Katy Perry and her boyfriend Travis McCoy of Gym Class Heroes have broken up, according to Celebuzz:

The reported two-year relationship between the musicians came to an end this week despite the pair spending Christmas downtime on the beach, reading and drinking on the sand.
“It’s a hardship, but she’s regrouping,” a source tells Celebuzz. The split likely came to a head just before 2009’s arrival.

On New Year’s Eve, Travis also wrote the following “rap” on his blog about Katy which really needs to be read in it’s entirety. Mostly so you can realize why I equate Gym Class Heroes with face cancer. Here’s a snippet:

My friends always tell me how I’m lucky to possess
The best looking girl in the whole U.S.
But every time you scream, you blow your finesse
Tryin’ to dis the Profess-
Or twenty-four hours of acting sore
Sometimes I wish you’d come down with lockjaw
So I don’t have to take in the breakin’
You treat me like a burnt piece of bacon
It seems like just two years
Back when we were bonded and not pierced
But now I keep itchin’ to jet
Sitting’ in the chair just to stare, set to sprint
Yo, sweetheart, you better take a hint
I say it now like I said it before
I’m lookin’ at the front door

Wait. This guy rap-blogs and calls himself “The Profess?” Amazing. For a second there, I thought I’d really have to work hard to impress Katy by wearing pants or something. Not anymore! Thanks, Travis McCoy.

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Paris Hilton stopped by The Gold Coast Hospital in Queensland, Australia this morning to cheer up some sick children, and Sweet Christ, you gotta be kidding me? Paris Hilton and terminally ill children? Last time I checked, making a child’s catheter burst into flames with your mere presence doesn’t exactly fill them with with the will to live. Did hospital administrators have to choose between Paris or letting the kids play with raw sewage? Because they probably could’ve done a bit more soul-searching on this one. Then again, that’s just me and my experience watching ER the night I couldn’t find the remote.

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In an effort to build an insurmountable lead in the race to publish the most made up, zero-chance-of-it-being-true story of 2009, Life and Style is hinting on their website today that George Clooney is banging Paris Hilton.

When Paris Hilton sat beside George Clooney at Hollywood hot spot Dan Tana's on Dec. 20, it just looked like a bizarre business meeting. After all, the duo were joined for dinner by a group that included director Ridley Scott, (Tyler Perry) and Brittany Flickinger, the winner of Paris' BFF reality show. "It was an odd group for a dinner party," notes an onlooker.
But it wasn't the first time the heartthrob and the heiress had been out together. Life & Style has learned exclusively that the night before, George, 47, and Paris, 27, had a far more intimate meeting at the Whiskey Bar at the Sunset Marquis hotel in West Hollywood.

The only people that hang out with her at all are Hollywood stragglers and attention whores who want their picture taken, so very obviously George Clooney is not having sex with Paris Hilton and her poison vagina.  Because why on earth would he?  Is there even any point?  She's dumb, annoying, ugly, and sticking your penis in her would be like humping an ashtray, just old and loose and I can't explain why but I bet it's all powdery. And filled with disease.  My penis flat out refused to go in there, it said no way, and my penis is the bravest one I know.  It even spent the night in a haunted mansion one time.

(picture source = splash news)

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Britney Spears’ brother Bryan married Jamie Lynn Spears’ manager on New Year’s Eve in an event that family members described as “Not quite incest. But close enough.” People reports:

“It was beautiful,” a source tells PEOPLE about the elder Spears’s wedding to Graciella Sanchez, 36, longtime manager of little sister Jamie Lynn. “It was only close family, very small and intimate.”
While the couple’s engagement may have caught many by surprise – they only recently started dating seriously – the two have been acquaintances for years.
“The family was totally excited,” a friend of the family tells PEOPLE. “Graciella’s wonderful. Everybody was happy about it.”

Wait. Jamie Lynn Spears has a manager? Then where the hell was this Graciella woman when Casey Aldridge was putting his virile redneck seed in her client’s underage hoo-ha? Obviously, she had her hands full banging her way into the Spears’ family fortune which, now that I think about it, was kind of a smart move. Those MBAs really do pay for themselves.

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Jesus. It’s only the second post of 2009 and already Lindsay Lohan is in a bikini. Here she is bringing in the New Year on South Beach, and I don’t know about you, but I definitely know what I’m doing with these babies: Playing Connect the Dots with Lindsay’s freckles. So far I’ve found Optimus Prime, a slice of pizza and two giant breasts. Try and beat my score!

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Good news, everybody, Charles Barkley’s DUI arrest was for a worthy cause. He wanted to get some head. Finally, a drunk driving story with a happy ending. Well, almost a happy ending. The Smoking Gun reports:

Charles Barkley told Arizona cops that he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up a girl who had “given him a ‘blow job’ one week earlier,” which the former NBA star described as “the best one he had ever had in his life.” According to a Gilbert Police Department report, a copy of which you’ll find here, police asked Barkley where he was going at the time of the 1:26 AM traffic stop in Scottsdale. “You want the truth? I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job,” answered Barkley.

A cooperative Barkley also joked with a civilian police employee that, “I’ll tattoo your name on my ass” if it would get him out of the DUI charge.

Oh, thank God. For a minute there I thought Charles Barkley was risking people’s lives for something retarded like KFC or Sports Center on TiVo. But a BJ? Who’s gonna fault him for that? “You see, son, Charles Barkley was with a woman whose mouth could take the paint off a golf ball. I’m telling you this so you know your father didn’t die in vain, and also, because I’m a terrible police officer. Which is why I shot your cat on the way in. Now, what kind of perfume does your mom like?”

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Even with minimal effort, Lindsay Lohan stepped onto Miami beach yesterday and proved she can still smash every girl in Hollywood in a bikini contest.  She's just so GD good at being a girl.  Skinny, huge tits, super long hair.  She's everything a girl is supposed to be, with the added bonus that she'll get high and lick kitty.  To the best of my knowledge I’ve never had sex with her, but I'm sure the answer to everything in bed is Yes.  Anal?  Yes.  ATM?  Why not.  Swallow?  Let's do it!  She's like an amusement park for grownups.  

(picture source = splash news)

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Kathy Griffin co-hosted CNNs New Years Eve countdown thingy last night, and at one point as they went to commercial, a heckler was riding her (note: not literally) and Kathy came back with “Shut up! I don’t go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth.” Which is the kind of thing you’re not really supposed to say on CNN. Personally I find it offensive, not because of her saucy language, but because that’s such and old and worn out comeback. It was on the Larry Sanders show at least 15 years ago, and I've heard it a hundred times since then. It should be in a glass box and shown as an exhibit at this point.  Kudos to you, Kathy.

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As god as my witness I'm not even positive who Kristin Cavallari is.  I believe she’s that girl from that show.  On MTV.  The one where it’s supposed to be unscripted but it's all staged.  Not the new one though, or the brand new one, but that other one.  The older one.  I don't know the name.  Anyway, here's that girl who might be the person on that show I don't know on Miami Beach yesterday.  Best post ever?  Yes my friends.  Best.  Post.  Ever.  (editors note: what?)

(picture source = splash news)

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Kelly Brook and her new boyfriend Danny Cipriani are spending the holidays in the Caribbean, and I’ve never heard of this dude until three seconds ago, but according to published reports I made up just now, he’s a homo, and he’s lying to Kelly so he can be seen with her and get publicity.  It's true.  It's kind of true.  There are even reports that he worked in gay porn under the name, "Dick Handler".  Poor Kelly.  I'm sorry you had to find out this way.  I'm always here for you and your huge tits, you know that don't you baby?  Just say the word.  Perhaps a series of blowjobs will help in some way.

(picture source = bauer griffin)

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