Madonna again. Although in Britney’s defense, her ass looked crazy good. And not just because she’s crazy, but because I’d seriously consider using it as a decorative end table. Then again, I’m the hopeless romantic type. *sigh*

Videos after the jump.

Comments Off

Nancy Jarecki is an entrepreneur who sells dye for “hair down there.” While her product line Betty Beauty is taking off, Nancy needs to learn rule number one in the cutthroat pube dye business: Never out your celebrity clients. Page Six reports:

It’s not just women who are interested in matching the carpet to the drapes: Jarecki says so many men have bought the product that she plans to launch a “Betty for Men” line early next year. “I guess man-scaping for guys is really big these days,” she says, adding that she recently sent the entire assortment of colors to noted waxing enthusiast Diddy and got back a thank-you note from his assistant.
A Betty spokesperson adds that “Law & Order” brunette Mariska Hargitay, country singer Vince Gill, Jack Black and Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor also use the product.

For the record, I fancy myself a man-scaping enthusiast as well. Which is why my dude shrub comes complete with a gazebo, lawn gnome and barbecue pit. Also, cookout next Friday. BYOB. (There will be badminton.)

Comments Off

Winona Ryder has a long history of forgetting to pay for things and outright shoplifting, and now it seems she may have had yet another incident where something valuable in her vicinity has magically disappeared.  The Post says…

Winona Ryder mysteriously lost a diamond-encrusted bracelet and ring worth more than $125,000, according to a published report.  Ryder told Bulgari jewelers that she misplaced their gems, which had been out on loan, after wearing them at a Marie Claire bash in Madrid on Sunday, according to the French celebrity-news magazine Voici.  She claimed she lost the precious stones after handing them in an envelope to her hotel's front desk for safekeeping.  But Voici reported no hotel surveillance cameras captured Ryder giving the jewels to front-desk personnel.  Bulgari has asked police in Madrid to investigate, according to Voici.

This is further proof that actors and actresses are the worst people on earth.  They’re complete idiots.  A fucking monkey could do what they do.  Let's review Winona’s plan to pull off one of the largest diamonds heists in history:

Phase 1: "That guy did it."
Phase 2: ????
Phase 3: profit

Wow, she thought of everything!!!  It’s the perfect crime!!!

Comments Off

New York Giants Super Bowl star Plaxico Burress is having an awesome season. The controversial receiver accidentally shot himself in the leg early Saturday morning after a concealed gun slipped out of his waistband at a Manhattan club, according to NY Daily News:

Burress, 31, who was sporting flashy jewelry and carrying loads of cash, told club management he needed the gun to protect himself, sources said.
The mercurial Giant was waved inside the crowded Latin-themed club on Lexington Ave. about midnight. He downed several drinks, making already jittery security guards more nervous about his weapon.
As Burress was being led into a VIP area, with a drink in his hand, the gun slipped down his pants leg. He reached for the weapon, but fumbled it and it went off, sources said. The bullet tore through Burress’ already injured right thigh, police said.
“[The bullet] went in and out. No bones,” Chief Michael Collins, a police spokesman, said.

Of course, discharging a loaded handgun in a club might, I dunno, get you fucking arrested. So with some quick thinking, Plaxico employed the help of Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce who stashed the gun in Jersey. Just like that episode of The Sopranos where Tony gets the paper in his boxers:

Panicking, Burress told his teammate not to call 911 for an ambulance, sources said.
Pierce helped the bloodied receiver out of the club before taking off with the gun and stashing it somewhere in New Jersey, sources said.
Burress was afraid to go to the hospital, but two hours after the shooting, at 2 a.m., his wife, Tiffany, and a friend escorted him to New York-Presbyterian Hospital Weill Cornell. He was treated and released at about 12:45 p.m., sources said.
But a hospital spokeswoman denied that Burress was ever there.
Cops only learned about the incident after Giants employees quietly reached out to the NYPD to report it, sources said.

Damn! Ratted out by your own team? That’s gotta sting. Probably not as much a bullet to your already-injured leg, but Jesus. Anyway, let this be a lesson to the kids out there: Always use a holster.

And that’s one to grow on…

Comments Off

Here’s Britney Spears performing “Womanizer” at the 2008 Bambi Awards in Germany. It’s sort of trippy seeing a bunch of fancy Germans in tuxes talk about Britney, only to have her show up on stage and once again have the timing of a three-toed sloth. Don’t get me wrong; she looks way better than last year’s VMA debacle, but Jesus, I employ more dance rhythm making toast. (Read: I do jazz hands after buttering the bread. “Butter. Kazaam!“)

EDIT: Added pics of Madotney. Video after the jump.

Comments Off

Nicolas Cage posed for this family photo in Vienna, Austria today with his wife Alice Kim and son Weston Coppola Cage. Weston brought his girlfriend along who I really want to believe isn’t jockeying for that sweet Ghost Rider dough. Maybe she simply digs dudes who think dead fetuses make kickass necklaces. Who knows? Then again, she did just score a free trip to Vienna with Nathan Explosion here, so yeah….

NOTE: I’m getting axed in the face tonight, aren’t I? Sweet.

Comments Off

After word got out that Alex “A-Rod” Rodriquez was bailing on his kids to eat turkey with Madonna, he denied the reports and took his ex-wife Cynthia and their daughters out to eat Tuesday night right in front of the paparazzi (above). Ultimately, A-Rod did eat Thanksgiving dinner with his family in Miami, but then bolted to Madonna’s mansion to encourage Gwyneth Paltrow to become an adulterer - just like that Charlie Brown special! NY Daily News reports:

The third baseman hopped into his black Porsche around 4p.m. and sped off to Star Island - where Madonna has a home.
Sources say he is staying there while he’s in town, and witnesses saw his car parked there overnight.
Later, the kabbalah cronies celebrated at the estate of Jeff Soffer, the bachelor billionaire who reportedly has come between Gwyneth Paltrow and rocker hubby Chris Martin.
Feeding speculation that Paltrow and Martin are ready to split, Paltrow has been staying at Soffer’s Indian Creek Island mansion and spent Thanksgiving with him, sources said.
“Gwyneth has confided to friends she and Chris are taking a break,” a source claimed. “Jeff is crazy about her.”

Also, in case there were any doubts Madonna and A-Rod are having unholy relations, he was spotted Wednesday night handing her a water bottle at her concert, according to E! News:

As Madonna completed her second song before a sell-out crowd in Miami’s Dolphin Stadium Wednesday night, New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez handed her a bottle of water.
“It was easy for him to hand it off because he was sitting in the front row,” a witness tells E! News. “He was all excited watching her perform.”
And, just like that, Madonna acknowledged in public, less than a week after her quickie divorce from Guy Ritchie, that A-Rod is indeed the superfan (and waterboy) he’s reportedly been for most of this year in private.

He handed her a water bottle?! Oh yeah, these two are fucking. In fact, I’m surprised they even had time to exchange bottles of water. That’s how much they’re fucking. Trust me, I know these things. I have a Ph.D. in Who’s Doing the Fucking. Okay, technically it’s an old pizza box with “Dr. Naked Stuff” written in Elmer’s Glue and glitter, but still, ladies?

Comments Off